Unpredictabiity

OK- so I've learned I should not say I will do anything everyday or make any long term commitments while recovering from cancer.  It wants to be in control, and the minute I try to assert myself, it reminds me who is boss. :)  I had a really hard day on Wednesday, for two reasons, I think.  First, I am developing lymphedema in my right arm.  It is incredibly painful and I hadn't slept well for several days.  I'm going to the lymphedema clinic sometime next week, I hope.  Meanwhile, I am wearing a compression sleeve that very well could become part of my permanent daily wardrobe.  Yippee.

The other thing that actually sent me into panic attacks was attending a breast reconstruction event Tuesday night.  It was supposed to be informative, and it was, but it all the wrong ways.  I think most of us in the room were horrified by his pictures and descriptions of how things are done and what happens if it doesn't go right.  It would have been great for other physicians, but for actual cancer patients, it was too much on top of an already very scary life.  I literally had two panic attacks about it on Wednesday, and I was out of my anxiety med.  We got that refilled in the afternoon, and I started feeling much better.

Sometimes I get going feeling good, and then I crash and burn because I forget that I still have LOTS of healing to do. It's such a slow, frustrating process.  But this time I went 2 whole weeks feeling pretty good!  I feel good again today, so we'll start the clock again and see how long I can go this time.  :)

What I've really been wanting to write about is worthy of its own post, so I think I'll end here and start a new post about my topic. ;)

My kids are growing up!

I actually had another blog post planned for today, but the day completely got away from me.  We had to go tux shopping for Andy because he got asked to prom!  He's going with a really great girl. They did both speech contest and music contest together and are friends.  I'm excited he is going and I think they will have a great time.

This afternoon we went over to a local church in town to help with their Saturday Evening Meal Program (SEMP).  A dear friend of ours has run it for at least 25 years.  We wanted a way to serve the poor in our community, and this is a great opportunity.  We served a really nice meal to about 80 people tonight.  On busy weekends, they serve double that.  Last year when Darrin and I read through the Bible in a year, Darrin noticed how often the Lord talks about the poor.  In both the Old and New Testaments, we are told to look after the poor, the widows, and the orphans.  This has become very important to us.  It was great to see the boys jump right in to helping.  They were calling people sir and ma'am, which I could tell really pleased a lot of them.  It was a mark of respect they probably don't get very often.

Tonight Darrin and I did Shiloh's senior board for Senior Sunday at church tomorrow.  I've been thinking about it for 2 years, but it just got finished about 10 minutes ago. :)  Amazing how that happens, isn't it?

Anyway, I PROMISE that tomorrow I will have a meaningful post.  I'm excited about it and want to give it the time I need to to say everything right. :)  See you tomorrow!

I'm back!

I'm back! I'm going to try talking my blog instead of typing it tonight just for fun to see how it goes. So if there are weird typos I don't catch, or if my blog doesn't sound the way it always sounds it's because I'm talking it rather than writing it. After several months of absence it's time to get back to the blog and talk about my experiences. I'm committing to blog every day in the month of May so I can cover all of the topics and everything I want to talk about. It's been a tough several months but God has been very, very kind to us and has taught me and Darrin and our boys an awful lot. I'm finally starting to feel better for real and back to my normal self.

Today's entry is going to be short, because it was track and field day at school. We had a great day and the weather was practically perfect. After school we took a bunch of boys to go see The Avengers. It was a really great movie and we had a great time. Luke went to spend the night with a friend so we took Shiloh and Andy out to dinner and just got home a little while ago. So check back tomorrow for a longer entry and the start of the retelling of my journey of the last few months. Have a great night!

Surviving

A lot of people ask me how I'm doing.  I'm learning to take a moment and answer honestly.  I'm obviously not going to go into lots of detail about anything, unless they ask, but I want to be real.  If I am struggling, I'm going to say so and ask for their prayers.  If I'm doing well, I'm going to rejoice with them.  And it's different from day to day- sometimes hour to hour.  But I have to be real.  Far too often Christians want to hide their pain and pretend things are ok.  How silly is that??  Really, as believers in the Creator of the Universe, the God who heals, loves, cares, provides grace and strength when we need it- why wouldn't we be honest and ask for the prayer we desperately need?

I'm surviving without my husband.  :)  I knew I would, but I sure didn't want to.  I didn't want to have to rely on God.  I even told Him so.  I told Him I'd rather miss out on blessings from Him than be without my husband.  Pretty dumb, right?  Right.  Fortunately, God graciously overlooked my stupidity and heaped on the blessings and the grace over the last couple of days.  He is unendingly good to me, and I so don't deserve it sometimes.

Lots of vignettes

The visit to Mayo was very good.  Most likely no radiation- which is a huge deal, because they would have wanted to do it there at Mayo.  My first surgery, the double mastectomy, is set for March 16th.  We did all the pre-prep stuff and it is actually real.  More on that later.

I FOUND MY WEDDING RING!!!  Well, God sent it back to me.  A woman who works for the county government found it in the skywalk.  She took it back to the secretary at her work, and the secretary went all out trying to find me.  She left her name and number everywhere, and finally , when we returned 2 weeks later, I asked about it at the hotel desk and we were reunited!  The lady, Nancy, lost her ring around her 5 anniversary and never found it.  She remembered how awful it was so she did everything she could to find me.  It was quite a gift to get it back.  Though we had already gone to look at rings and I found one I really liked. . . .  Oh, well.  :)  I really do love my little ring.

