Thoughts on Ringing the Bell

Ringing that bell yesterday was the culmination of the worst 6 months of my life.  Don't misunderstand- there have been good days and many, many, many blessings.  But there were a lot more bad days than good.  I guess I should say there were a lot more hard days than easy days.  My dad always says that every day is a good day- just some are better than others.  With Christ in my life, that is definitely true.

Over the last six months I have missed so much.  Two family vacations- one with the Crows to Jelly stone and one with the Clines to Branson, a trip to Adventureland, most summer days with my kids, all our patio parties, most of the girls' night out events, playing drums with my worship team, so many evenings with my family, the first two weeks of school, being able to build rapport with my students right away, teaching some of my fun activities that are usually a breeze to handle that became impossible to deal with, the ability to really enjoy food, making more of our country meals (we're still on Ireland, I think), biking and hiking and taking long walks, shopping by myself ( I need help to stay focused and to stay balanced), being able to think clearly and converse intelligently, the list could go on and on.

I keep saying to Darrin, usually through tears- "This is just so HARD."  Harder than we ever imagined.  I am so tired all the time.  I literally fall asleep teaching.  I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but part of the purpose of my blog is for me to process through my experiences.  Today I am processing.  I've looked forward so much to ringing that bell, but the reality is that even though they are done pumping poison into my body, I still have 33 treatments where they aim more poison at my body.  The rest of the reality is that it will take 6 months to a year for the chemo side effects to recede.  So ringing the bell was great, but it hasn't left me feeling elated.

The reality is, it has left me scared, sad, and lonely. I'm scared that with all the delays and lowered dosages, the chemo won't have been effective and the cancer will recur.  That terrifies me.  I don't know if I could do this all again.  I'm sad because I have come to really love the chemo girls and I will genuinely miss chatting and joking with them.  Oh, yes- my gift to them was a big Edible Arrangement- lots of yummy fruit and chocolate covered fruit cut to look like flowers.  :)  I'm also sad to be losing all the extra time with my husband during chemo treatments.  I have to do radiation alone, for obvious reasons. I'm lonely because I feel like everyone thinks I should be so happy to have rung that bell, and while that is true, it is so much more complicated than that.

Today is not one of my triumphant days.  Today I am slogging through the trenches with a sick husband and feelings of being completely overwhelmed by life and cancer.  I am trusting the LORD that He is slogging alongside me and understands how I feel. I know he is making me stronger through all this, even though I feel so weak today.

Almost There!!!

Poor Darrin doesn't seem to be getting any better.  The melodramatic, worrying part of me keeps thinking, "What if he has some horrible disease now?"  The rational, trusting the Lord part of me knows that is silly.  But it's hard not to worry sometimes.

This afternoon PCI called to tell me that Sylvia had a family emergency today and will not be in tomorrow.  I'll see Nicole instead.  I'm pretty heartbroken that she won't be there when I ring the bell.  Sylvia is really the one who has gotten me through all this.  My parents probably won't be there, either.  We've changed the date so many times and they have classes scheduled in Iowa City.  They have also been such incredible supporters.  That doesn't even begin to cover it.  Mom and Dad have been absolutely amazing.  I can't even express my gratitude to them and to the Lord for blessing me with them.  It is amazing to look at the circle of people God provided for me to be able to get through this.  I know I'm not even close to done, but tomorrow is a pretty big step forward!!

Now I'd better go take care of my poor dear spouse. :)  GO TEAM ROBIN!!!!

Almost There

My poor, dear husband is sick.  He has some sort of bacterial infection.  I'm afraid he just got run down over the last couple of weeks trying to take care of me and get ready for Thanksgiving and such.  I'm sad that he is sick, but I am also glad that I get an opportunity to take care of him for a while.  He has been such a rock over these last 6 months.  I may be the one with the physical illness, but we are both fighting this cancer together.  I can't beat it without him.  Maybe I could physically, but mentally and emotionally I could never do it without him.  We are a perfect team and I'm so thankful for him everyday.

Two days left until final chemo!!  I ordered a fun gift for the chemo girls last night.  I wanted to do something a little different than just cookies or cupcakes.  I hope they like it.  I'll tell you all about it after Thursday.

