No treatment again :(

We held treatment number 6 yesterday.  Sylvia said I made her uncomfortable.  :)  I've been in too much pain and the neuropathy is increasing too quickly.  They discovered yesterday that one of my arthritis drugs interacts with the Taxol and intensifies its effects.  This is good for fighting breast cancer, but bad for side effects.  We're stopping that drug to see if it helps.  I also got a narcotic pain patch that is "only for people who need opiate pain relief 24 hours a day."  That would be me.  ;)  I think it is starting to kick in.  I know I'm really tired, which they told me would happen.  But the tiredness should lessen as my body adjusts to the medicine.   I praying that once we get the pain under control, everything else will get better, too.

I'm frustrated that we had to hold treatment again.  I know it was the right decision, but now I won't be done until the week of Thanksgiving.  I'll  have a lot to be thankful for!!!  It's a full month later than it was supposed to be.

On Tuesday night the junior high volleyball team had a pink out for their game.  They invited me specially to be there.   They had information for people about breast cancer, they decorated the gym with pink balloons and signs, and they gave me a beautiful pink rose.  It was so neat and so much fun.  They played really well, too, and won their matches.  I was really honored and humbled.  I was talking to a friend and commented that I loved that they did this, but I also hated it.  I hated that they have someone in their lives with cancer, even if it is just a teacher, not a family member.  But it affects everyone around me.  It is wonderful to see how they respond and how loving and caring they are.

I am so thankful for such wonderful support, even as the journey gets longer and longer.

I Did It!!!

Yesterday was the Especially for You breast cancer walk.  We took a wheelchair along because I was pretty sure I couldn't walk 5k.  But I DID!!  I really think it was the Lord giving me the strength and endurance to do it.  I was having trouble with the idea that I couldn't walk 3.2 miles.  Darrin and I used to take long walks all the time.  It was such a feeling of accomplishment to cross that finish line on my own two feet!!  Of course, I went home and slept for the entire rest of the day.  And I'm paying for it today.  But it was SO worth it.  You can check out pictures on my facebook page.  One friend made me a pink yarn wig that I wore.  :)  It's really funny.

Tomorrow the volleyball games are a pink out in my honor.  I'm going to wear the wig, I think.  Probably not all day, though.  That might be a little distracting.  I"m just feeling so honored and humbled by all the support.  The cheerleaders even came out for the walk and cheered all morning- even though they had been up late with Homecoming the night before.

The victory of walking the whole way was even sweeter because the last few days have been really hard.  Thursday night after my treatment I had a horrible pain attack.  I just laid in bed and sobbed.  I took the maximum dose of everything I could, and it didn't touch the pain,  Darrin texted our emergency prayer team, and then he prayed over me and read me stories.  The combination of lots of prayer and his very soothing voice finally lulled me to sleep.

I also have had no appetite at all since Friday.  Nothing sounds or tastes very good.  It's frustrating, because I know I need to eat.  Some of my meds have changed, and I can't take one of my anti-nausea drugs anymore because it reacts with the Cymbalta.  I didn't realize how much the reglan helped until I couldn't take it anymore.  I've been fighting nausea the last few days.  I thought we had eliminated that problem, but apparently not.

It was Homecoming this past weekend at Cedar Valley.  Andy went to the dance with a friend.  Actually, most of the sophomore class just went together as a big group.  I love that.  Cedar Valley does not have a dating culture.  The kids mostly just hang out with each other.  They all looked great and I think they had a good time.  We took the required photos in front of the fire place. :)

I'll end with a really funny story.  A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and needed a tissue.  I was sleeping on my stomach, and I always reach for tissues with my right hand.  I reached out, felt the slats on our headboard, and finally found the 'tissues'.  I pulled once, but the 'tissue' didn't come out.  I pulled again and then realized I was pulling Darrin's hair!! :)  I said, "Wrong way!" turned over, and grabbed an actual tissue.  In the morning I asked if he felt me pull his hair, and we laughed and laughed.  It still makes me chuckle.  It's good to find humor wherever we can!

All good things must come to an end

My fabulous weekend turned into a not so fabulous week.  My feet and ankles got really swollen on Sunday night, and today I couldn't get my rings on my fingers.  The swelling in my feet and ankles is pretty painful.

I've also started having "pain attacks".  That's what I'm calling them.  On Monday night I woke up in horrible pain.  I had already taken my pain medication, so there was nothing I could do.  It lasted about 15 minutes and then I fell asleep.  Then on Tuesday I had the same thing happen in the middle of world history class.  It was all I could do to get through the period.

Tuesday morning I was talking to Jeff (My boss)  about some theatre stuff.  At the end of the conversation he asked how I was doing, and reiterated that I was free to not be there if I didn't feel good.   He said he knew I would rather be dead than not at school, and he was giving me permission to take time to take care of myself.  I really think God prompted him to tell me that.  After world history I went down to the office and asked to leave.  I went to my parents' house and took a long bath with epsom salts.  It didn't really help anything, but it felt very good and was relaxing.

