I've lost my voice

It's funny, I've been thinking about this post for a few days, and then I physically lost my voice.    I was so frustrated because I wanted to talk to Darrin about it, but I physically couldn't.  It was a nice illustration of how I'm feeling mid-treatment.

I'm reminded daily how much love and support are all around me, and I am so very thankful for all of it.  But I'm finding that breast cancer is a very lonely journey.  Especially for me, I think.  I've read books, online forums, talked to other survivors, and it just makes me feel more isolated.  My experience is so atypical.  All the forums talk about how easy the Taxol is compared to the A/C.  If they have trouble with it, it's things like losing toenails, not severe neuropathy.  Sylvia told us that 1 in 50 of their patients have this much trouble.  Being that one makes connecting with others much harder.

As I read all these books and forums, so many people talk about their wonderful goals.  They are starting businesses, volunteering, saving pets, taking their dream trips, writing a novel.  I feel so adrift.  I don't currently have any goals, other than getting through each day of teaching and being as present as possible with my family.  I know some of you will say that is enough for now, and I know it is.  But I want to have goals for my life.  How can God use me if I am just adrift, going through the motions, as the popular song says? I love my job and have no intention of leaving it- I just need personal goals.  Darrin has offered to go away for a weekend between chemo and radiation to have a planning and goal setting retreat.  I love that idea.  I've watched him create a really successful business and become so focused and confident over the last few years.  He's a great goal setter. Together I think we'll come up with some good ideas.

Mid-chemo is really hard.  The initial shock and flurry of activity, visits, cards, etc has ended.  Now it's just slogging through the tough stuff.  And it keep getting cumulatively tougher.  We've been (necessarily) isolated from friends and even family sometimes.  It's hard to see people when I'm asleep.  It's hard to do activities when I can barely walk and am in so much pain I can barely function.  My poor husband is such an extrovert.  It's harder on him than on me, I think.  Though we both love having people over and building relationships.

It's harder to blog, too.  Sometimes because I just want to sleep, sometimes because one of the boys is on the computer when I happen to be awake, sometimes because it's just too much effort to type.  This entry is taking forever- I keep hitting wrong keys and having to correct.  That never used to happen.  Not being able to blog as much feels like I am losing my voice.

Sorry for such a downer post.  I thought it was important for people to know what mid-chemo is like. One purpose of the blog is to help people understand what going through cancer is like (though most people will have an easier time).  Another purpose is to help me process my thoughts and emotions.  The third purpose is so I don't have to repeat myself or tell stories over and over. :)  I'm not looking for pity with this post- I just want people to understand where I am right now.  Thanks for hanging with me!!