Yesterday was another great day. We actually accomplished stuff and really enjoyed our day. Of course, I'm sitting here trying to remember what we did, and I have absolutely no idea. But I know it was a good day. :)
Today I woke up with a massive headache I haven't really been able to shake. I might have done too much on Monday and Tuesday. And maybe my body just knows chemo is coming tomorrow and is already rebelling.
I went to school for a little bit today, met with Jeff, and looked at some calendar stuff to try to get my head around the fall. I really think one of the Lord's main purposes is to get me to quit being a control freak. It frustrates me to no end that I cannot make any solid plans about anything. Usually by this point I've already started making copies and writing out lesson plans. I have to remember that school will still happen and my students will still get educated. My co-workers are absolutely the best people in the world, and my students bring me no end of joy. I couldn't ask for a better situation.
Did I mention that the other day one of the senior boys dropped by with flowers? It was the sweetest thing ever, and they are really beautiful. I definitely have the best job ever. :)
I'm starting to find it hard to track long conversations. I think my writing is probably taking a hit, too. It's getting harder and harder to be coherent and remember what I want to say. Yesterday I was on the phone and couldn't come up with Darrin's name. :) So- if you talk to me and I seem really random or disengaged, I apologize. It is quite an effort, and it leaves me exhausted. And the fatigue is supposed to get worse as treatment goes on, especially with radiation.
I am still managing to enjoy a really great book. I'm reading Bonhoeffer, by Eric Metaxas. It is a biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He was a German pastor who was involved in the big plot to assassinate Hitler. The book focuses on the fact that Christians have to critically evaluate what we believe and why we believe it, and make sure that what we conclude matches with scripture. It is as timely now as it was 70 years ago. We have a new curriculum for Bible class this year from Summit Ministries. It argues pretty much the same thing. We have to know what we believe and why. I love it when separate things come together to make one unifying point. Of course, it's funny that I am reading and thinking so much about intellectual stuff when my intellect is stuck in jello. :)
Tomorrow is the last of the bad chemo. Prayers are appreciated! I don't have to be there until 10:30, so it will be a long day. Go, Team!
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
A great day
Today was really, really good. I have mostly felt good all day. We slept very late- almost embarrassingly so. I guess we both needed the rest. It was a day of wonderful visitors and answered prayers.
I was actually awake very early for awhile. While I was trying to get back to sleep I was praying about having more focused, quality time in the Word. Sometimes I feel like I don't do a very good job of being deliberate about what I am studying. I prayed for more direction and then went back to sleep. Later in the morning, Samantha Ulmer stopped by and brought me a beautiful devotional book. It was a perfect answer to prayer, just hours after I prayed about it. The section I was reading today pointed me to Hebrews 6. It was just so perfect. The chapter starts talking about leaving behind elementary teachings and not grieving the Holy Spirit. It gets more positive as the author continues. Here's the text starting at verse 9:
"Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case- things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust: he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. "
Verse 19 continues: "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf."
I was just so encouraged by these words today. It was exactly what my soul needed to hear and be reminded of. I just love that- "We are confident of better things in your case." I don't want to take anything out of context, but those words just leaped off the page at me today.
And then the day just kept being great! My dear friend Shannon is in town from New Hampshire for a couple days, so I got to spend time with her this afternoon, and then the Lillis' stopped by this evening. And yesterday, some other dear friends dropped off incredible gifts for the boys (Legos, of course!) and gift cards for Chick-fil-A. (Luke told me I should get cancer more often so he can get more Legos!) ;) We also got a meatball and cake drop, which also thrilled the hearts of my boys. :) And a lovely couple from church dropped off a meal tonight that we got to enjoy outside in the beautiful weather. It has been such a day of blessings. I realized this evening that I didn't even take my midday medicines today- I felt good and didn't need them. I'm so thankful. The weekend was pretty tough, and I know I have 2 more weeks of unpleasantness coming before I'm done, so it has been a very sweet day. I had been missing people, even though I didn't feel like seeing anyone the last few days. Today's timing was just perfect and such a gift. Lord willing there will be a couple more good days before we start all over again. What a change from Sunday morning when I felt like I would never feel good again. Praise be to the Lord of new days.