I'm frustrated.  You would think that as I get further away from treatment, I would be feeling better and better, not worse and worse.  I started dropping things today.  I dropped my cereal bowl this morning.  It's just hard to feel things.  I've started walking like a 90 year old.  The chemo girls all have buttons that say "Cancer Sucks".  I don't really like the work 'sucks', but it is really true.  I keep telling Darrin that it is all just stupid.  The side effects are just stupid.

I led the staff prayer time this morning.  We get together every Wednesday, and one person shares a brief thought and then we pray specifically for the school- the students, teachers, administration, school board and elders. I shared from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  That's the passage about strength and weakness.   I have sure felt weak over the past several months.  The only way I've gotten this far is through His strength.

Yesterday, the devotion in my book talked about how He is already there, at the end of our circumstances.  It was such a great reinforcement.  Encouragement keeps coming at exactly the right time.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Women, be sure to do your exams!  Husbands, encourage your wives to do their exams. I found my lump because I was familiar with what it was supposed to feel like.  Early detection is key.

Happy October!  Take time to enjoy the beauty that is fall in Iowa!

A Fabulous Weekend

I had an amazing weekend.  I felt so good.  Other than my hands and feet, of course. :)  On Friday night Darrin and I went to Taj Mahal for wonderful Indian food.  Then we went to TCR to see Into the Woods, one of my favorite musicals.  It was fantastic.  Absolutely thrilling.  I loved it so much.  AND- I forgot, just for a little while, that I have cancer.  It was amazing.

On Saturday, Darrin did shadow puppets at the Lincoln Highway Arts Festival.  I joined him for part of the day.  It was beautiful out and I love watching him tell stories and interact with kids.  On Sunday, we went over to my parents to celebrate their birthdays.  Then I came home and cooked!  I made Darrin his favorite peanut butter rice krispie treats, baked oatmeal, and a couple of dishes to take to school for the 6th graders- they are studying ancient Israel and we were up to Passover.

It's wonderful to finally feel like me again.  I haven't felt like me since June.  The Ritalin is a gift from God.  I can finally function again.  The neuropathy isn't getting any better, though.  And now my feet and ankles are really swollen and painful.  I'm trying ice and elevation to see if that helps.  If not, I'll call the Dr. to make sure it's not anything serious.

My ability to recall words is getting worse and worse.  Today I couldn't come up with Cleopatra in world history.  There were actually several times in that class I had trouble saying what I wanted to.  And I'm saying the wrong word with more regularity.  Yesterday I told Darrin we needed to buy more tomato notes.  (Thank you notes).  Today I asked Luke to put something in the purple (papasan).  I said that one twice before I got it right.  I guess I just needed to say the word purple! :)  I seem to get the first letter correct, but then it becomes a different word.  I have the right word in my head, but the wrong one comes out.  It is actually quite funny.  Losing my words, not so much.  That's just frustrating.

I'm hoping for another couple days of feeling good before my treatment on Thursday.  I hope they'll be able to continue with everything.  Poor Sylvia.  She told us she thinks about me all the time- trying to figure out ways to get me through this.  She's been so amazing.

I'm looking forward to the run/walk on Sunday!!  GO TEAM ROBIN!

No chemo today

When we went in to see Sylvia today, she decided that my neuropathy is bad enough to delay treatment.  She is hoping that taking a week off will let it recede a little bit.  She was not sure if we will just skip this dose or if they will tack it on to the end of the regimen.  She also put me on Ritalin!  In adults, it does exactly the opposite as it does in kids.  It calms kids down, but hypes up adults.  She is trying to get my energy level back up.  All I do is teach and sleep.  I'd like to spend more time interacting with my family.  Though a couple days ago I was awake in the early evening and had an awesome time hanging out with Andy and Luke, just talking and laughing together.  I want more of those times.

Darrin is really good about telling the truth about how I feel.  I tend to downplay any pain or discomfort.  I think it stems from my desire to not inconvenience people.  Silly, I know.  Anyway- he does a good job of overriding me and telling Sylvia when I am really miserable.  Today, it was a good thing.  My stomach has been bugging me.  I thought it felt like a pulled muscle, or a band around my waist.  Apparently, that can be a sign of gall bladder issues.  I'm the perfect candidate for that- pushing 40 (I can't believe I just said that!), female, and "carrying a little extra weight" as Sylvia put it.  Darrin and I laughed and laughed at the prospect of yet another problem.  We're going to keep an eye on it and see what happens.  It could also be pain radiating from my back, which has been sore lately.  I'm praying for that option.

