As if I needed to be made aware of breast cancer. :) This month has got me thinking a lot about my journey, reflecting back and looking ahead. I have come so far, but once you start on a cancer journey, it never ends. This is something I think people do not understand. Once treatment is over, to the surrounding world, it seems like you've beat cancer and life goes back to normal. Perhaps we start a new normal, but things never go back to the way they were before. I have side effects that will never go away. I will probably never get complete feeling back in my feet or fingertips. I still get fatigued pretty easily, and chemo brain still plagues me. It is unendingly frustrating to not be able to come up with words, especially as a person who uses words for her living. My family and my students are so patient and gracious. They only laugh at me sometimes. :) Older people tend to downplay this when they tell me they have the same problem. No, you don't. I am only 40 years old and I could be dealing with this for years to come, if not forever. I shouldn't have the brain of a 65 or 70 year old. I should be at my peak right now. I know people are trying to be empathetic, and I do appreciate it, really. But this is why I write this blog- I want people to really understand what it is like to go through cancer. I had absolutely no idea before I was diagnosed. You can't understand if no one tells you. So here I am.
I also blog because it helps me deal with my own emotions. If you have followed this blog, you've read about my fears, my struggles, my triumphs. I am so happy to have people share those things with me. I'm back again also because I am finding myself with lots to deal with right now.
One great thing is the LIVESTRONG program at the Y. I went through it last spring, and one of the personal trainers offered to work with any of us who wanted to continue. So now on Tuesday nights I get to see my 'cancer buddies' Danelle and Lynn. We are all young breast cancer survivors. It is hard to explain the connection survivors have. I think it is kind of like being in the military- you meet another military person and you connect because you both know what it is like. I love these two ladies and am so thankful for them. Just being able to talk to other survivors helps ease my fears a little.
I know two women who were recently diagnosed with a recurrence. One of them was first diagnosed 15 years ago. When I hear these things, I literally cannot breathe. It terrifies me. I want to know, because I want to pray and I want to help. But it freezes me. The fear is palpable- it surrounds me and squeezes me and takes my breath away. I have to fight through that fear and cry out to God to rescue me from it. I have to force myself to remember that HE IS ALREADY THERE. He knows if I am going to have cancer again. And if I do, He will use it for His glory, of that I am sure.
Some medical professionals no longer say 'if you recur,' they say 'when.' No one will give me a straight answer when I ask what my chances of recurrence are, because no one can really know. I had a very aggressive form of cancer, I am young, I had to delay treatment several times, and it was already recurring when I had my mastectomy. That surgery mostly took care of that, but breast cancer recurs in the lungs, liver, bone, and brain. I broke my toe a couple weeks ago, and I immediately go to, "Maybe it broke because I have cancer in my bones." I have lost my voice and had a really bad cough for a couple days, and I immediately think, "Maybe the cancer is in my lungs." I have been told this is very normal behavior for a survivor.
God taught me so much through treatment. I have (mostly) let go of my need for control. I am a nicer, more patient, more prayerful person. I like myself better. I am getting a Master's Degree in Theology. I am exercising and eating relatively well. (As much as I can in a house of teenage boys!) So now it is time for a new lesson. Now I have to learn how to deal with the fear.
I know this journey is drawing me closer to Christ and shaping me to be more like Him. I would not trade that for anything. But it is HARD. And it will always be hard. But things that are worthwhile are worth fighting for. If you are dealing with fear, I understand. We need to turn back to the One who says over and over, "Fear not!"
You might hear from me again soon, or it might be awhile. I have another surgery coming up in December, and that should finally end this part of the journey. What a Christmas present!