I was actually awake very early for awhile. While I was trying to get back to sleep I was praying about having more focused, quality time in the Word. Sometimes I feel like I don't do a very good job of being deliberate about what I am studying. I prayed for more direction and then went back to sleep. Later in the morning, Samantha Ulmer stopped by and brought me a beautiful devotional book. It was a perfect answer to prayer, just hours after I prayed about it. The section I was reading today pointed me to Hebrews 6. It was just so perfect. The chapter starts talking about leaving behind elementary teachings and not grieving the Holy Spirit. It gets more positive as the author continues. Here's the text starting at verse 9:
"Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case- things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust: he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. "
Verse 19 continues: "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf."
I was just so encouraged by these words today. It was exactly what my soul needed to hear and be reminded of. I just love that- "We are confident of better things in your case." I don't want to take anything out of context, but those words just leaped off the page at me today.
And then the day just kept being great! My dear friend Shannon is in town from New Hampshire for a couple days, so I got to spend time with her this afternoon, and then the Lillis' stopped by this evening. And yesterday, some other dear friends dropped off incredible gifts for the boys (Legos, of course!) and gift cards for Chick-fil-A. (Luke told me I should get cancer more often so he can get more Legos!) ;) We also got a meatball and cake drop, which also thrilled the hearts of my boys. :) And a lovely couple from church dropped off a meal tonight that we got to enjoy outside in the beautiful weather. It has been such a day of blessings. I realized this evening that I didn't even take my midday medicines today- I felt good and didn't need them. I'm so thankful. The weekend was pretty tough, and I know I have 2 more weeks of unpleasantness coming before I'm done, so it has been a very sweet day. I had been missing people, even though I didn't feel like seeing anyone the last few days. Today's timing was just perfect and such a gift. Lord willing there will be a couple more good days before we start all over again. What a change from Sunday morning when I felt like I would never feel good again. Praise be to the Lord of new days.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Turning the corner
I finally started actually feeling better about 4 this afternoon. I'm hoping the next few days will be good before my last A/C treatment on Thursday. I"m really dreading it, but also looking forward to it being the last one. I didn't go to church this morning, which bummed me out, but I do think it helped me start to feel better later. We took a walk and got some sunshine- two things that really are important for mood and to battle fatigue. When I woke up this morning, I was sad and angry. I know that is part of the grieving process, and dealing with cancer really is dealing with grief and loss. I know church is always beneficial and I hate to miss the message and the music and the fellowship, but today it was the right decision to stay home and deal with my emotions.
Throughout the day we were blessed by several friends in several ways. God just keeps pouring out His blessings through all of you. Thanks. We love and appreciate you all so much!
Throughout the day we were blessed by several friends in several ways. God just keeps pouring out His blessings through all of you. Thanks. We love and appreciate you all so much!
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Green beans
I felt pretty good when I woke up this morning, so I got up and made biscuits and gravy for breakfast. I don't know why I continue to bother with cooking or eating- nothing tastes good. But I enjoy the process enough that it is worth it, I guess. We had somewhere around 6 or 7 gallons of green beans to deal with today. We all helped with the snapping and cleaning, and then Darrin experimented with some new recipes. He froze 2 gallons worth, and then made some spicy dilly beans that will be fun to try in a couple weeks. We still have several gallons more to play with tomorrow. It totally did me in, though, and I spent most of the day sleeping, watching tv and trying (unsuccessfully) not to throw up.
We are experimenting more with the umami flavor. It seems to be the only flavor that I can actually taste and sort of enjoy. Umami is that other taste- not sweet, more than savory- like bacon. We have a lentil and rice dish that we like a lot for breakfast that Darrin is making for tomorrow. We're adding some salmon to it, and the cats are going nuts. :) It will be interesting to see how it tastes in the morning.
I was hugely humbled and honored today to get an email message from Father Raphael Abraham. He has asked Archbishop Chrysostomos to pray for me, and the Archbishop has asked the monks at his monastery to intercede on my behalf. I was privileged several years ago to have the Archbishop as a guest speaker in my world history class. He is a brilliant and fascinating man. I am just so humbled that so many people are praying for me.
