Not so bad at Math!!

When we went in on Wednesday for chemo, Sylvia checked 6 different times and concluded that they had scheduled me wrong and I actually only have one more chemo, not two!!!  I'm done on Thursday, Dec. 4th, Lord willing!! Then, two weeks after that, on the 18th, I meet again with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Merfeld.  That same day I'll see Dr. Buntinas for labs and a two week check up.

This week I also have a massage scheduled and I'm meeting with the Cancer Center social worker to start talking about life after cancer and coping strategies.  It will be a busy week of appointments.  As eager as I am to be done with chemo, I'm also nervous about it.  While I'm doing treatment, I'm actively fighting the disease.  Once the fight is over, will Agatha come back?  Will treatment have been effective with all the delays and holds?  I know I am going to have to learn to trust and rest in God's plan more than ever.  I think it could be easy to live in a state of fear and worry, and I absolutely do not want to do that.  I also know some of the side effects will take months or even years to go away.  Some of the effects might never go away completely.  Some side effects might not even show up for years.  I have learned that you are never really done with cancer.  For the rest of my life I will have to monitor for it and protect myself as much as possible.

My genetic testing should be back in the next week or so.  I'm really interested to see what it will say.
Thanksgiving yesterday was truly wonderful.  The food was good, but the conversation was absolutely amazing.  It started when I asked everyone to share something they were thankful for, but they couldn't just say family.  It was hard for me to come up with just one thing- I'm so thankful for so many things everyday.  When one is faced with one's own mortality, perhaps it becomes easier to recognize blessings.  The person who really blew me away, though, was my dad.  He talked about his faith and his walk with the Lord in a way I'd never heard before and it was so encouraging.  I've always considered my dad a man of great faith and he has always modeled a life of study and prayer.  Yesterday I got to hear him talk about that moment when his faith became truly real and he fully realized his need for the Lord.  I feel like I know my dad so much better now.  It was such a blessed conversation that meant so much to me.  The legacy of faith that parents pass to their children is so important. I hope we can do as good a job with our children as our parents have done with us.

I find myself craving these deep conversations.  I want to know people.  I want to know what is on their hearts- how they are relating to and thinking about God.  I want to talk about what I've learned and hopefully encourage others to look for what God wants to teach them.  I'm realizing how precious and sometimes short life can be, and I don't want to waste it.  I want to fill it with whatever God has planned, and I want to help others have the courage and desire to do the same.  I feel like I am finally coming up out of my pit of emptiness and am starting to be able to look toward filling others again.   I still have a lot of weepy days and I still struggle a lot with feeling good and staying awake, but spiritually my tank is filling back up.  That, I am sure, is thanks to all of you praying for me so consistently.  Thank you.  As we go through these 3 weeks or so between Thanksgiving and Christmas, remember to keep the focus on the Lord and on your family.  Forget the 'perfect' holiday experience, and go for the one that glorifies the Lord and creates fun memories for your family.  God bless you all! ;)

Catharsis

Saturday was both a really great day and a really hard day.  In the morning a bunch of the teachers went to Amana for breakfast and some shopping. It was really fun.  We are trying to spend more time together this year.  We have our regular staff meetings, and we've added a Wednesday morning prayer time for the whole staff where we focus just on praying for the teachers, students, school board and church staff.  The women are also trying to get together once a month for something fun.  We all work together everyday, but it is easy to be completely isolated and never talk to anyone but our students.  We're trying to build more solid relationships.  So we went to Amana.  It was a blast.  The breakfast at The Colony Inn is absolutely amazing.  The Lord was very good to me and I was able to taste and enjoy everything.  It was also fun to buy a few little stocking stuffers.

Saturday night we got to go to a magic show at CV that was SO MUCH FUN.  There was a bunny- what could be better than that?? :)  All the proceeds go toward our friends' adoption process.  There were tons of people there, so I hope they did really well.

