Empty

Empty.  For the last few weeks, I have just felt empty.  There have been some really fun and good times, like shopping with a dear friend and hanging out with my family playing games and eating popcorn.  But there has been this overwhelming sense of emptiness over all of it.  I feel like I have given all I have, but there is still more that has to be given.  I know the Lord will give me the strength to carry on, and I am secure in His promises to be with me every step.  But this is HARD.  This is SO HARD.  I can hardly put into words how this all feels.  I often feel trapped in my own body- I can't get my hands or feet to move how I want them to. I can barely pass out papers in class or turn the pages of my book at night.  I've fallen several times and have a huge raspberry on my knee that hurts like the dickens.  I have to draw in my eyebrows every morning with hands that can barely hold the eyebrow pencil.  I can only wear one or two pairs of shoes- all the rest of them fall off or hurt my toes.  I am alternately burning hot and freezing cold.  I often can't remember my husband's name or what I have done all day.  I go days with no appetite and then I want to eat everything in sight.  I cry, no, weep, with no reason and with no warning.  I'm so tired I have actually fallen asleep teaching.  This is HARD.

I only have 3 chemo treatments left.  I'm going to ring that bell the day before Thanksgiving.  Then it's on to 6 and half weeks of radiation.  And then up to a year to recover.  A year.  I just want to be myself again.  Though I think my old self is gone.  I think I will come through this with a new self.  Hopefully a better self.  I want to be more patient. more compassionate, more observant of the people and things around me.  I want to be more appreciative. I want to spend more time doing things I love rather than things I feel I should do.  I know I am already hungrier for God's Word.  I crave His comfort and peace.

I also crave your prayers and support.  Thank you for loving me.  I know I'll get through this, but only with the Lord's help.  I hope you don't mind me being 'real' in this post.  I just want people to know what cancer is like.  It definitely ain't no picnic. :)   But, as I've said before, I wouldn't trade it.

And now it's nap time. :)