It's a good thing we're almost done.  We pulled back on the Cymbalta so I could stop crying (didn't really work), but it was very much holding the neuropathy at bay.  The lower dose has been awful.  I can't feel anything in my feet or hands.  Typing this is an exercise in frustration management.  Lord willing, the effects will start to lessen in the next month or so.

Today Jeff read Psalm 150 in our meeting and for announcements.  It's one of my favorites.  Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!!!

Not so bad at Math!!

When we went in on Wednesday for chemo, Sylvia checked 6 different times and concluded that they had scheduled me wrong and I actually only have one more chemo, not two!!!  I'm done on Thursday, Dec. 4th, Lord willing!! Then, two weeks after that, on the 18th, I meet again with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Merfeld.  That same day I'll see Dr. Buntinas for labs and a two week check up.

This week I also have a massage scheduled and I'm meeting with the Cancer Center social worker to start talking about life after cancer and coping strategies.  It will be a busy week of appointments.  As eager as I am to be done with chemo, I'm also nervous about it.  While I'm doing treatment, I'm actively fighting the disease.  Once the fight is over, will Agatha come back?  Will treatment have been effective with all the delays and holds?  I know I am going to have to learn to trust and rest in God's plan more than ever.  I think it could be easy to live in a state of fear and worry, and I absolutely do not want to do that.  I also know some of the side effects will take months or even years to go away.  Some of the effects might never go away completely.  Some side effects might not even show up for years.  I have learned that you are never really done with cancer.  For the rest of my life I will have to monitor for it and protect myself as much as possible.

My genetic testing should be back in the next week or so.  I'm really interested to see what it will say.
Thanksgiving yesterday was truly wonderful.  The food was good, but the conversation was absolutely amazing.  It started when I asked everyone to share something they were thankful for, but they couldn't just say family.  It was hard for me to come up with just one thing- I'm so thankful for so many things everyday.  When one is faced with one's own mortality, perhaps it becomes easier to recognize blessings.  The person who really blew me away, though, was my dad.  He talked about his faith and his walk with the Lord in a way I'd never heard before and it was so encouraging.  I've always considered my dad a man of great faith and he has always modeled a life of study and prayer.  Yesterday I got to hear him talk about that moment when his faith became truly real and he fully realized his need for the Lord.  I feel like I know my dad so much better now.  It was such a blessed conversation that meant so much to me.  The legacy of faith that parents pass to their children is so important. I hope we can do as good a job with our children as our parents have done with us.

I find myself craving these deep conversations.  I want to know people.  I want to know what is on their hearts- how they are relating to and thinking about God.  I want to talk about what I've learned and hopefully encourage others to look for what God wants to teach them.  I'm realizing how precious and sometimes short life can be, and I don't want to waste it.  I want to fill it with whatever God has planned, and I want to help others have the courage and desire to do the same.  I feel like I am finally coming up out of my pit of emptiness and am starting to be able to look toward filling others again.   I still have a lot of weepy days and I still struggle a lot with feeling good and staying awake, but spiritually my tank is filling back up.  That, I am sure, is thanks to all of you praying for me so consistently.  Thank you.  As we go through these 3 weeks or so between Thanksgiving and Christmas, remember to keep the focus on the Lord and on your family.  Forget the 'perfect' holiday experience, and go for the one that glorifies the Lord and creates fun memories for your family.  God bless you all! ;)

Catharsis

Saturday was both a really great day and a really hard day.  In the morning a bunch of the teachers went to Amana for breakfast and some shopping. It was really fun.  We are trying to spend more time together this year.  We have our regular staff meetings, and we've added a Wednesday morning prayer time for the whole staff where we focus just on praying for the teachers, students, school board and church staff.  The women are also trying to get together once a month for something fun.  We all work together everyday, but it is easy to be completely isolated and never talk to anyone but our students.  We're trying to build more solid relationships.  So we went to Amana.  It was a blast.  The breakfast at The Colony Inn is absolutely amazing.  The Lord was very good to me and I was able to taste and enjoy everything.  It was also fun to buy a few little stocking stuffers.

Saturday night we got to go to a magic show at CV that was SO MUCH FUN.  There was a bunny- what could be better than that?? :)  All the proceeds go toward our friends' adoption process.  There were tons of people there, so I hope they did really well.