Sometimes I feel unworthy of this struggle. Why has God chosen me to go through this? I don't mean why me? in a negative way, but in a positive way. Clearly God has a purpose. Am I fulfilling that purpose? Am I wasting an opportunity when I spend the day on the couch watching TV? Or is that part of what I am learning- that it is OK to admit weakness? I am definitely learning that I can't push too hard or I have no choice about being in bed or on the couch. Maybe it's helping me let go of control. I have always been a strong person with a strong personality. (I am a Cline, after all!!) ;) I've been very independent all my life. I lived happily on my own until I was 33. My husband has been such an incredible influence- he makes it very easy to be a submissive wife in the very best sense of the word. But I know I have my independent, stubborn, wants to be in control streak. Cancer has taken away much of that control. I am learning now to trust that every day will bring its own challenges and I have to trust and rely on God and on Darrin to help me get through each day. We can make a tentative plan in the morning that might get thrown out the window by noon. But I know that as long as we are together and we are keeping our focus on God and on each other, we'll get through each day, drawing closer together all the time. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Well, maybe for some good tasting food. . . . :)
We are experimenting more with the umami flavor. It seems to be the only flavor that I can actually taste and sort of enjoy. Umami is that other taste- not sweet, more than savory- like bacon. We have a lentil and rice dish that we like a lot for breakfast that Darrin is making for tomorrow. We're adding some salmon to it, and the cats are going nuts. :) It will be interesting to see how it tastes in the morning.
I was hugely humbled and honored today to get an email message from Father Raphael Abraham. He has asked Archbishop Chrysostomos to pray for me, and the Archbishop has asked the monks at his monastery to intercede on my behalf. I was privileged several years ago to have the Archbishop as a guest speaker in my world history class. He is a brilliant and fascinating man. I am just so humbled that so many people are praying for me.
Sometimes I feel unworthy of this struggle. Why has God chosen me to go through this? I don't mean why me? in a negative way, but in a positive way. Clearly God has a purpose. Am I fulfilling that purpose? Am I wasting an opportunity when I spend the day on the couch watching TV? Or is that part of what I am learning- that it is OK to admit weakness? I am definitely learning that I can't push too hard or I have no choice about being in bed or on the couch. Maybe it's helping me let go of control. I have always been a strong person with a strong personality. (I am a Cline, after all!!) ;) I've been very independent all my life. I lived happily on my own until I was 33. My husband has been such an incredible influence- he makes it very easy to be a submissive wife in the very best sense of the word. But I know I have my independent, stubborn, wants to be in control streak. Cancer has taken away much of that control. I am learning now to trust that every day will bring its own challenges and I have to trust and rely on God and on Darrin to help me get through each day. We can make a tentative plan in the morning that might get thrown out the window by noon. But I know that as long as we are together and we are keeping our focus on God and on each other, we'll get through each day, drawing closer together all the time. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Well, maybe for some good tasting food. . . . :)
Friday, July 25, 2014
Down from the Mountain
The last couple of days were pretty good. No vomiting at all, and just quick appointments for a shot on Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday Darrin told stories in Altoona, so he and the boys took off for Adventureland for the day. I got to hang out with my parents. It was a very nice day. We had lunch at Bata's down in New Bo. It's really, really good. I had a burger that actually had flavor. :)
I'm really glad the boys could go to Adventureland. I was really bummed to not go, but I wouldn't have had any fun and I would have slowed down everyone else. They did bring me a funnel cake, so it was all ok in the end! ;)
Today I felt good enough to run several errands. We turned in all our financial aid applications and procured a building permit to put walls in our basement to make a laundry room/bathroom space. Unfortunately, we were out too long and I didn't get my meds on time, so I spent the late afternoon with some pretty bad nausea and vomiting. We were hoping to go see a show at the Hiawatha Library tonight, but I don't think I should probably go, both because of the nausea, and I really am supposed to be avoiding crowds for at least another day or two.
I'm still working on evaluating my expectations for myself. I'm trying to accomplish one good thing each day. On Wednesday I worked on meal plans and a shopping list. On Thursday my parents took me to do the grocery shopping, and today we took care of financial stuff. Tomorrow maybe we'll work together and get the house clean.
Yesterday we had a good appointment with Sylvia. We're getting to the end of the A/C regimen, so I had some questions about the next step. The nausea will hopefully get a lot better. However, the Taxol causes peripheral neuropathy- tingling in hands and feet. This tingling can be a permanent thing. I will also most likely lose my fingernails and toenails and have lots of skin issues. The fatigue will also intensify.