Those were the great parts of Saturday.  The hard part was Saturday afternoon.  The boys were gone, and Darrin and I ended up on the couch just weeping together.  Being the caregiver is in many ways just as difficult as being the patient.  He's just been so worried about me and he has been feeling isolated and alone.  He loves to be around people, and that has been hard for us lately.  He did go out Monday night with a good friend, and I think that encouraged him a lot.  He is home by himself a lot, and it is easy to get sucked into fear and doubt and worry.  Please pray for him as much as you pray for me.  He is such a godly man and such an excellent caregiver.  This has been a much longer and rockier road than either of us anticipated.  It was good for us to sit and cry together and acknowledge how hard this is.  We prayed together and talked a lot and it was really good catharsis for both of us.  We are hoping to maybe get away together for a day or two sometime in the next month.  We think it would be really good to get away and forget about cancer for a few days and plan for the future.  It will be a different future than we thought, but that doesn't mean it can't be a really good, full, adventurous future.  And we know it will be the future God has planned for us, so how can it possibly be bad? :)

I'm really looking forward to this break for Thanksgiving.  We're hosting my parents on Thursday, so it will be pretty low key and low stress.  On Saturday, the Crow clan is coming over for soup and such, so another low key event, albeit with a lot more people! :)  It is a tremendous blessing to have awesome families on both sides.

As we enter this season of Thanksgiving and Christmas, remember the One to whom we owe all thanks.  Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father - even the gifts we think we want to return, like cancer.  There is something to learn and gain in every situation, good or bad.  We need to praise Him in the good times and in the bad times.  My prayer for all of you is that Thanksgiving will be a wonderful, blessed time with your families and friends. Enjoy every minute of it!

Bad at Math

I had my treatment yesterday.  Sylvia decided that my nausea was probably related to my meds.  She thinks the combination of the Ritalin and the Cymbalta are the culprits.  We're backing off on the Ritalin.  The Cymbalta is helpful for the neuropathy, and the Ritalin is just to help me stay awake.  We decided I would rather be tired than throwing up.  I can push through the fatigue, but I can't work if I'm vomiting. :)  Hopefully that will help.  I'm still having lots of anxiety, though.  I cry a lot for absolutely no reason.  My poor husband does such a good job providing comfort.

When we were done with treatment, I asked for my schedule for the next two weeks so we could plan my end of chemo party.  It turned out that we were bad at math and I still have 3 more treatments.  I won't be done until Dec. 11th.  Sigh.  Someday we'll be done!!  The end is at least in sight.

Still not well

Just a quick update tonight.  I went to work, but had to call Darrin at about 8:15 to come get me.  I was really nauseous and anxious.  He called the clinic and then came to get me.  My amazing coworkers jumped right in to cover for me.

We went to the clinic around 10 and got more fluids and such.  Then I spent the day resting and sleeping.  I'm supposed to have treatment tomorrow morning. I'm anxious to hear what they decide.

I keep hoping I'll learn whatever I'm supposed to learn so this can stop being so hard! :)

Downhill

Well, things went downhill from my last post.  I got really nauseous Wednesday morning.  Fortunately, Darrin came to school to drop some things off and insisted that I go home.  It was good I did- I threw up several times.  I rested all morning and then went back to school for world history and drama.  On Thursday Sylvia decided to delay treatment AGAIN, so no bell ringing the day before Thanksgiving.  I got a couple bags of fluids and some steroids, and then I went back to school to do my final dress rehearsal for the show.  On Friday I still didn't feel good, so after 2nd hour I went back to the clinic and got 2 more bags of fluids and steroids.  Then I went back to school to finish out the day.  Throughout all this, I couldn't stop crying.  It was just uncontrollable and constant.  It took a huge effort at school to stay calm.  Friday after school I came home and went up to rest for a while.  When it was time to go for call for opening night, I didn't think I could get up. I almost stayed home and let Darrin take care of everything.  He easily could have.  But instead, I asked for the strength to get out of bed, and I did.  I went to the show and everything came together well and the kids did a great job.  I'm very proud of them.  We had to postpone the cast party twice, so all the kids will be coming over this Friday night from 7-10.  I'm looking forward to it.  Coming in to the semester 2 weeks late didn't give me a chance to really get to know some of the new kids  I'm excited to get to hang out with them away from school and build some relationships.

