Today is D-Day

No, it is not June 6th, the Day of Days.  It is diagnosis day.  At 3:07 pm, exactly one year ago, I got the call that I have 'a little cancer there.'  Initially, we all thought I would be completely done with treatment by the end of the summer.  Then, .67cm of cancer cells decided to take a trip into a lymph node.  That changed everything.  We went from 4 chemo treatments to 16, and I got every side effect in the book and 5 hospital stays, one 12 days long.  I finally finished chemo on Dec. 4th.  As we were getting ready to start radiation, we discovered I am BRCA-1 positive- the gene for breast and ovarian cancer.  So, instead of radiation, I had a double mastectomy, and am going through a medical oompherectomy (menopause).  I still have one major surgery to finish reconstruction and remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes, and then probably a few little ones to get everything adjusted.  I have to wear a compression sleeve for probably the rest of my life to fight lymphedema, swelling caused by the removal of 27 lymph nodes.  I currently have an infection that will probably need IV antibiotics to get under control, and I'm having an MRI on Wednesday to see what is wrong with my shoulder.

I'm so tired there are  days I can barely function, falling asleep at my desk, sometimes during class.  Our family is getting so busy we are rarely all home together and I miss them.  Our basement flooded and we have to put in a sump pump, so for the last month we've lost a third of our living space.  Shiloh graduates this weekend, and I hope I'll be able to function properly through the day.  I think I am fighting depression, as I tend to cry very easily.  This is not what I expected D-Day to be.  I was hoping it would be a wonderful celebration of being cancer free and winning the war.  Instead, I am still right in the thick of it.

HOWEVER- I have won a lot of battles.  I am not the same woman I was a year ago.  I am more thoughtful(thinking more deeply), I am more compassionate towards  others' plights, I am much quicker to pray for people in need, I am generally quieter.  I look at the world a little differently and savor it a little more.  I have been abundantly blessed, so I want to return those blessings to people around me.  Most of all- I have started to be able to let go of control.  Time and again I have planned something just to have it all fall apart because I would get sick.  I am learning that I have no control over anything.  God is the one who orders our days. I used to have to know every detail about everything.  Now it isn't that I don't care, but I realize there are other people who can handle things and it doesn't have to be me.  This was a very freeing lesson, and I'm sorry it took me so long to learn.  In fact, I'm still learning it.  But I'm getting a lot better. :)

Now I am so overcome with fatigue I am falling asleep typing, so I will close, and continue to count down to 3:07 pm, the moment that changed my world.

FEAR

I've been having lots of problems with my right shoulder.  It hurts all over.  Dr. Brooks thinks it is some rotator cuff irritation.  I'm starting to understand survivor's fear.  I'm terrified that the cancer metastasized to my shoulder bone.  I'm sure I'm being silly, but I can't get rid of the fear.  I have an appointment this morning at 9:30 and 10.  I get another horrible shot, labs drawn, and then a checkup with Sylvia.  I have lots of questions for her.  If anyone reads this in the morning hours today, please pray for peace and a good outcome.   I'll try to update tonight later, as long as the internet keeps working.  It was down yesterday.

GO TEAM ROBIN!  We've still got a ways to go. :)

Sleep?????

The combination of an internal thermostat gone haywire and a very painful shoulder has made sleep an elusive commodity.  I'm worried about my arm, it keeps getting worse , it seems.   I sleep best the hour before I have to get up, which really stinks.  It's hard to be cheerful and keep on top of everything when I am so tired.  I fight really hard everyday at school to stay awake, and on Sunday I slept through a play we went to with some friends.  The few minutes I saw were really good and really funny, so I am bummed that I missed it.  It is just getting more and more difficult to function again.

Tonight is the final music concert of the year.  Luke and Andy both have solos, and I am joining the junior high to sing Already There, which I am very excited about.  It will be nice to end the fine arts year with another great concert. :)

The dreaded 'L' word

During my surgery, Dr. Jakub removed 27 lymph nodes under my right arm.  This increased my risk of lymphedema by 25%.  Unfortunately, that increase was enough to bring on extremely painful problems with my right arm.  Dr. Jakub's nurse said I probably have axillary cording, or Axillary web syndrome.  It's basically scar tissue forming and causing lots of pain.  I see the lympedema specialist next week.  Meanwhile, I'm in A LOT of pain.  It's really hard to sleep, and sometimes even to move.  I'm wearing my lymphedema sleeve, and it helps a little, but I am still really uncomfortable most of the time.  I guess it is just a good reminder that I still have a LONG way to go until complete healing.  And lymphedema is something that doesn't ever go away once it shows up.  Yippee.

