Typing is becoming almost an impossibility. It is almost like I'm typing in tongues- I think I'm typing in English, but when I look at my screen, it is just gibberish. (I know that's not right theologically- I'm just being funny). :) It is no end of frustrating. That is why I haven't written much lately. But I have some important updates, so I'm pushing through it.
First- I did have chemo last week and this week. We talked with Dr. Buntinas for an hour today. She is really great. A lot of questions got asked and answered. First, she is not sure how long they will continue to do the chemo. There might be a point of diminishing returns where the side effects are worse than the benefits of the chemo. OF course, not finishing the chemo increases my chances of recurrence. Not a happy thought. She also said that even after chemo is done, it will take 6 months to a year to wean off all the meds and deal with late side effects. That was really disheartening, but good to know. I'd started wondering what was going to happen when I'm done.
The stronger pain patch I got last week is amazing. I'm allergic to the adhesive, so it leaves red marks, but it's worth it for the pain relief. The neuropathy is no better, though. I've fallen down the stairs once and managed to catch myself 2 other times. I'm really unsteady on my feet, which makes me nervous walking and driving. I can't always feel the pedals.
The fatigue has hit me like a ton of bricks. It is hard to stay awake sometime while I am standing in front of my class actively teaching. That can be awkward! :) We're tweaking the ritalin to see if that helps.
Now- on to my two special surprises. A dear friend of mine lives in Vancouver, and I haven't seen her (other than on Skype) for almost a year. Her grandpa passed away, so she flew here for the funeral, and she got to go to chemo with me today! It was such a blessing, though I'm sad her grandpa died. It was funny at chemo, it makes me so tired, but I so wanted to talk. I actually fell asleep talking a couple of times and said really silly things! :) I'm sure I won't be hearing about it for years. ;)
My second special surprise today happened at the school choir concert. The junior higher prepared "Already There" and sang it tonight. They did an amazing job practicing and keeping it a secret!! I cried, of course. I hope it was encouraging to everyone- it's such a great song. If you want to hear Casting Crowns' version, it is the second post on my blog. :)
Thank you for continuing to stick with me! I'll try to keep updating a little more regularly. :)
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Pain Relief!
Sylvia prescribed me a pain patch on Thursday, and it has started working!! It doesn't help the neuropathy at all, but it has sure taken a bite out of the pain. I'm so thankful. I can actually function again! Today Darrin and I got to help with a surprise birthday party for a dear friend of ours, and I made it all the way through with very little pain. It was really great. I did come home and sleep for several hours, though.:)
Tomorrow we are going leaf looking. One of my very favorite fall activities. We're going to head over through Maquoketa and to Sebula and up the River Road. It should be beautiful. Most of the Crow clan is coming along, so it should be a fun family day.
Darrin is performing tonight at Granger House in Marion. I was going to go along, but I am really tired. I thought I would fall asleep in the middle. I"m sure he'll be amazing, and I'll get to hear him next week when he does it again.
Well, Luke is hovering around wanting to work on some movie making, so I'll end for tonight. :)
Tomorrow we are going leaf looking. One of my very favorite fall activities. We're going to head over through Maquoketa and to Sebula and up the River Road. It should be beautiful. Most of the Crow clan is coming along, so it should be a fun family day.
Darrin is performing tonight at Granger House in Marion. I was going to go along, but I am really tired. I thought I would fall asleep in the middle. I"m sure he'll be amazing, and I'll get to hear him next week when he does it again.
Well, Luke is hovering around wanting to work on some movie making, so I'll end for tonight. :)
Friday, October 10, 2014
I've lost my voice
It's funny, I've been thinking about this post for a few days, and then I physically lost my voice. I was so frustrated because I wanted to talk to Darrin about it, but I physically couldn't. It was a nice illustration of how I'm feeling mid-treatment.
I'm reminded daily how much love and support are all around me, and I am so very thankful for all of it. But I'm finding that breast cancer is a very lonely journey. Especially for me, I think. I've read books, online forums, talked to other survivors, and it just makes me feel more isolated. My experience is so atypical. All the forums talk about how easy the Taxol is compared to the A/C. If they have trouble with it, it's things like losing toenails, not severe neuropathy. Sylvia told us that 1 in 50 of their patients have this much trouble. Being that one makes connecting with others much harder.
As I read all these books and forums, so many people talk about their wonderful goals. They are starting businesses, volunteering, saving pets, taking their dream trips, writing a novel. I feel so adrift. I don't currently have any goals, other than getting through each day of teaching and being as present as possible with my family. I know some of you will say that is enough for now, and I know it is. But I want to have goals for my life. How can God use me if I am just adrift, going through the motions, as the popular song says? I love my job and have no intention of leaving it- I just need personal goals. Darrin has offered to go away for a weekend between chemo and radiation to have a planning and goal setting retreat. I love that idea. I've watched him create a really successful business and become so focused and confident over the last few years. He's a great goal setter. Together I think we'll come up with some good ideas.
