Seeing as Thanksgiving is only a few days away, it seemed a good time to blog. I'm not going to go through everything I am thankful for, as that would take days and days and be way too long to read. I'll instead tell you about the three things I am most thankful for. First, Jesus. He is my savior and my God and I could never have survived the last 2 and a half years without Him. Second- my family. My husband and my children are everything to me. My parents and my in-laws are the most amazing examples of love and care. Third- MY CANCER. Yep, you read that right. I am so thankful for the experiences I have gone through. I am a different, better person. I appreciate life so much more. I am all about experiences and adventure and not wasting time. These are all lessons cancer taught me.
Yes, I still deal with fear, like I wrote about last time. I still have one more surgery to go on Dec. 20th, and right now I'm getting IV treatments for iron deficiency. I'm still tired a lot. I have no abdominal strength due to my surgery last June. I'm getting tired of mentioning my neuropathy, so I won't even bring it up. ;)
But all those annoyances are no big deal compared to the change in me that has made me a better version of myself. I am SO thankful God chose to refine me in this way. Life is so much richer, so much more meaningful, and so much brighter.
Two years ago, I am not sure I would ever be able to say these things. Today, I'll tell anyone who will listen- I am thankful for cancer!!
What are you thankful for this season? Leave me a comment so I can rejoice with you!
Robin
Monday, November 21, 2016
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Breast Cancer Awareness Month
As if I needed to be made aware of breast cancer. :) This month has got me thinking a lot about my journey, reflecting back and looking ahead. I have come so far, but once you start on a cancer journey, it never ends. This is something I think people do not understand. Once treatment is over, to the surrounding world, it seems like you've beat cancer and life goes back to normal. Perhaps we start a new normal, but things never go back to the way they were before. I have side effects that will never go away. I will probably never get complete feeling back in my feet or fingertips. I still get fatigued pretty easily, and chemo brain still plagues me. It is unendingly frustrating to not be able to come up with words, especially as a person who uses words for her living. My family and my students are so patient and gracious. They only laugh at me sometimes. :) Older people tend to downplay this when they tell me they have the same problem. No, you don't. I am only 40 years old and I could be dealing with this for years to come, if not forever. I shouldn't have the brain of a 65 or 70 year old. I should be at my peak right now. I know people are trying to be empathetic, and I do appreciate it, really. But this is why I write this blog- I want people to really understand what it is like to go through cancer. I had absolutely no idea before I was diagnosed. You can't understand if no one tells you. So here I am.
I also blog because it helps me deal with my own emotions. If you have followed this blog, you've read about my fears, my struggles, my triumphs. I am so happy to have people share those things with me. I'm back again also because I am finding myself with lots to deal with right now.
One great thing is the LIVESTRONG program at the Y. I went through it last spring, and one of the personal trainers offered to work with any of us who wanted to continue. So now on Tuesday nights I get to see my 'cancer buddies' Danelle and Lynn. We are all young breast cancer survivors. It is hard to explain the connection survivors have. I think it is kind of like being in the military- you meet another military person and you connect because you both know what it is like. I love these two ladies and am so thankful for them. Just being able to talk to other survivors helps ease my fears a little.
I know two women who were recently diagnosed with a recurrence. One of them was first diagnosed 15 years ago. When I hear these things, I literally cannot breathe. It terrifies me. I want to know, because I want to pray and I want to help. But it freezes me. The fear is palpable- it surrounds me and squeezes me and takes my breath away. I have to fight through that fear and cry out to God to rescue me from it. I have to force myself to remember that HE IS ALREADY THERE. He knows if I am going to have cancer again. And if I do, He will use it for His glory, of that I am sure.
Some medical professionals no longer say 'if you recur,' they say 'when.' No one will give me a straight answer when I ask what my chances of recurrence are, because no one can really know. I had a very aggressive form of cancer, I am young, I had to delay treatment several times, and it was already recurring when I had my mastectomy. That surgery mostly took care of that, but breast cancer recurs in the lungs, liver, bone, and brain. I broke my toe a couple weeks ago, and I immediately go to, "Maybe it broke because I have cancer in my bones." I have lost my voice and had a really bad cough for a couple days, and I immediately think, "Maybe the cancer is in my lungs." I have been told this is very normal behavior for a survivor.