Time for popcorn and a movie. :)

Cats and Comfort

We have three cats I am absolutely crazy about.  When I got sick, I told Darrin that none of the cats were allowed to die any time soon- I just wouldn't be able to handle it.  Several months ago Chloe started licking all the fur off her belly.  I noticed and was worried, so Darrin got her an appointment with the vet.  I took her in and he checked her over really thoroughly since she was sitting still and being so good.  Chloe has been my cat since she left her mother at 8 weeks.  We've been together for 14 years.  She is my special girl and we are very attached.  She loves to cuddle.  Finally, the vet finishes up examining her and says, "She seems to be in great physical shape.  Has there been any trauma in your home lately?"  I replied, "Well, I have breast cancer and have been going through lots of really hard treatment."  He said, "That's it!  Your cat is anxious and depressed because you've been sick!"   I could hardly believe it.  I felt so bad that my sweet cat was so worried about her mama.  You non pet people can laugh, but there is a special bond between animals and their people.

This morning (OK, close to noon!), I was gently awakened when another cat, Magnolia gently ran her paw across my face to let me know she was there.  Mags and Chloe are sisters, though I haven't had Mags quite as long as Chloe.  The girls have brought me so much comfort over the last year.  They seem able to intuit how I am feeling and they come to cuddle all the time- sometimes right on top of me, sometimes right next to me, but always close enough so I know they are there to provide comfort.

I've already blogged about Sydney, the therapy cat who sat with me when I had a blood transfusion.

These animals and the comfort they provide are just a reflection of God's comfort- a physical manifestation of his love and care for us. He always knows exactly how we feel and is within reach for comfort at all times.  Often, He knows better than we do that we need His comfort. He has given us cats and dogs and other pets to cuddle with to get the physical side of the mental, emotional, and spiritual comfort He provides.

Today is a day I've needed to feel that comfort a lot- I found my lump one year ago on the night before Mother's Day.  Time to find a kitty.

Public Speaking

I've wondered some if the Lord would use my cancer to bring about public speaking opportunities.  I am one of those weird people who really enjoy speaking to large groups of people.  Earlier this week I got a phone call from the social worker at the Cancer Center, wondering if I would speak to the donors at the annual foundation dinner in June.  I was absolutely thrilled!  I'm meeting with the coordinator next week to go over requirements and such.  I really can't wait to sing the praises of the people at the Cancer Center.  They are so amazing.  I'm really excited to do this speaking- I hope I get more than 2 minutes!

Today in chapel I got to talk to all the secondary kids about the last year.  It went well, I think.  I opened up for questions at the end, and they asked some really good ones.  One of the girls didn't know what a mastectomy was, so I explained.  Then an adorable little 6th grade boy who heard the word wrong, asked me how long my breastectomy took.  :)  OH, did I laugh.  Not at him- I didn't mean to embarrass him, but it was just so cute. He apologized several different times throughout the rest of the day.  :)  He was really embarrassed.  But I think it was good- kids were getting questions answered that they were afraid to ask but really wanted to know.

I had another young man come up to apologize to me.  He had given me some trouble earlier in the year, and he apologized for causing trouble while I was dealing with cancer.  It was very touching.

So, maybe these couple of speaking engagements will lead to some more.  I would love to talk to Bible studies, women's retreats,  lunches and teas- any opportunity to be able to talk about my journey and the incredible goodness of God through it all.  I am still overwhelmed by His goodness and blessing.  If you are looking for someone to speak at an event. . . . :)

Giving gifts

5 years ago, just a few months after we got married,  we decided my husband would quit his job and become a professional storyteller.  It was the best decision we ever made.  Of course, when he left his job he left his income, so while he was starting out, we were living pretty much on what I make as a private school teacher (not much!) ;)  We were so thankful we had taken Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University before we got married.  We had no debt but the house and we knew how to budget.

One of the things we chose to do was to have Darrin start going back to Biolife to donate plasma.  Donors get $20-$25 each time they donate, and you can go twice a week.  There are also sometimes bonuses and things like that. They gave us a debit card that is loaded each time he donates.  That money is specifically earmarked for gift giving and special family occasions. Last weekend, we took the kids to The Avengers and then to Red Robin for supper.  We used the Biolife card.  I always tease the children that all their gifts and special things are paid for with Dad's blood.  They literally are.  Because he gives his blood (or plasma, which is in your blood) we are able to have and do fun and special things.