Those were the great parts of Saturday.  The hard part was Saturday afternoon.  The boys were gone, and Darrin and I ended up on the couch just weeping together.  Being the caregiver is in many ways just as difficult as being the patient.  He's just been so worried about me and he has been feeling isolated and alone.  He loves to be around people, and that has been hard for us lately.  He did go out Monday night with a good friend, and I think that encouraged him a lot.  He is home by himself a lot, and it is easy to get sucked into fear and doubt and worry.  Please pray for him as much as you pray for me.  He is such a godly man and such an excellent caregiver.  This has been a much longer and rockier road than either of us anticipated.  It was good for us to sit and cry together and acknowledge how hard this is.  We prayed together and talked a lot and it was really good catharsis for both of us.  We are hoping to maybe get away together for a day or two sometime in the next month.  We think it would be really good to get away and forget about cancer for a few days and plan for the future.  It will be a different future than we thought, but that doesn't mean it can't be a really good, full, adventurous future.  And we know it will be the future God has planned for us, so how can it possibly be bad? :)

I'm really looking forward to this break for Thanksgiving.  We're hosting my parents on Thursday, so it will be pretty low key and low stress.  On Saturday, the Crow clan is coming over for soup and such, so another low key event, albeit with a lot more people! :)  It is a tremendous blessing to have awesome families on both sides.

As we enter this season of Thanksgiving and Christmas, remember the One to whom we owe all thanks.  Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father - even the gifts we think we want to return, like cancer.  There is something to learn and gain in every situation, good or bad.  We need to praise Him in the good times and in the bad times.  My prayer for all of you is that Thanksgiving will be a wonderful, blessed time with your families and friends. Enjoy every minute of it!

Bad at Math

I had my treatment yesterday.  Sylvia decided that my nausea was probably related to my meds.  She thinks the combination of the Ritalin and the Cymbalta are the culprits.  We're backing off on the Ritalin.  The Cymbalta is helpful for the neuropathy, and the Ritalin is just to help me stay awake.  We decided I would rather be tired than throwing up.  I can push through the fatigue, but I can't work if I'm vomiting. :)  Hopefully that will help.  I'm still having lots of anxiety, though.  I cry a lot for absolutely no reason.  My poor husband does such a good job providing comfort.

When we were done with treatment, I asked for my schedule for the next two weeks so we could plan my end of chemo party.  It turned out that we were bad at math and I still have 3 more treatments.  I won't be done until Dec. 11th.  Sigh.  Someday we'll be done!!  The end is at least in sight.

Still not well

Just a quick update tonight.  I went to work, but had to call Darrin at about 8:15 to come get me.  I was really nauseous and anxious.  He called the clinic and then came to get me.  My amazing coworkers jumped right in to cover for me.

We went to the clinic around 10 and got more fluids and such.  Then I spent the day resting and sleeping.  I'm supposed to have treatment tomorrow morning. I'm anxious to hear what they decide.

I keep hoping I'll learn whatever I'm supposed to learn so this can stop being so hard! :)

Downhill

Well, things went downhill from my last post.  I got really nauseous Wednesday morning.  Fortunately, Darrin came to school to drop some things off and insisted that I go home.  It was good I did- I threw up several times.  I rested all morning and then went back to school for world history and drama.  On Thursday Sylvia decided to delay treatment AGAIN, so no bell ringing the day before Thanksgiving.  I got a couple bags of fluids and some steroids, and then I went back to school to do my final dress rehearsal for the show.  On Friday I still didn't feel good, so after 2nd hour I went back to the clinic and got 2 more bags of fluids and steroids.  Then I went back to school to finish out the day.  Throughout all this, I couldn't stop crying.  It was just uncontrollable and constant.  It took a huge effort at school to stay calm.  Friday after school I came home and went up to rest for a while.  When it was time to go for call for opening night, I didn't think I could get up. I almost stayed home and let Darrin take care of everything.  He easily could have.  But instead, I asked for the strength to get out of bed, and I did.  I went to the show and everything came together well and the kids did a great job.  I'm very proud of them.  We had to postpone the cast party twice, so all the kids will be coming over this Friday night from 7-10.  I'm looking forward to it.  Coming in to the semester 2 weeks late didn't give me a chance to really get to know some of the new kids  I'm excited to get to hang out with them away from school and build some relationships.

