No, it is not June 6th, the Day of Days. It is diagnosis day. At 3:07 pm, exactly one year ago, I got the call that I have 'a little cancer there.' Initially, we all thought I would be completely done with treatment by the end of the summer. Then, .67cm of cancer cells decided to take a trip into a lymph node. That changed everything. We went from 4 chemo treatments to 16, and I got every side effect in the book and 5 hospital stays, one 12 days long. I finally finished chemo on Dec. 4th. As we were getting ready to start radiation, we discovered I am BRCA-1 positive- the gene for breast and ovarian cancer. So, instead of radiation, I had a double mastectomy, and am going through a medical oompherectomy (menopause). I still have one major surgery to finish reconstruction and remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes, and then probably a few little ones to get everything adjusted. I have to wear a compression sleeve for probably the rest of my life to fight lymphedema, swelling caused by the removal of 27 lymph nodes. I currently have an infection that will probably need IV antibiotics to get under control, and I'm having an MRI on Wednesday to see what is wrong with my shoulder.
I'm so tired there are days I can barely function, falling asleep at my desk, sometimes during class. Our family is getting so busy we are rarely all home together and I miss them. Our basement flooded and we have to put in a sump pump, so for the last month we've lost a third of our living space. Shiloh graduates this weekend, and I hope I'll be able to function properly through the day. I think I am fighting depression, as I tend to cry very easily. This is not what I expected D-Day to be. I was hoping it would be a wonderful celebration of being cancer free and winning the war. Instead, I am still right in the thick of it.
HOWEVER- I have won a lot of battles. I am not the same woman I was a year ago. I am more thoughtful(thinking more deeply), I am more compassionate towards others' plights, I am much quicker to pray for people in need, I am generally quieter. I look at the world a little differently and savor it a little more. I have been abundantly blessed, so I want to return those blessings to people around me. Most of all- I have started to be able to let go of control. Time and again I have planned something just to have it all fall apart because I would get sick. I am learning that I have no control over anything. God is the one who orders our days. I used to have to know every detail about everything. Now it isn't that I don't care, but I realize there are other people who can handle things and it doesn't have to be me. This was a very freeing lesson, and I'm sorry it took me so long to learn. In fact, I'm still learning it. But I'm getting a lot better. :)
Now I am so overcome with fatigue I am falling asleep typing, so I will close, and continue to count down to 3:07 pm, the moment that changed my world.
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