Thoughts on Ringing the Bell

Ringing that bell yesterday was the culmination of the worst 6 months of my life.  Don't misunderstand- there have been good days and many, many, many blessings.  But there were a lot more bad days than good.  I guess I should say there were a lot more hard days than easy days.  My dad always says that every day is a good day- just some are better than others.  With Christ in my life, that is definitely true.

Over the last six months I have missed so much.  Two family vacations- one with the Crows to Jelly stone and one with the Clines to Branson, a trip to Adventureland, most summer days with my kids, all our patio parties, most of the girls' night out events, playing drums with my worship team, so many evenings with my family, the first two weeks of school, being able to build rapport with my students right away, teaching some of my fun activities that are usually a breeze to handle that became impossible to deal with, the ability to really enjoy food, making more of our country meals (we're still on Ireland, I think), biking and hiking and taking long walks, shopping by myself ( I need help to stay focused and to stay balanced), being able to think clearly and converse intelligently, the list could go on and on.

I keep saying to Darrin, usually through tears- "This is just so HARD."  Harder than we ever imagined.  I am so tired all the time.  I literally fall asleep teaching.  I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but part of the purpose of my blog is for me to process through my experiences.  Today I am processing.  I've looked forward so much to ringing that bell, but the reality is that even though they are done pumping poison into my body, I still have 33 treatments where they aim more poison at my body.  The rest of the reality is that it will take 6 months to a year for the chemo side effects to recede.  So ringing the bell was great, but it hasn't left me feeling elated.

The reality is, it has left me scared, sad, and lonely. I'm scared that with all the delays and lowered dosages, the chemo won't have been effective and the cancer will recur.  That terrifies me.  I don't know if I could do this all again.  I'm sad because I have come to really love the chemo girls and I will genuinely miss chatting and joking with them.  Oh, yes- my gift to them was a big Edible Arrangement- lots of yummy fruit and chocolate covered fruit cut to look like flowers.  :)  I'm also sad to be losing all the extra time with my husband during chemo treatments.  I have to do radiation alone, for obvious reasons. I'm lonely because I feel like everyone thinks I should be so happy to have rung that bell, and while that is true, it is so much more complicated than that.

Today is not one of my triumphant days.  Today I am slogging through the trenches with a sick husband and feelings of being completely overwhelmed by life and cancer.  I am trusting the LORD that He is slogging alongside me and understands how I feel. I know he is making me stronger through all this, even though I feel so weak today.

Almost There!!!

Poor Darrin doesn't seem to be getting any better.  The melodramatic, worrying part of me keeps thinking, "What if he has some horrible disease now?"  The rational, trusting the Lord part of me knows that is silly.  But it's hard not to worry sometimes.

This afternoon PCI called to tell me that Sylvia had a family emergency today and will not be in tomorrow.  I'll see Nicole instead.  I'm pretty heartbroken that she won't be there when I ring the bell.  Sylvia is really the one who has gotten me through all this.  My parents probably won't be there, either.  We've changed the date so many times and they have classes scheduled in Iowa City.  They have also been such incredible supporters.  That doesn't even begin to cover it.  Mom and Dad have been absolutely amazing.  I can't even express my gratitude to them and to the Lord for blessing me with them.  It is amazing to look at the circle of people God provided for me to be able to get through this.  I know I'm not even close to done, but tomorrow is a pretty big step forward!!

Now I'd better go take care of my poor dear spouse. :)  GO TEAM ROBIN!!!!

Almost There

My poor, dear husband is sick.  He has some sort of bacterial infection.  I'm afraid he just got run down over the last couple of weeks trying to take care of me and get ready for Thanksgiving and such.  I'm sad that he is sick, but I am also glad that I get an opportunity to take care of him for a while.  He has been such a rock over these last 6 months.  I may be the one with the physical illness, but we are both fighting this cancer together.  I can't beat it without him.  Maybe I could physically, but mentally and emotionally I could never do it without him.  We are a perfect team and I'm so thankful for him everyday.

Two days left until final chemo!!  I ordered a fun gift for the chemo girls last night.  I wanted to do something a little different than just cookies or cupcakes.  I hope they like it.  I'll tell you all about it after Thursday.

It's a good thing we're almost done.  We pulled back on the Cymbalta so I could stop crying (didn't really work), but it was very much holding the neuropathy at bay.  The lower dose has been awful.  I can't feel anything in my feet or hands.  Typing this is an exercise in frustration management.  Lord willing, the effects will start to lessen in the next month or so.

Today Jeff read Psalm 150 in our meeting and for announcements.  It's one of my favorites.  Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!!!