Interestingly, the Taxol is made from Pacific Yew Trees. Because of this, about 20 percent of patients have an allergic reaction to it. It's not terribly serious- they treat it with Benadryl, but it could affect whether or not I can teach at all on chemo days. So many things are so up in the air. That's hard for me. I'm a planner. I like knowing what is coming up and being able to plan for contingencies. I have to be back at school in less than 3 weeks, which really seems soon. The kids come back in less than 4 weeks. The summer has just disappeared.
I'm concerned about how the fall is going to go. I think I have my plays all picked out for the junior high and high school, so that is a big relief. It sometimes takes me months to find a show I like, so it's a huge blessing that I've found a couple all ready. You know, it just all comes back to trusting the Lord to provide exactly what I need when I need it. I'm confident that He will. I just need to remind myself of it regularly.
Andy is off to a high school party tonight. I can't believe he is almost a sophomore. It's been fun being able to give the boys more and more freedom this summer. They are rising to responsibility and have been so great to be around. It is amazing how much stuff there is to do with youth group and get togethers and stuff. I'll be glad when Andy gets his license in February. Hopefully we'll have a second car by then!
Alright- enough rambling for tonight! Thanks for your prayers and sticking with me through all this!!
I'm really glad the boys could go to Adventureland. I was really bummed to not go, but I wouldn't have had any fun and I would have slowed down everyone else. They did bring me a funnel cake, so it was all ok in the end! ;)
Today I felt good enough to run several errands. We turned in all our financial aid applications and procured a building permit to put walls in our basement to make a laundry room/bathroom space. Unfortunately, we were out too long and I didn't get my meds on time, so I spent the late afternoon with some pretty bad nausea and vomiting. We were hoping to go see a show at the Hiawatha Library tonight, but I don't think I should probably go, both because of the nausea, and I really am supposed to be avoiding crowds for at least another day or two.
I'm still working on evaluating my expectations for myself. I'm trying to accomplish one good thing each day. On Wednesday I worked on meal plans and a shopping list. On Thursday my parents took me to do the grocery shopping, and today we took care of financial stuff. Tomorrow maybe we'll work together and get the house clean.
Yesterday we had a good appointment with Sylvia. We're getting to the end of the A/C regimen, so I had some questions about the next step. The nausea will hopefully get a lot better. However, the Taxol causes peripheral neuropathy- tingling in hands and feet. This tingling can be a permanent thing. I will also most likely lose my fingernails and toenails and have lots of skin issues. The fatigue will also intensify.
Interestingly, the Taxol is made from Pacific Yew Trees. Because of this, about 20 percent of patients have an allergic reaction to it. It's not terribly serious- they treat it with Benadryl, but it could affect whether or not I can teach at all on chemo days. So many things are so up in the air. That's hard for me. I'm a planner. I like knowing what is coming up and being able to plan for contingencies. I have to be back at school in less than 3 weeks, which really seems soon. The kids come back in less than 4 weeks. The summer has just disappeared.
I'm concerned about how the fall is going to go. I think I have my plays all picked out for the junior high and high school, so that is a big relief. It sometimes takes me months to find a show I like, so it's a huge blessing that I've found a couple all ready. You know, it just all comes back to trusting the Lord to provide exactly what I need when I need it. I'm confident that He will. I just need to remind myself of it regularly.
Andy is off to a high school party tonight. I can't believe he is almost a sophomore. It's been fun being able to give the boys more and more freedom this summer. They are rising to responsibility and have been so great to be around. It is amazing how much stuff there is to do with youth group and get togethers and stuff. I'll be glad when Andy gets his license in February. Hopefully we'll have a second car by then!
Alright- enough rambling for tonight! Thanks for your prayers and sticking with me through all this!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Another good day!!
It seems we might have hit on the solution!! Fluids every morning and a strict every 4 hour dose of anti-nausea drugs. I didn't get sick at all today!!!!!!!!! :)We actually ran a few errands and I even cooked supper for the first time in weeks and weeks. We are up to Ireland in our food journey around the world, so I made sausage rolls in phyllo dough (a street food), colcannon (mashed potatoes with kale and onion- super yummy!) and steak and Guinness pie. It was all really fun to do. I know it didn't taste as good to me as it did for everyone else, but I still enjoyed just being about to cook it!