Mid-chemo is really hard. The initial shock and flurry of activity, visits, cards, etc has ended. Now it's just slogging through the tough stuff. And it keep getting cumulatively tougher. We've been (necessarily) isolated from friends and even family sometimes. It's hard to see people when I'm asleep. It's hard to do activities when I can barely walk and am in so much pain I can barely function. My poor husband is such an extrovert. It's harder on him than on me, I think. Though we both love having people over and building relationships.
It's harder to blog, too. Sometimes because I just want to sleep, sometimes because one of the boys is on the computer when I happen to be awake, sometimes because it's just too much effort to type. This entry is taking forever- I keep hitting wrong keys and having to correct. That never used to happen. Not being able to blog as much feels like I am losing my voice.
Sorry for such a downer post. I thought it was important for people to know what mid-chemo is like. One purpose of the blog is to help people understand what going through cancer is like (though most people will have an easier time). Another purpose is to help me process my thoughts and emotions. The third purpose is so I don't have to repeat myself or tell stories over and over. :) I'm not looking for pity with this post- I just want people to understand where I am right now. Thanks for hanging with me!!
I'm reminded daily how much love and support are all around me, and I am so very thankful for all of it. But I'm finding that breast cancer is a very lonely journey. Especially for me, I think. I've read books, online forums, talked to other survivors, and it just makes me feel more isolated. My experience is so atypical. All the forums talk about how easy the Taxol is compared to the A/C. If they have trouble with it, it's things like losing toenails, not severe neuropathy. Sylvia told us that 1 in 50 of their patients have this much trouble. Being that one makes connecting with others much harder.
As I read all these books and forums, so many people talk about their wonderful goals. They are starting businesses, volunteering, saving pets, taking their dream trips, writing a novel. I feel so adrift. I don't currently have any goals, other than getting through each day of teaching and being as present as possible with my family. I know some of you will say that is enough for now, and I know it is. But I want to have goals for my life. How can God use me if I am just adrift, going through the motions, as the popular song says? I love my job and have no intention of leaving it- I just need personal goals. Darrin has offered to go away for a weekend between chemo and radiation to have a planning and goal setting retreat. I love that idea. I've watched him create a really successful business and become so focused and confident over the last few years. He's a great goal setter. Together I think we'll come up with some good ideas.
Mid-chemo is really hard. The initial shock and flurry of activity, visits, cards, etc has ended. Now it's just slogging through the tough stuff. And it keep getting cumulatively tougher. We've been (necessarily) isolated from friends and even family sometimes. It's hard to see people when I'm asleep. It's hard to do activities when I can barely walk and am in so much pain I can barely function. My poor husband is such an extrovert. It's harder on him than on me, I think. Though we both love having people over and building relationships.
It's harder to blog, too. Sometimes because I just want to sleep, sometimes because one of the boys is on the computer when I happen to be awake, sometimes because it's just too much effort to type. This entry is taking forever- I keep hitting wrong keys and having to correct. That never used to happen. Not being able to blog as much feels like I am losing my voice.
Sorry for such a downer post. I thought it was important for people to know what mid-chemo is like. One purpose of the blog is to help people understand what going through cancer is like (though most people will have an easier time). Another purpose is to help me process my thoughts and emotions. The third purpose is so I don't have to repeat myself or tell stories over and over. :) I'm not looking for pity with this post- I just want people to understand where I am right now. Thanks for hanging with me!!
No treatment again :(
We held treatment number 6 yesterday. Sylvia said I made her uncomfortable. :) I've been in too much pain and the neuropathy is increasing too quickly. They discovered yesterday that one of my arthritis drugs interacts with the Taxol and intensifies its effects. This is good for fighting breast cancer, but bad for side effects. We're stopping that drug to see if it helps. I also got a narcotic pain patch that is "only for people who need opiate pain relief 24 hours a day." That would be me. ;) I think it is starting to kick in. I know I'm really tired, which they told me would happen. But the tiredness should lessen as my body adjusts to the medicine. I praying that once we get the pain under control, everything else will get better, too.
I'm frustrated that we had to hold treatment again. I know it was the right decision, but now I won't be done until the week of Thanksgiving. I'll have a lot to be thankful for!!! It's a full month later than it was supposed to be.