I was looking forward to going to a breast cancer support group tonight.  I went over to Hall-Perrine, but there was no one there, and the schedules on all the conference rooms had other meetings listed.  I'm disappointed.  It is a big deal for me to willingly go meet a bunch of strangers all by myself.  :)  I was hoping to make some connections and hear other stories that would help me feel not so alone in this battle.  When I called Darrin and told him I couldn't find it, he suggested I call a friend and go out for coffee.  I thought about that for awhile, and then decided to come home and blog instead.  I wish I were better about writing everyday- that is my goal.  I really want to have this record of my journey so I can read it someday and see how amazing God is and how clear His hand is throughout the whole thing.  It's hard to see sometimes, but I know he's guiding me every step along this path.

I finally feel like I'm back on top of my teaching.  I'm mostly caught up with grading, and today I finished planning the rest of the ancient China unit for 6th grade.  I was able to put in some fun and simple activities.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with drama for the next 5 weeks. :)

Today is November 18.  I found my lump (Agatha) on May 10th.  That's 6 months.  I still don't believe I have cancer.  Isn't that weird?  I go to treatment every week, I have no hair, I have somewhere around 12 medicine bottles on my dresser, I can barely walk and I am exhausted all the time.  But my brain just can't seem to accept those 3 little words- I have cancer.  It still seems like it is something that happens to other people, usually older people.  I don't think I am in denial- I don't think that is possible! - I just think my brain is still processing- trying to work through all the ramifications and complications and medications ;).

I was supposed to be done with chemo on Oct. 30th, and finishing up radiation right at the end of the year.  Now it will be Dec 4th when I finish chemo (Lord willing!) and who knows when they'll want to start my 33 sessions of radiation.  It all goes to show that the Lord's plans are not our plans, and His are better, even if we can't see why at the time.

One last thing tonight.  We did decide to go ahead with the genetic testing for the BRCA1 gene. Researchers have been able to identify some other genes that could cause cancer, including some in the colon. Because this testing is new, they are including it in my testing for no extra charge.  It takes about three weeks to get the results back. If I do have the BRCA gene, my chance of developing a new breast cancer, not a recurrence of Agatha but a whole new tumor, is 50-60%.  Those aren't good odds no matter how you look at it, so if that happens, we'll have some decisions to make.  They will also be able to tell me if I have the gene for colon cancer.  There isn't much you can do prophylacticly there, but at least we'll know if we have to be extra vigilant.  :)

I think that pretty well covers the last week or so.  Lord willing we'll do treatment number 10 on Thursday! ;)

Empty

Empty.  For the last few weeks, I have just felt empty.  There have been some really fun and good times, like shopping with a dear friend and hanging out with my family playing games and eating popcorn.  But there has been this overwhelming sense of emptiness over all of it.  I feel like I have given all I have, but there is still more that has to be given.  I know the Lord will give me the strength to carry on, and I am secure in His promises to be with me every step.  But this is HARD.  This is SO HARD.  I can hardly put into words how this all feels.  I often feel trapped in my own body- I can't get my hands or feet to move how I want them to. I can barely pass out papers in class or turn the pages of my book at night.  I've fallen several times and have a huge raspberry on my knee that hurts like the dickens.  I have to draw in my eyebrows every morning with hands that can barely hold the eyebrow pencil.  I can only wear one or two pairs of shoes- all the rest of them fall off or hurt my toes.  I am alternately burning hot and freezing cold.  I often can't remember my husband's name or what I have done all day.  I go days with no appetite and then I want to eat everything in sight.  I cry, no, weep, with no reason and with no warning.  I'm so tired I have actually fallen asleep teaching.  This is HARD.

I only have 3 chemo treatments left.  I'm going to ring that bell the day before Thanksgiving.  Then it's on to 6 and half weeks of radiation.  And then up to a year to recover.  A year.  I just want to be myself again.  Though I think my old self is gone.  I think I will come through this with a new self.  Hopefully a better self.  I want to be more patient. more compassionate, more observant of the people and things around me.  I want to be more appreciative. I want to spend more time doing things I love rather than things I feel I should do.  I know I am already hungrier for God's Word.  I crave His comfort and peace.

I also crave your prayers and support.  Thank you for loving me.  I know I'll get through this, but only with the Lord's help.  I hope you don't mind me being 'real' in this post.  I just want people to know what cancer is like.  It definitely ain't no picnic. :)   But, as I've said before, I wouldn't trade it.