I got to check in with one of my favorite doctors today. Dr. Silber has been treating me for ulcerative colitis since I was 18. He is just such a great guy and a fabulous doctor. He told me dealing with cancer was probably a good enough excuse to not have to have a colonoscopy for another year or so. That was welcome news! I usually have to have one every 12-18 months. I had one last October, so I should be due again within the next 6 months. But now I don't have to have one for awhile!! Yet another small perk. I'll take what I can get, right?? :)
Even though I am feeling better today, I am a little discouraged. I'd been working really hard on losing weight before the cancer. I'd dropped 15 pounds. 8 of them have come back with all the steroids I'm having to take. It's very frustrating. My whole medical team assures me it will get better once the steroids are done, but it is discouraging to lose so much progress through no fault of my own. I know getting healthy is way more than a number on the scale, but I do have to work to keep myself from being bothered by it. It is amazing how Satan's lies about appearance are so very pervasive that it bothers me even when I know I am doing everything possible to be as healthy as I can be through this process. There's my little rant. I'd appreciate prayers for contentment and peace about it. Darrin of course is wonderful and always says the scale reads 'perfect'. :)
I'm just so thankful for a good day today. Lord willing, the rest of this cycle will go well and I'll survive the Red Devil!! Go TEAM!
I got to check in with one of my favorite doctors today. Dr. Silber has been treating me for ulcerative colitis since I was 18. He is just such a great guy and a fabulous doctor. He told me dealing with cancer was probably a good enough excuse to not have to have a colonoscopy for another year or so. That was welcome news! I usually have to have one every 12-18 months. I had one last October, so I should be due again within the next 6 months. But now I don't have to have one for awhile!! Yet another small perk. I'll take what I can get, right?? :)
Even though I am feeling better today, I am a little discouraged. I'd been working really hard on losing weight before the cancer. I'd dropped 15 pounds. 8 of them have come back with all the steroids I'm having to take. It's very frustrating. My whole medical team assures me it will get better once the steroids are done, but it is discouraging to lose so much progress through no fault of my own. I know getting healthy is way more than a number on the scale, but I do have to work to keep myself from being bothered by it. It is amazing how Satan's lies about appearance are so very pervasive that it bothers me even when I know I am doing everything possible to be as healthy as I can be through this process. There's my little rant. I'd appreciate prayers for contentment and peace about it. Darrin of course is wonderful and always says the scale reads 'perfect'. :)
I'm just so thankful for a good day today. Lord willing, the rest of this cycle will go well and I'll survive the Red Devil!! Go TEAM!
Monday, July 21, 2014
A relatively good day!
We started the morning with more nausea and vomiting, but I went in for an hour of fluids and such, and the rest of the day has been much better. We actually went out and did a few things. We picked plums from a friend's plum tree, played a game of Cities and Knights, and went shopping for some things for the boys tonight. I'm moving pretty slow, but at least I could be out!
I also got more of our financial aid info together for the Surgery Center and ended up owing nothing to them for my lumpectomy!! That was a HUGE blessing. There are plenty other bills still coming, but that one was pretty major. I almost cried I was so blown away by God's provision.
I'm trying to decide which is better (or worse)- being nauseous all the time but having my brain fully functional, or feeling decent but having trouble stringing thoughts together. I guess right now it's better to feel decent and not be in the hospital. And my kids can laugh at me for getting confused and using the wrong words! :) And they definitely had an advantage over me in Cities and Knights. Though, when we quit for dinner, Andy I were tied for first, so I guess my brain is at least working a little!!
I also got more of our financial aid info together for the Surgery Center and ended up owing nothing to them for my lumpectomy!! That was a HUGE blessing. There are plenty other bills still coming, but that one was pretty major. I almost cried I was so blown away by God's provision.
I'm trying to decide which is better (or worse)- being nauseous all the time but having my brain fully functional, or feeling decent but having trouble stringing thoughts together. I guess right now it's better to feel decent and not be in the hospital. And my kids can laugh at me for getting confused and using the wrong words! :) And they definitely had an advantage over me in Cities and Knights. Though, when we quit for dinner, Andy I were tied for first, so I guess my brain is at least working a little!!
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