Third round of Taxol

I apologize for not being more consistent with my blogging.  On days I feel good I just want to go and do stuff, and then on days I don't feel good I don't want to do anything. :)

Taxol round three went ok.  I just needed some extra fluids, so no blood transfusion this time around.  That was nice.  I actually made it back to school to teach my last two classes.  We did add more drugs to try to deal with the neuropathy and to get the nausea under control.  This Sunday has been much better than the last two, though I did mostly sleep through church and Sunday school.  (Sorry Joel and Chuck!) ;)  However, the drugs we added, actually just upped the doses of, cause muscle wasting.  So now I have this regimen of exercises to do all the time so I don't lose all the muscle in my legs.  I've already noticed it some going up and down stairs.  If you ever need motivation to exercise, being told your muscles will waste away is a good one.

This whole weakening, exhaustion thing is so hard for me.  I used to be so strong and full of energy.  Now I can sometimes barely open a jar because my hands are numb or painful.  I feel like I'm 85.  There are so many things I want to be doing, but I just can't.  Darrin keeps telling me to just readjust my expectations.  That is really hard for me, though.  I want to be with people and do activities and not miss out on my fall like I missed out on summer.  We did go to the apple orchard yesterday, which was fun.  We picked a few apples and ate apple cider doughnuts and had an apple slushie.  It wiped me out completely, but it was worth it.  It was such a beautiful day.

I'm also really, really struggling with being bald.  It didn't bother me too much at first, but now I can't even look at myself in the mirror without a hat on.  I feel like a big alien egg head.  Darrin says he is going to decorate me for Easter. :)  I don't know why now it is bothering me so much.  Maybe it's seeing everyone at school with their hair and braids and ribbons and even just watching people run their hands through their hair.  It's amazing what we take for granted until it is gone.  I've lost my eyebrows now and most of my eyelashes.  It's just another physical reminder of this massive battle going on inside my body.

This morning we sang at church that God is good all the time.  I know that is absolutely true. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in the midst of all the pain and exhaustion.  I hope He is using this blog for good and it is encouraging you who are reading.  I have never questioned God's decision to give me this cancer, though I would be happy to give it back!  I hope it is helping people understand what it really means to go through cancer treatment.  I never had any idea before.  I knew people did chemo and radiation, but I had no idea what those things meant and how they actually affected people.  Of course, my experience is not typical, and most people's experiences are much less harsh.  I just cling to the fact that God is already there, he is walking with me every step and has a perfect plan.  :)