That really got me thinking.  There was Another who gave up His blood, not just so we could do fun and special things, but so we could live eternally in paradise with Him.  Of course he didn't just give up his blood, he gave up his life for us.  To enable us to join Him as a child of God, with eternal life and blessings.  As my body betrays me more and more, I just long for the day of Jesus' return. Because He gave His blood, I know that my pain and fear and frustration are only temporary.  I know I win in the end.  We all do, if our faith is in Jesus, the one who gave his blood to give us the very best gift of all- eternal life with Him in Heaven.  AMEN.

Unpredictabiity

OK- so I've learned I should not say I will do anything everyday or make any long term commitments while recovering from cancer.  It wants to be in control, and the minute I try to assert myself, it reminds me who is boss. :)  I had a really hard day on Wednesday, for two reasons, I think.  First, I am developing lymphedema in my right arm.  It is incredibly painful and I hadn't slept well for several days.  I'm going to the lymphedema clinic sometime next week, I hope.  Meanwhile, I am wearing a compression sleeve that very well could become part of my permanent daily wardrobe.  Yippee.

The other thing that actually sent me into panic attacks was attending a breast reconstruction event Tuesday night.  It was supposed to be informative, and it was, but it all the wrong ways.  I think most of us in the room were horrified by his pictures and descriptions of how things are done and what happens if it doesn't go right.  It would have been great for other physicians, but for actual cancer patients, it was too much on top of an already very scary life.  I literally had two panic attacks about it on Wednesday, and I was out of my anxiety med.  We got that refilled in the afternoon, and I started feeling much better.

Sometimes I get going feeling good, and then I crash and burn because I forget that I still have LOTS of healing to do. It's such a slow, frustrating process.  But this time I went 2 whole weeks feeling pretty good!  I feel good again today, so we'll start the clock again and see how long I can go this time.  :)

What I've really been wanting to write about is worthy of its own post, so I think I'll end here and start a new post about my topic. ;)

My kids are growing up!

I actually had another blog post planned for today, but the day completely got away from me.  We had to go tux shopping for Andy because he got asked to prom!  He's going with a really great girl. They did both speech contest and music contest together and are friends.  I'm excited he is going and I think they will have a great time.

This afternoon we went over to a local church in town to help with their Saturday Evening Meal Program (SEMP).  A dear friend of ours has run it for at least 25 years.  We wanted a way to serve the poor in our community, and this is a great opportunity.  We served a really nice meal to about 80 people tonight.  On busy weekends, they serve double that.  Last year when Darrin and I read through the Bible in a year, Darrin noticed how often the Lord talks about the poor.  In both the Old and New Testaments, we are told to look after the poor, the widows, and the orphans.  This has become very important to us.  It was great to see the boys jump right in to helping.  They were calling people sir and ma'am, which I could tell really pleased a lot of them.  It was a mark of respect they probably don't get very often.

Tonight Darrin and I did Shiloh's senior board for Senior Sunday at church tomorrow.  I've been thinking about it for 2 years, but it just got finished about 10 minutes ago. :)  Amazing how that happens, isn't it?

Anyway, I PROMISE that tomorrow I will have a meaningful post.  I'm excited about it and want to give it the time I need to to say everything right. :)  See you tomorrow!

I'm back!

I'm back! I'm going to try talking my blog instead of typing it tonight just for fun to see how it goes. So if there are weird typos I don't catch, or if my blog doesn't sound the way it always sounds it's because I'm talking it rather than writing it. After several months of absence it's time to get back to the blog and talk about my experiences. I'm committing to blog every day in the month of May so I can cover all of the topics and everything I want to talk about. It's been a tough several months but God has been very, very kind to us and has taught me and Darrin and our boys an awful lot. I'm finally starting to feel better for real and back to my normal self.

Today's entry is going to be short, because it was track and field day at school. We had a great day and the weather was practically perfect. After school we took a bunch of boys to go see The Avengers. It was a really great movie and we had a great time. Luke went to spend the night with a friend so we took Shiloh and Andy out to dinner and just got home a little while ago. So check back tomorrow for a longer entry and the start of the retelling of my journey of the last few months. Have a great night!