And now it's nap time. :)

A very late update and 2 very special surprises

Typing is becoming almost an impossibility.  It is almost like I'm typing in tongues- I think I'm typing in English, but when I look at my screen, it is just gibberish.  (I know that's not right theologically- I'm just being funny). :)  It is no end of frustrating.  That is why I haven't written much lately.  But I have some important updates, so I'm pushing through it.

First- I did have chemo last week and this week.  We talked with Dr. Buntinas for an hour today.  She is really great.  A lot of questions got asked and answered.  First, she is not sure how long they will continue to do the chemo.  There might be a point of diminishing returns where the side effects are worse than the benefits of the chemo.  OF course, not finishing the chemo increases my chances of recurrence.  Not a happy thought.  She also said that even after chemo is done, it will take 6 months to a year to wean off all the meds and deal with late side effects.  That was really disheartening, but good to know.  I'd started wondering what was going to happen when I'm done.

The stronger pain patch I got last week is amazing.  I'm allergic to the adhesive, so it leaves red marks, but it's worth it for the pain relief.  The neuropathy is no better, though.  I've fallen down the stairs once and managed to catch myself 2 other times.  I'm really unsteady on my feet, which makes me nervous walking and driving.  I can't always feel the pedals.

The fatigue has hit me like a ton of bricks.  It is hard to stay awake sometime while I am standing in front of my class actively teaching.  That can be awkward! :)  We're tweaking the ritalin to see if that helps.

Now- on to my two special surprises.  A dear friend of mine lives in Vancouver, and I haven't seen her (other than on Skype) for almost a year.  Her grandpa passed away, so she flew here for the funeral, and she got to go to chemo with me today!  It was such a blessing, though I'm sad her grandpa died.  It was funny at chemo, it makes me so tired, but I so wanted to talk.  I actually fell asleep talking a couple of times and said really silly things! :)  I'm sure I won't be hearing about it for years. ;)

My second special surprise today happened at the school choir concert.  The junior higher prepared "Already There" and sang it tonight.  They did an amazing job practicing and keeping it a secret!!  I cried, of course.  I hope it was encouraging to everyone- it's such a great song.  If you want to hear Casting Crowns' version, it is the second post on my blog. :)

Thank you for continuing to stick with me!  I'll try to keep updating a little more regularly. :)

Pain Relief!

Sylvia prescribed me a pain patch on Thursday, and it has started working!!  It doesn't help the neuropathy at all, but it has sure taken a bite out of the pain.  I'm so thankful.  I can actually function again!  Today Darrin and I got to help with a surprise birthday party for a dear friend of ours, and I made it all the way through with very little pain.  It was really great.  I did come home and sleep for several hours, though.:)

Tomorrow we are going leaf looking.  One of my very favorite fall activities.  We're going to head over  through Maquoketa and to Sebula and up the River Road.  It should be beautiful.  Most of the Crow clan is coming along, so it should be a fun family day.

Darrin is performing tonight at Granger House in Marion.  I was going to go along, but I am really tired.  I thought I would fall asleep in the middle.  I"m sure he'll be amazing, and I'll get to hear him next week when he does it again.

Well, Luke is hovering around wanting to work on some movie making, so I'll end for tonight. :)

I've lost my voice

It's funny, I've been thinking about this post for a few days, and then I physically lost my voice.    I was so frustrated because I wanted to talk to Darrin about it, but I physically couldn't.  It was a nice illustration of how I'm feeling mid-treatment.

I'm reminded daily how much love and support are all around me, and I am so very thankful for all of it.  But I'm finding that breast cancer is a very lonely journey.  Especially for me, I think.  I've read books, online forums, talked to other survivors, and it just makes me feel more isolated.  My experience is so atypical.  All the forums talk about how easy the Taxol is compared to the A/C.  If they have trouble with it, it's things like losing toenails, not severe neuropathy.  Sylvia told us that 1 in 50 of their patients have this much trouble.  Being that one makes connecting with others much harder.