God taught me so much through treatment. I have (mostly) let go of my need for control. I am a nicer, more patient, more prayerful person. I like myself better. I am getting a Master's Degree in Theology. I am exercising and eating relatively well. (As much as I can in a house of teenage boys!) So now it is time for a new lesson. Now I have to learn how to deal with the fear.
I know this journey is drawing me closer to Christ and shaping me to be more like Him. I would not trade that for anything. But it is HARD. And it will always be hard. But things that are worthwhile are worth fighting for. If you are dealing with fear, I understand. We need to turn back to the One who says over and over, "Fear not!"
You might hear from me again soon, or it might be awhile. I have another surgery coming up in December, and that should finally end this part of the journey. What a Christmas present!
I also blog because it helps me deal with my own emotions. If you have followed this blog, you've read about my fears, my struggles, my triumphs. I am so happy to have people share those things with me. I'm back again also because I am finding myself with lots to deal with right now.
One great thing is the LIVESTRONG program at the Y. I went through it last spring, and one of the personal trainers offered to work with any of us who wanted to continue. So now on Tuesday nights I get to see my 'cancer buddies' Danelle and Lynn. We are all young breast cancer survivors. It is hard to explain the connection survivors have. I think it is kind of like being in the military- you meet another military person and you connect because you both know what it is like. I love these two ladies and am so thankful for them. Just being able to talk to other survivors helps ease my fears a little.
I know two women who were recently diagnosed with a recurrence. One of them was first diagnosed 15 years ago. When I hear these things, I literally cannot breathe. It terrifies me. I want to know, because I want to pray and I want to help. But it freezes me. The fear is palpable- it surrounds me and squeezes me and takes my breath away. I have to fight through that fear and cry out to God to rescue me from it. I have to force myself to remember that HE IS ALREADY THERE. He knows if I am going to have cancer again. And if I do, He will use it for His glory, of that I am sure.
Some medical professionals no longer say 'if you recur,' they say 'when.' No one will give me a straight answer when I ask what my chances of recurrence are, because no one can really know. I had a very aggressive form of cancer, I am young, I had to delay treatment several times, and it was already recurring when I had my mastectomy. That surgery mostly took care of that, but breast cancer recurs in the lungs, liver, bone, and brain. I broke my toe a couple weeks ago, and I immediately go to, "Maybe it broke because I have cancer in my bones." I have lost my voice and had a really bad cough for a couple days, and I immediately think, "Maybe the cancer is in my lungs." I have been told this is very normal behavior for a survivor.
God taught me so much through treatment. I have (mostly) let go of my need for control. I am a nicer, more patient, more prayerful person. I like myself better. I am getting a Master's Degree in Theology. I am exercising and eating relatively well. (As much as I can in a house of teenage boys!) So now it is time for a new lesson. Now I have to learn how to deal with the fear.
I know this journey is drawing me closer to Christ and shaping me to be more like Him. I would not trade that for anything. But it is HARD. And it will always be hard. But things that are worthwhile are worth fighting for. If you are dealing with fear, I understand. We need to turn back to the One who says over and over, "Fear not!"
You might hear from me again soon, or it might be awhile. I have another surgery coming up in December, and that should finally end this part of the journey. What a Christmas present!
Monday, May 30, 2016
One more round
Well, here we are almost exactly two years from the start of this journey. On May 19th, 2014, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In March of 2015, I had a double mastectomy due to having the BRCA-1 gene- the gene that greatly increases the risk for breast and ovarian cancer. In December of 2015, I had a salpingo-oompherectomy (removal of Fallopian tubes and ovaries). Now it is time to finish my reconstruction. On Wednesday, June 1st, 2016, I will have a combination DIEP and free TRAM flap procedure done to reconstruct my breasts with my own tissue taken from my tummy. It is a huge procedure, taking between 12-14 hours with 2-5 days in hospital afterward, and then 6-8 weeks not lifting anything and taking it easy. I've chosen this because it is the best option for a good outcome for someone my age.
