Downhill

Well, things went downhill from my last post.  I got really nauseous Wednesday morning.  Fortunately, Darrin came to school to drop some things off and insisted that I go home.  It was good I did- I threw up several times.  I rested all morning and then went back to school for world history and drama.  On Thursday Sylvia decided to delay treatment AGAIN, so no bell ringing the day before Thanksgiving.  I got a couple bags of fluids and some steroids, and then I went back to school to do my final dress rehearsal for the show.  On Friday I still didn't feel good, so after 2nd hour I went back to the clinic and got 2 more bags of fluids and steroids.  Then I went back to school to finish out the day.  Throughout all this, I couldn't stop crying.  It was just uncontrollable and constant.  It took a huge effort at school to stay calm.  Friday after school I came home and went up to rest for a while.  When it was time to go for call for opening night, I didn't think I could get up. I almost stayed home and let Darrin take care of everything.  He easily could have.  But instead, I asked for the strength to get out of bed, and I did.  I went to the show and everything came together well and the kids did a great job.  I'm very proud of them.  We had to postpone the cast party twice, so all the kids will be coming over this Friday night from 7-10.  I'm looking forward to it.  Coming in to the semester 2 weeks late didn't give me a chance to really get to know some of the new kids  I'm excited to get to hang out with them away from school and build some relationships.

I was looking forward to going to a breast cancer support group tonight.  I went over to Hall-Perrine, but there was no one there, and the schedules on all the conference rooms had other meetings listed.  I'm disappointed.  It is a big deal for me to willingly go meet a bunch of strangers all by myself.  :)  I was hoping to make some connections and hear other stories that would help me feel not so alone in this battle.  When I called Darrin and told him I couldn't find it, he suggested I call a friend and go out for coffee.  I thought about that for awhile, and then decided to come home and blog instead.  I wish I were better about writing everyday- that is my goal.  I really want to have this record of my journey so I can read it someday and see how amazing God is and how clear His hand is throughout the whole thing.  It's hard to see sometimes, but I know he's guiding me every step along this path.

I finally feel like I'm back on top of my teaching.  I'm mostly caught up with grading, and today I finished planning the rest of the ancient China unit for 6th grade.  I was able to put in some fun and simple activities.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with drama for the next 5 weeks. :)

Today is November 18.  I found my lump (Agatha) on May 10th.  That's 6 months.  I still don't believe I have cancer.  Isn't that weird?  I go to treatment every week, I have no hair, I have somewhere around 12 medicine bottles on my dresser, I can barely walk and I am exhausted all the time.  But my brain just can't seem to accept those 3 little words- I have cancer.  It still seems like it is something that happens to other people, usually older people.  I don't think I am in denial- I don't think that is possible! - I just think my brain is still processing- trying to work through all the ramifications and complications and medications ;).

I was supposed to be done with chemo on Oct. 30th, and finishing up radiation right at the end of the year.  Now it will be Dec 4th when I finish chemo (Lord willing!) and who knows when they'll want to start my 33 sessions of radiation.  It all goes to show that the Lord's plans are not our plans, and His are better, even if we can't see why at the time.

One last thing tonight.  We did decide to go ahead with the genetic testing for the BRCA1 gene. Researchers have been able to identify some other genes that could cause cancer, including some in the colon. Because this testing is new, they are including it in my testing for no extra charge.  It takes about three weeks to get the results back. If I do have the BRCA gene, my chance of developing a new breast cancer, not a recurrence of Agatha but a whole new tumor, is 50-60%.  Those aren't good odds no matter how you look at it, so if that happens, we'll have some decisions to make.  They will also be able to tell me if I have the gene for colon cancer.  There isn't much you can do prophylacticly there, but at least we'll know if we have to be extra vigilant.  :)

I think that pretty well covers the last week or so.  Lord willing we'll do treatment number 10 on Thursday! ;)