It is really wonderful to have a life partner who is such a wonderful care giver.  He is truly a blessing from the Lord every single day.   He is endlessly patient with my frequent bouts of tears, and always seems to know just what to say to comfort me or make me laugh.  It is amazing that we can find so much to laugh about through all this.  He is just so sunny and positive.  He helps me remember that even though this seems like it will never end, there is an end in sight.  I WILL feel better eventually and get my regular life back.  And that regular life will be so much sweeter for having gone through this suffering.

The first five years of our marriage has been full of major events.  Darrin quit his job and became a storyteller, he's been in 2 car accidents that totaled the vehicle he was driving, (one of which got Andy an ambulance ride with a broken collarbone). I've had ear surgery and two foot surgeries, we bought a new house and watched our old one be torn down, we've had to deal with some difficult people, and now we're fighting cancer.  It has certainly been eventful.  It's been great, though, too.  It has drawn us closer together, and closer to the Lord.  I just hope and pray the next five years will be quieter. :)

Worse than the A/C

So I think the Taxol might be worse than the A/C.  It just took me several tries to write that first sentence.  The neuropathy just keeps getting worse.  I can barely feel my fingers and my feet are alternately numb and painful.  I've upped my medication again, but it's not helping much.  Tomorrow is a chemo day, so I hope we'll be able to come up with a plan.  I'm not sure I can handle this for 2 more months.  It's hard to grade or even hand out papers.  My handwriting is getting almost illegible, and it's getting harder and harder to type.  GRRRR.

With the A/C I could have lots of fluids and anti-nausea drugs that helped a lot.  There isn't anything like that for the Taxol.  Just the gabipenten, which slows the progression but doesn't stop or reverse it.  I'm kind of nervous about what Sylvia will say tomorrow.  I obviously need to finish the regimen, but if it keeps proceeding like this, I won't be able to function.  This is just no fun at all.

On top of that, my muscles are getting weaker, even though I'm doing my exercises every day.  I'd really appreciate prayers so we can figure this out and get a good solution.  It's obviously very frustrating, and scary, too.  I feel like I'm 95 years old.

On the other hand, I know God has better things planned for me.  This is a stage I have to go through and there are lessons to be learned.  He knows how bad it is going to get and He has the strength to see me through it.  I've been thinking a lot about how through him, strength is perfected in weakness.  I'm feeling pretty weak, so hopefully the strength is coming!

School at least has been going quite well.  The kids are very understanding of my chemo brain. :)  It's really good to be teaching- it's a good distraction, even when the neuropathy makes it frustrating.  Tomorrow marks my 5th Taxol treatment, so only 7 more to go after that.  The end might actually sort of be coming into view.

The Especially for You race is coming up soon- I'm signed up to walk it, though I'm not sure I'll be able to.  But that's OK- it will be fun to be there.  GO TEAM ROBIN!!

My birthday

Yesterday (the 19th) was my 38th birthday.  It was a very nice day.  Usually I do not make a big deal out of my birthday.  I kind of feel that birthday parties and such are for kids, unless you're hitting an adult milestone.  I also don't like having a lot of attention paid to me, so I usually let my birthday pass quietly- I don't even have it listed on facebook. :)  But this year I realized that I am lucky to be having a birthday.  Actually, we all are, every year.  We have no idea what God has in store for us and we should celebrate every moment that we have.  So I took candy for the kids at school and talked with them about how we should be thankful for the time we have to do the Lord's work on this earth.  I'm starting to look at birthdays as something to praise God for- it's not about celebrating me, it's about celebrating Him and the work He is doing.  That was a pretty cool revelation.

We went out to dinner at Red Robin- everyone's favorite.  Unfortunately, food has started to taste funny again, so I didn't really enjoy it.  It's different from last time when heavier foods and meat usually tasted pretty good.  Now I'm craving fresh stuff- salads and apples and fruit smoothies.  They still don't always taste right, but at least it's healthier.  And I'm totally over ice cream, which is a great disappointment to my husband.  :)

The neuropathy is getting steadily worse, especially in my feet.  The best way to describe it is how your feet feel after walking several miles in uncomfortable shoes.  Or maybe even heels. ;)  We didn't increase any medications this week, but I think we'll have to next week.  Those meds just make me really tired, so school will probably get a little harder.  I'd appreciate prayers for wakefulness during the school day.

We enjoyed the last farmer's market of the summer this morning.  We bought some mulling spices to go in apple cider.  Then this afternoon we bought a huge pumpkin at Aldi and a gorgeous mum at Sam's.   It's starting to feel like fall and I LOVE it!  We picked the three apples off our apple tree today- they were quite yummy.  In a couple years hopefully we'll be able to have enough apples to make our own cider.  That would be awesome.

Here's to a wonderful fall season, even in the midst of this stupid thing called cancer. :)