On Tuesday night the junior high volleyball team had a pink out for their game. They invited me specially to be there. They had information for people about breast cancer, they decorated the gym with pink balloons and signs, and they gave me a beautiful pink rose. It was so neat and so much fun. They played really well, too, and won their matches. I was really honored and humbled. I was talking to a friend and commented that I loved that they did this, but I also hated it. I hated that they have someone in their lives with cancer, even if it is just a teacher, not a family member. But it affects everyone around me. It is wonderful to see how they respond and how loving and caring they are.
I am so thankful for such wonderful support, even as the journey gets longer and longer.
I'm frustrated that we had to hold treatment again. I know it was the right decision, but now I won't be done until the week of Thanksgiving. I'll have a lot to be thankful for!!! It's a full month later than it was supposed to be.
On Tuesday night the junior high volleyball team had a pink out for their game. They invited me specially to be there. They had information for people about breast cancer, they decorated the gym with pink balloons and signs, and they gave me a beautiful pink rose. It was so neat and so much fun. They played really well, too, and won their matches. I was really honored and humbled. I was talking to a friend and commented that I loved that they did this, but I also hated it. I hated that they have someone in their lives with cancer, even if it is just a teacher, not a family member. But it affects everyone around me. It is wonderful to see how they respond and how loving and caring they are.
I am so thankful for such wonderful support, even as the journey gets longer and longer.
Monday, October 6, 2014
I Did It!!!
Yesterday was the Especially for You breast cancer walk. We took a wheelchair along because I was pretty sure I couldn't walk 5k. But I DID!! I really think it was the Lord giving me the strength and endurance to do it. I was having trouble with the idea that I couldn't walk 3.2 miles. Darrin and I used to take long walks all the time. It was such a feeling of accomplishment to cross that finish line on my own two feet!! Of course, I went home and slept for the entire rest of the day. And I'm paying for it today. But it was SO worth it. You can check out pictures on my facebook page. One friend made me a pink yarn wig that I wore. :) It's really funny.
Tomorrow the volleyball games are a pink out in my honor. I'm going to wear the wig, I think. Probably not all day, though. That might be a little distracting. I"m just feeling so honored and humbled by all the support. The cheerleaders even came out for the walk and cheered all morning- even though they had been up late with Homecoming the night before.
The victory of walking the whole way was even sweeter because the last few days have been really hard. Thursday night after my treatment I had a horrible pain attack. I just laid in bed and sobbed. I took the maximum dose of everything I could, and it didn't touch the pain, Darrin texted our emergency prayer team, and then he prayed over me and read me stories. The combination of lots of prayer and his very soothing voice finally lulled me to sleep.
I also have had no appetite at all since Friday. Nothing sounds or tastes very good. It's frustrating, because I know I need to eat. Some of my meds have changed, and I can't take one of my anti-nausea drugs anymore because it reacts with the Cymbalta. I didn't realize how much the reglan helped until I couldn't take it anymore. I've been fighting nausea the last few days. I thought we had eliminated that problem, but apparently not.
It was Homecoming this past weekend at Cedar Valley. Andy went to the dance with a friend. Actually, most of the sophomore class just went together as a big group. I love that. Cedar Valley does not have a dating culture. The kids mostly just hang out with each other. They all looked great and I think they had a good time. We took the required photos in front of the fire place. :)
I'll end with a really funny story. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and needed a tissue. I was sleeping on my stomach, and I always reach for tissues with my right hand. I reached out, felt the slats on our headboard, and finally found the 'tissues'. I pulled once, but the 'tissue' didn't come out. I pulled again and then realized I was pulling Darrin's hair!! :) I said, "Wrong way!" turned over, and grabbed an actual tissue. In the morning I asked if he felt me pull his hair, and we laughed and laughed. It still makes me chuckle. It's good to find humor wherever we can!
Tomorrow the volleyball games are a pink out in my honor. I'm going to wear the wig, I think. Probably not all day, though. That might be a little distracting. I"m just feeling so honored and humbled by all the support. The cheerleaders even came out for the walk and cheered all morning- even though they had been up late with Homecoming the night before.
The victory of walking the whole way was even sweeter because the last few days have been really hard. Thursday night after my treatment I had a horrible pain attack. I just laid in bed and sobbed. I took the maximum dose of everything I could, and it didn't touch the pain, Darrin texted our emergency prayer team, and then he prayed over me and read me stories. The combination of lots of prayer and his very soothing voice finally lulled me to sleep.
I also have had no appetite at all since Friday. Nothing sounds or tastes very good. It's frustrating, because I know I need to eat. Some of my meds have changed, and I can't take one of my anti-nausea drugs anymore because it reacts with the Cymbalta. I didn't realize how much the reglan helped until I couldn't take it anymore. I've been fighting nausea the last few days. I thought we had eliminated that problem, but apparently not.