I had my first haircut last Thursday.  I barely needed it, but it was a little scruffy.It was great to see Chrystal again, too.  She's been an important part of this journey.

Saturday we took our Individual Events speech team to Tipton for district contest.  Andy and one other student are advancing to State in storytelling.  Imagine that! :)  We are very proud of all of them.

We got home from conference about 2, and I slept all that evening and through the next day until 7.  I'm glad to be working, but it completely wipes me out.  I hate sacrificing time with my family.  I think it will get better as our schedule keeps calming down.

Yesterday was Darrin's birthday and he left for Nebraska to do a festival.  He'll be home late tomorrow night, just in time for our 5th anniversary on Friday.

Now- if you just want an update on things going on and the happy stuff- stop reading here.  If you want the real, raw stuff, keep going.

I can't stop crying.  I try  to keep it together at school, but it takes supreme effort from moment to moment.  I'm so incredibly scared.  This upcoming surgery will change my life forever.  It will never be the same, and I'm not ready for that. I will go to sleep with a complete body, and will wake up with a mutilated one.  I do not yet have the strength to deal with that.  Also- it is less than two weeks away, and God saw fit to remove my husband, my rock, my sea anemone, for three days. I know he wants me to rely on Him for all things, but it is truly hard.  He has been writing the playlist for 101.9 lately, though.  Every time I've turned it on in the last couple of days, all the songs are about strength, peace, God's power, things I really need to hear and remember.

I'm writing this at school while I don't have students.  Just this minute a student brought me a card that was perfectly timed.  Her words reminded me how important it is to fight! and to overcome this for the glory of the Lord.  I also got a card from a friend of a friend- a lady I've never met.  Her words were also so encouraging.  God is really trying to take care of me, and sometimes I am not doing a good job of letting him.  I think we all do that, sometimes.  We either forget to, or don't want to let God be in charge.  Even with God in charge doesn't guarantee that it isn't hard.

I'm too tied to write more right now. :)

The Eye of the Hurricane

So my appointment free week ended up with a dentist appointment. :)  I called and they happened to have an opening with my hygienist the next day.  I've gone through several dentists, but Michelle has cleaned my teeth since my first dentist visit. :)  She was so upset about my cancer.  We had a good talk about it. (Before she cleaned my teeth!)  It is so great to have prayers and support from so many places.

I had a great week at school, but it completely wiped me out.  I slept until 3 on Saturday, and napped on Sunday from about 2 until 7.  I missed Bible Study.  I hate losing my family/friend time to this weariness.  I'm so glad to be teaching again, but I am definitely paying for it.

 Luke's basketball season ends tonight at Springville.  Having that over will really help our evenings.  I've really enjoyed watching him play, though.  He has started to really enjoy playing, and it shows.  He's scored 10 points so far this season, and he's had a few steals and some good rebounds.  I'm really, really proud of him.  I hope he'll play in high school.  I think he could eventually be pretty good if he keeps at it.

My mom found out late last week that she is the BRCA-1 carrier.  She will see my oncologist, Dr. Buntinas, who will keep an eye on her.  It's pretty amazing that she made it to 66 and hasn't had any cancer.  She feels guilty that I had to be the one to discover it and deal with cancer.  I told her God's plan is perfect and He worked it out exactly how He wanted it.  He's provided everything we need, and although it has been such a tough road, it's brought our family closer to each other and closer to the Lord.  What could be better than that?

We head up to Mayo tomorrow for 4 appointments on Wednesday.  The most important is with the radiation oncologist.  There is a possibility I'll have to do radiation, and a small possibility I'll have to do it at Mayo.  That would mean 6 weeks at Mayo, coming home on the weekends.  If I do have to have it, I'm hoping it can be at Hall- Perrine or at least at the University.  I'm looking forward to getting some answers and getting surgery nailed down.

I feel like I am in the eye of the hurricane.  Things are calm right now, but soon the storm will start raging again.  Even now, I'm dealing with lots of pain all the time.  My pain patch doesn't even seem to touch it.  I'm not sure what's going on, but I don't like it much.  I'll mention it at Mayo and see what they say.

Thanks for sticking with me through the storm!

Back to School

I started back to school full time yesterday.  It was really good to be back.  It's great to have my classroom back and I'm very much enjoying getting back to my curriculum.  I just about have my grade book all caught up, which is good seeing as next week is the end of 3rd quarter.  I can hardly believe it!

Last night Darrin and I got to go see Alton Brown Live.  Some friends of ours bought tickets, but then they moved out of town and couldn't use them, so they passed them to us.  And these weren't just any tickets- these were the meet and greet, 2nd row tickets!  We've never watched Alton Brown's show, Good Eats, but we think we will now!  ( he is a celebrity chef).  He was very friendly when we met him and he signed some things for us.  The show was absolutely hilarious.  I think I smiled for the whole two and a half hours.  He is a masterful storyteller and had us hanging on every hilarious word.  It was exactly what I needed after such a hard weekend.  God is so good.  He had that little respite planned out for us from the very beginning.  He knew we would need to laugh and have time together.  It was perfect.

The rest of the week is very quiet.  I think this is the first week in 7 months that I do not have ANY appointments.   I am really excited about that. :)  Starting next week they pick up again, so I am going to savor this week.  It feels like an oasis in the midst of our desert.  We are filling back up so we can face what is coming.  :) Go, Team Robin!!