Lots of tears

The past two days have been so hard.  I've cried my way through them.  I think I'm starting to worry about the school year and if I'll be able to handle it.  I'm just so tired.  And there is no joy in anything right now.  I'm clinging to the hope that it WILL get better- the Lord is already there.  He is sustaining me, but, boy, is it hard right now.

We've tried walking, which helps a little, but I'm not supposed to do too much of that while taking this antibiotic that can react with the steroids I'm taking.   It's kind of a catch 22.  The last thing I need is to rupture my Achilles. My team increased my anxiety med, but of course that just makes me more tired.

It's just so hard to look ahead and not see an end.   I'll be in treatment until the new year.  And then dealing with after effects for who knows how many months. And taking hormone pills for 10 years.  I miss myself, if that makes any sense at all.  This is such a hard fight and I am weary.

I have to go in the next few days and get fitted for a sleeve and glove to treat lymphedema.  Whenever lymph nodes are removed, you run the risk of swelling due to a broken lymphatic system. This swelling can be very hard on skin and can cause cellulitis.  I experienced swelling in my hand when we went camping, so now I need to have some compression to keep it from happening again.  At this point I'll only have to wear the sleeve if I fly, but I'm supposed to wear the glove when doing any strenuous activity, or even just walking.  This is a forever thing- lymphedema doesn't just stop happening.  Hopefully we've caught it early enough that it won't be much of a problem.  But it's just one more thing.  One more thing that I have to deal with forever on this side of Heaven.

I know the Lord is working through this and making me more of who He wants me to be, and I'm honored that He thinks me capable of dealing with all this.  I guess I really wouldn't trade it- there is nothing better than to be in the center of His will.  He never, ever promised that life would be easy- just that He would help bear the burden.  I know He is walking every step of this with me, and that is what gets me out of bed in the morning.  But I won't deny that this is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I've had plenty of tough stuff to deal with over the years- everyone has.  But this is taking every ounce of courage I've got, and sometimes I think it isn't quite enough.  But I have to believe that He is giving me exactly what I need when I need it.  I'm clinging to that hope that better things are coming, because I know He is already there.