It was Homecoming this past weekend at Cedar Valley. Andy went to the dance with a friend. Actually, most of the sophomore class just went together as a big group. I love that. Cedar Valley does not have a dating culture. The kids mostly just hang out with each other. They all looked great and I think they had a good time. We took the required photos in front of the fire place. :)
I'll end with a really funny story. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and needed a tissue. I was sleeping on my stomach, and I always reach for tissues with my right hand. I reached out, felt the slats on our headboard, and finally found the 'tissues'. I pulled once, but the 'tissue' didn't come out. I pulled again and then realized I was pulling Darrin's hair!! :) I said, "Wrong way!" turned over, and grabbed an actual tissue. In the morning I asked if he felt me pull his hair, and we laughed and laughed. It still makes me chuckle. It's good to find humor wherever we can!
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
All good things must come to an end
My fabulous weekend turned into a not so fabulous week. My feet and ankles got really swollen on Sunday night, and today I couldn't get my rings on my fingers. The swelling in my feet and ankles is pretty painful.
I've also started having "pain attacks". That's what I'm calling them. On Monday night I woke up in horrible pain. I had already taken my pain medication, so there was nothing I could do. It lasted about 15 minutes and then I fell asleep. Then on Tuesday I had the same thing happen in the middle of world history class. It was all I could do to get through the period.
Tuesday morning I was talking to Jeff (My boss) about some theatre stuff. At the end of the conversation he asked how I was doing, and reiterated that I was free to not be there if I didn't feel good. He said he knew I would rather be dead than not at school, and he was giving me permission to take time to take care of myself. I really think God prompted him to tell me that. After world history I went down to the office and asked to leave. I went to my parents' house and took a long bath with epsom salts. It didn't really help anything, but it felt very good and was relaxing.
I'm frustrated. You would think that as I get further away from treatment, I would be feeling better and better, not worse and worse. I started dropping things today. I dropped my cereal bowl this morning. It's just hard to feel things. I've started walking like a 90 year old. The chemo girls all have buttons that say "Cancer Sucks". I don't really like the work 'sucks', but it is really true. I keep telling Darrin that it is all just stupid. The side effects are just stupid.
I led the staff prayer time this morning. We get together every Wednesday, and one person shares a brief thought and then we pray specifically for the school- the students, teachers, administration, school board and elders. I shared from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. That's the passage about strength and weakness. I have sure felt weak over the past several months. The only way I've gotten this far is through His strength.
Yesterday, the devotion in my book talked about how He is already there, at the end of our circumstances. It was such a great reinforcement. Encouragement keeps coming at exactly the right time.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Women, be sure to do your exams! Husbands, encourage your wives to do their exams. I found my lump because I was familiar with what it was supposed to feel like. Early detection is key.
Happy October! Take time to enjoy the beauty that is fall in Iowa!
I've also started having "pain attacks". That's what I'm calling them. On Monday night I woke up in horrible pain. I had already taken my pain medication, so there was nothing I could do. It lasted about 15 minutes and then I fell asleep. Then on Tuesday I had the same thing happen in the middle of world history class. It was all I could do to get through the period.
Tuesday morning I was talking to Jeff (My boss) about some theatre stuff. At the end of the conversation he asked how I was doing, and reiterated that I was free to not be there if I didn't feel good. He said he knew I would rather be dead than not at school, and he was giving me permission to take time to take care of myself. I really think God prompted him to tell me that. After world history I went down to the office and asked to leave. I went to my parents' house and took a long bath with epsom salts. It didn't really help anything, but it felt very good and was relaxing.
I'm frustrated. You would think that as I get further away from treatment, I would be feeling better and better, not worse and worse. I started dropping things today. I dropped my cereal bowl this morning. It's just hard to feel things. I've started walking like a 90 year old. The chemo girls all have buttons that say "Cancer Sucks". I don't really like the work 'sucks', but it is really true. I keep telling Darrin that it is all just stupid. The side effects are just stupid.
I led the staff prayer time this morning. We get together every Wednesday, and one person shares a brief thought and then we pray specifically for the school- the students, teachers, administration, school board and elders. I shared from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. That's the passage about strength and weakness. I have sure felt weak over the past several months. The only way I've gotten this far is through His strength.
Yesterday, the devotion in my book talked about how He is already there, at the end of our circumstances. It was such a great reinforcement. Encouragement keeps coming at exactly the right time.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Women, be sure to do your exams! Husbands, encourage your wives to do their exams. I found my lump because I was familiar with what it was supposed to feel like. Early detection is key.
Happy October! Take time to enjoy the beauty that is fall in Iowa!
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