I was looking forward to going to a breast cancer support group tonight.  I went over to Hall-Perrine, but there was no one there, and the schedules on all the conference rooms had other meetings listed.  I'm disappointed.  It is a big deal for me to willingly go meet a bunch of strangers all by myself.  :)  I was hoping to make some connections and hear other stories that would help me feel not so alone in this battle.  When I called Darrin and told him I couldn't find it, he suggested I call a friend and go out for coffee.  I thought about that for awhile, and then decided to come home and blog instead.  I wish I were better about writing everyday- that is my goal.  I really want to have this record of my journey so I can read it someday and see how amazing God is and how clear His hand is throughout the whole thing.  It's hard to see sometimes, but I know he's guiding me every step along this path.

I finally feel like I'm back on top of my teaching.  I'm mostly caught up with grading, and today I finished planning the rest of the ancient China unit for 6th grade.  I was able to put in some fun and simple activities.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with drama for the next 5 weeks. :)

Today is November 18.  I found my lump (Agatha) on May 10th.  That's 6 months.  I still don't believe I have cancer.  Isn't that weird?  I go to treatment every week, I have no hair, I have somewhere around 12 medicine bottles on my dresser, I can barely walk and I am exhausted all the time.  But my brain just can't seem to accept those 3 little words- I have cancer.  It still seems like it is something that happens to other people, usually older people.  I don't think I am in denial- I don't think that is possible! - I just think my brain is still processing- trying to work through all the ramifications and complications and medications ;).

I was supposed to be done with chemo on Oct. 30th, and finishing up radiation right at the end of the year.  Now it will be Dec 4th when I finish chemo (Lord willing!) and who knows when they'll want to start my 33 sessions of radiation.  It all goes to show that the Lord's plans are not our plans, and His are better, even if we can't see why at the time.

One last thing tonight.  We did decide to go ahead with the genetic testing for the BRCA1 gene. Researchers have been able to identify some other genes that could cause cancer, including some in the colon. Because this testing is new, they are including it in my testing for no extra charge.  It takes about three weeks to get the results back. If I do have the BRCA gene, my chance of developing a new breast cancer, not a recurrence of Agatha but a whole new tumor, is 50-60%.  Those aren't good odds no matter how you look at it, so if that happens, we'll have some decisions to make.  They will also be able to tell me if I have the gene for colon cancer.  There isn't much you can do prophylacticly there, but at least we'll know if we have to be extra vigilant.  :)

I think that pretty well covers the last week or so.  Lord willing we'll do treatment number 10 on Thursday! ;)

Empty

Empty.  For the last few weeks, I have just felt empty.  There have been some really fun and good times, like shopping with a dear friend and hanging out with my family playing games and eating popcorn.  But there has been this overwhelming sense of emptiness over all of it.  I feel like I have given all I have, but there is still more that has to be given.  I know the Lord will give me the strength to carry on, and I am secure in His promises to be with me every step.  But this is HARD.  This is SO HARD.  I can hardly put into words how this all feels.  I often feel trapped in my own body- I can't get my hands or feet to move how I want them to. I can barely pass out papers in class or turn the pages of my book at night.  I've fallen several times and have a huge raspberry on my knee that hurts like the dickens.  I have to draw in my eyebrows every morning with hands that can barely hold the eyebrow pencil.  I can only wear one or two pairs of shoes- all the rest of them fall off or hurt my toes.  I am alternately burning hot and freezing cold.  I often can't remember my husband's name or what I have done all day.  I go days with no appetite and then I want to eat everything in sight.  I cry, no, weep, with no reason and with no warning.  I'm so tired I have actually fallen asleep teaching.  This is HARD.

I only have 3 chemo treatments left.  I'm going to ring that bell the day before Thanksgiving.  Then it's on to 6 and half weeks of radiation.  And then up to a year to recover.  A year.  I just want to be myself again.  Though I think my old self is gone.  I think I will come through this with a new self.  Hopefully a better self.  I want to be more patient. more compassionate, more observant of the people and things around me.  I want to be more appreciative. I want to spend more time doing things I love rather than things I feel I should do.  I know I am already hungrier for God's Word.  I crave His comfort and peace.

I also crave your prayers and support.  Thank you for loving me.  I know I'll get through this, but only with the Lord's help.  I hope you don't mind me being 'real' in this post.  I just want people to know what cancer is like.  It definitely ain't no picnic. :)   But, as I've said before, I wouldn't trade it.

And now it's nap time. :)