So much. . .

So much has happened over the last few days. I stayed in the hospital until around lunch time on Sunday.  Because of that, Darrin and I missed our family camping trip with the Crow clan.  We'd been planning it since March. :(  The boys went up with Darrin's folks and everyone had a great time.  We decided not to go on Monday.  They were camping 4 hours away in Wisconsin and we were afraid that that much time in the car might be bad.  It was bitterly disappointing.  I love Darrin's family and I love to camp.  And I hate disappointing my husband.  He loves to be with his family and I felt that I was keeping him from that.  He was perfect about it, but I know he was bummed.  I couldn't even look at the pictures when they got back- it made me too sad to think we'd missed all the fun.  Stupid cancer. I hate that it takes away time from my family.  And even though the boys got to go and had a great time, we didn't get to have a great time together. That bums me out.  Though they probably didn't mind TOO much- Grandpa Crow let them eat all the donuts they wanted. :)

I felt absolutely great on Monday and mostly great today.  It has been wonderful to be back to almost normal.  Tomorrow I see the exercise guy and the nutritionist, so those appointments should be productive and helpful.  Thursday we start all over, hopefully with a new, modified regimen that will keep me healthier in between.  The side effects are so frustrating.  I'm taking more medicine for side effects than for my regular illnesses.  And some of them have scary side effects, so now we're talking about side effects of side effects.  It's a crazy spiral.

I know I mentioned it in my last post, but my Dr. thinks I'm exceptional.  Not in a good way,though.  Apparently very few people have this much trouble with this chemo regimen, even though it has a reputation of being nasty.  Trust me to stay ahead of the curve! :)  I have a lot of faith in my team, though, and I know they are doing absolutely everything to help me out.  They are such caring, compassionate people.  Trying new drugs and rubbing my back even as I'm retching into a bowl.  Several of them stayed late on Friday at PCI to make sure I was stable enough to head over to St. Luke's.  They are a fabulous team and I'm so thankful for them all.

Of course, all my difficulties pale this weekend at the loss of Jenny Groothuis, a parent of 15 kids, 11 of whom attend Cedar Valley.  She died on Sunday.  I cannot even pretend to understand God's will or plan in all this.  She was a wonderful woman who loved God and her family so much.  Then Cedar Rapids also got pummeled with bad storms the last couple of days.  I was telling a friend that we obviously are still on the wrong side of Heaven.  We know everything will be made right in the end, but it's so hard to see it when there is so much pain right now.  We cling to God's promise that He will work it all to good, but we also know that our definition of good and God's definition are not always the same.  It's nearly impossible to see his plan right now, but I am absolutely confident that he has one and is working it out each day.  I just want God to be glorified, not vilified, through these circumstances.  He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.

Thanks for your prayers and supportive comments and emails the last few days.  I appreciate it all so much!  God bless all of you for your support and care.