One more round

Well, here we are almost exactly two years from the start of this journey.  On May 19th, 2014, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  In March of 2015, I had a double mastectomy due to having the BRCA-1 gene- the gene that greatly increases the risk for breast and ovarian cancer.  In December of 2015, I had a salpingo-oompherectomy (removal of Fallopian tubes and ovaries).  Now it is time to finish my reconstruction.  On Wednesday, June 1st, 2016, I will have a combination DIEP and free TRAM flap procedure done to reconstruct my breasts with my own tissue taken from my tummy. It is a huge procedure, taking between 12-14 hours with 2-5 days in hospital afterward, and then 6-8 weeks not lifting anything and taking it easy.  I've chosen this because it is the best option for a good outcome for someone my age.

My emotions are all over the place.  I am really excited to have this done and be able to buy a whole new wardrobe for my new shape.  I am also scared to death.  It will be a long recovery that I am not at all looking forward to, but I'm not really afraid of that-I have my eyes open and I know what is coming. (sort of).  No, I'm so afraid that Dr. Tran will get in there and find more cancer.  A mastectomy cannot remove all breast tissue, only most.  When they went in for the mastectomy, the cancer was already returning.  What if it is still there?  The last couple of days it has taken a great deal of prayer to not succumb to panic.  I find myself wondering if I could go through all this again.  And then I realize that, yes, I could.  Because it isn't me going through it, it is God leading me through it, for His purpose and plan.  I won't pretend to be super spiritual woman- I'm still afraid.  But that fear is tempered by the knowledge of God's grace and mercy and goodness.

I told Darrin not long ago that I truly believe that having cancer was the third best thing that has ever happened to me.  The first being salvation, the second marrying Darrin.  I am a different person than I was 2 years ago.  I am less controlling, more patient, more deliberate, and more adventurous.  I have a deeper walk with the Lord and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  If He chooses to have me go through it again, then there must be more for me to learn.  For all of us to learn, because you all go through this with me.  Whatever the outcome of my surgery on Wednesday, I know that God is already on the other side of it.  He knows what is coming, so I don't have to.  I just have to trust that it will be the best thing for me.

I am sad to be losing yet another summer.  We went on a bike ride today and it was glorious.  Being outside is my favorite thing- camping, swimming, biking, hiking, canoeing- I love it all so much.  I am not looking forward to lots of time recovering.  I'm hoping that by the end of July I'll be able to get out some.  I'm really hoping that this will be the end of this journey.  I know there will be one or two more small surgeries to make sure everything is right, but they won't be too big a deal.  It seems like the end is in sight, but there are still some twists and turns that make it hard to know.  But here is what I do know- HE IS ALREADY THERE!!!