My emotions are all over the place. I am really excited to have this done and be able to buy a whole new wardrobe for my new shape. I am also scared to death. It will be a long recovery that I am not at all looking forward to, but I'm not really afraid of that-I have my eyes open and I know what is coming. (sort of). No, I'm so afraid that Dr. Tran will get in there and find more cancer. A mastectomy cannot remove all breast tissue, only most. When they went in for the mastectomy, the cancer was already returning. What if it is still there? The last couple of days it has taken a great deal of prayer to not succumb to panic. I find myself wondering if I could go through all this again. And then I realize that, yes, I could. Because it isn't me going through it, it is God leading me through it, for His purpose and plan. I won't pretend to be super spiritual woman- I'm still afraid. But that fear is tempered by the knowledge of God's grace and mercy and goodness.
I told Darrin not long ago that I truly believe that having cancer was the third best thing that has ever happened to me. The first being salvation, the second marrying Darrin. I am a different person than I was 2 years ago. I am less controlling, more patient, more deliberate, and more adventurous. I have a deeper walk with the Lord and I wouldn't trade that for anything. If He chooses to have me go through it again, then there must be more for me to learn. For all of us to learn, because you all go through this with me. Whatever the outcome of my surgery on Wednesday, I know that God is already on the other side of it. He knows what is coming, so I don't have to. I just have to trust that it will be the best thing for me.
I am sad to be losing yet another summer. We went on a bike ride today and it was glorious. Being outside is my favorite thing- camping, swimming, biking, hiking, canoeing- I love it all so much. I am not looking forward to lots of time recovering. I'm hoping that by the end of July I'll be able to get out some. I'm really hoping that this will be the end of this journey. I know there will be one or two more small surgeries to make sure everything is right, but they won't be too big a deal. It seems like the end is in sight, but there are still some twists and turns that make it hard to know. But here is what I do know- HE IS ALREADY THERE!!!
My emotions are all over the place. I am really excited to have this done and be able to buy a whole new wardrobe for my new shape. I am also scared to death. It will be a long recovery that I am not at all looking forward to, but I'm not really afraid of that-I have my eyes open and I know what is coming. (sort of). No, I'm so afraid that Dr. Tran will get in there and find more cancer. A mastectomy cannot remove all breast tissue, only most. When they went in for the mastectomy, the cancer was already returning. What if it is still there? The last couple of days it has taken a great deal of prayer to not succumb to panic. I find myself wondering if I could go through all this again. And then I realize that, yes, I could. Because it isn't me going through it, it is God leading me through it, for His purpose and plan. I won't pretend to be super spiritual woman- I'm still afraid. But that fear is tempered by the knowledge of God's grace and mercy and goodness.
I told Darrin not long ago that I truly believe that having cancer was the third best thing that has ever happened to me. The first being salvation, the second marrying Darrin. I am a different person than I was 2 years ago. I am less controlling, more patient, more deliberate, and more adventurous. I have a deeper walk with the Lord and I wouldn't trade that for anything. If He chooses to have me go through it again, then there must be more for me to learn. For all of us to learn, because you all go through this with me. Whatever the outcome of my surgery on Wednesday, I know that God is already on the other side of it. He knows what is coming, so I don't have to. I just have to trust that it will be the best thing for me.
I am sad to be losing yet another summer. We went on a bike ride today and it was glorious. Being outside is my favorite thing- camping, swimming, biking, hiking, canoeing- I love it all so much. I am not looking forward to lots of time recovering. I'm hoping that by the end of July I'll be able to get out some. I'm really hoping that this will be the end of this journey. I know there will be one or two more small surgeries to make sure everything is right, but they won't be too big a deal. It seems like the end is in sight, but there are still some twists and turns that make it hard to know. But here is what I do know- HE IS ALREADY THERE!!!
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