Thoughts on Ringing the Bell

Ringing that bell yesterday was the culmination of the worst 6 months of my life.  Don't misunderstand- there have been good days and many, many, many blessings.  But there were a lot more bad days than good.  I guess I should say there were a lot more hard days than easy days.  My dad always says that every day is a good day- just some are better than others.  With Christ in my life, that is definitely true.

Over the last six months I have missed so much.  Two family vacations- one with the Crows to Jelly stone and one with the Clines to Branson, a trip to Adventureland, most summer days with my kids, all our patio parties, most of the girls' night out events, playing drums with my worship team, so many evenings with my family, the first two weeks of school, being able to build rapport with my students right away, teaching some of my fun activities that are usually a breeze to handle that became impossible to deal with, the ability to really enjoy food, making more of our country meals (we're still on Ireland, I think), biking and hiking and taking long walks, shopping by myself ( I need help to stay focused and to stay balanced), being able to think clearly and converse intelligently, the list could go on and on.

I keep saying to Darrin, usually through tears- "This is just so HARD."  Harder than we ever imagined.  I am so tired all the time.  I literally fall asleep teaching.  I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but part of the purpose of my blog is for me to process through my experiences.  Today I am processing.  I've looked forward so much to ringing that bell, but the reality is that even though they are done pumping poison into my body, I still have 33 treatments where they aim more poison at my body.  The rest of the reality is that it will take 6 months to a year for the chemo side effects to recede.  So ringing the bell was great, but it hasn't left me feeling elated.

The reality is, it has left me scared, sad, and lonely. I'm scared that with all the delays and lowered dosages, the chemo won't have been effective and the cancer will recur.  That terrifies me.  I don't know if I could do this all again.  I'm sad because I have come to really love the chemo girls and I will genuinely miss chatting and joking with them.  Oh, yes- my gift to them was a big Edible Arrangement- lots of yummy fruit and chocolate covered fruit cut to look like flowers.  :)  I'm also sad to be losing all the extra time with my husband during chemo treatments.  I have to do radiation alone, for obvious reasons. I'm lonely because I feel like everyone thinks I should be so happy to have rung that bell, and while that is true, it is so much more complicated than that.

Today is not one of my triumphant days.  Today I am slogging through the trenches with a sick husband and feelings of being completely overwhelmed by life and cancer.  I am trusting the LORD that He is slogging alongside me and understands how I feel. I know he is making me stronger through all this, even though I feel so weak today.