As I read all these books and forums, so many people talk about their wonderful goals.  They are starting businesses, volunteering, saving pets, taking their dream trips, writing a novel.  I feel so adrift.  I don't currently have any goals, other than getting through each day of teaching and being as present as possible with my family.  I know some of you will say that is enough for now, and I know it is.  But I want to have goals for my life.  How can God use me if I am just adrift, going through the motions, as the popular song says? I love my job and have no intention of leaving it- I just need personal goals.  Darrin has offered to go away for a weekend between chemo and radiation to have a planning and goal setting retreat.  I love that idea.  I've watched him create a really successful business and become so focused and confident over the last few years.  He's a great goal setter. Together I think we'll come up with some good ideas.

Mid-chemo is really hard.  The initial shock and flurry of activity, visits, cards, etc has ended.  Now it's just slogging through the tough stuff.  And it keep getting cumulatively tougher.  We've been (necessarily) isolated from friends and even family sometimes.  It's hard to see people when I'm asleep.  It's hard to do activities when I can barely walk and am in so much pain I can barely function.  My poor husband is such an extrovert.  It's harder on him than on me, I think.  Though we both love having people over and building relationships.

It's harder to blog, too.  Sometimes because I just want to sleep, sometimes because one of the boys is on the computer when I happen to be awake, sometimes because it's just too much effort to type.  This entry is taking forever- I keep hitting wrong keys and having to correct.  That never used to happen.  Not being able to blog as much feels like I am losing my voice.

Sorry for such a downer post.  I thought it was important for people to know what mid-chemo is like. One purpose of the blog is to help people understand what going through cancer is like (though most people will have an easier time).  Another purpose is to help me process my thoughts and emotions.  The third purpose is so I don't have to repeat myself or tell stories over and over. :)  I'm not looking for pity with this post- I just want people to understand where I am right now.  Thanks for hanging with me!!

No treatment again :(

We held treatment number 6 yesterday.  Sylvia said I made her uncomfortable.  :)  I've been in too much pain and the neuropathy is increasing too quickly.  They discovered yesterday that one of my arthritis drugs interacts with the Taxol and intensifies its effects.  This is good for fighting breast cancer, but bad for side effects.  We're stopping that drug to see if it helps.  I also got a narcotic pain patch that is "only for people who need opiate pain relief 24 hours a day."  That would be me.  ;)  I think it is starting to kick in.  I know I'm really tired, which they told me would happen.  But the tiredness should lessen as my body adjusts to the medicine.   I praying that once we get the pain under control, everything else will get better, too.

I'm frustrated that we had to hold treatment again.  I know it was the right decision, but now I won't be done until the week of Thanksgiving.  I'll  have a lot to be thankful for!!!  It's a full month later than it was supposed to be.

On Tuesday night the junior high volleyball team had a pink out for their game.  They invited me specially to be there.   They had information for people about breast cancer, they decorated the gym with pink balloons and signs, and they gave me a beautiful pink rose.  It was so neat and so much fun.  They played really well, too, and won their matches.  I was really honored and humbled.  I was talking to a friend and commented that I loved that they did this, but I also hated it.  I hated that they have someone in their lives with cancer, even if it is just a teacher, not a family member.  But it affects everyone around me.  It is wonderful to see how they respond and how loving and caring they are.

I am so thankful for such wonderful support, even as the journey gets longer and longer.

I Did It!!!

Yesterday was the Especially for You breast cancer walk.  We took a wheelchair along because I was pretty sure I couldn't walk 5k.  But I DID!!  I really think it was the Lord giving me the strength and endurance to do it.  I was having trouble with the idea that I couldn't walk 3.2 miles.  Darrin and I used to take long walks all the time.  It was such a feeling of accomplishment to cross that finish line on my own two feet!!  Of course, I went home and slept for the entire rest of the day.  And I'm paying for it today.  But it was SO worth it.  You can check out pictures on my facebook page.  One friend made me a pink yarn wig that I wore.  :)  It's really funny.

Tomorrow the volleyball games are a pink out in my honor.  I'm going to wear the wig, I think.  Probably not all day, though.  That might be a little distracting.  I"m just feeling so honored and humbled by all the support.  The cheerleaders even came out for the walk and cheered all morning- even though they had been up late with Homecoming the night before.

The victory of walking the whole way was even sweeter because the last few days have been really hard.  Thursday night after my treatment I had a horrible pain attack.  I just laid in bed and sobbed.  I took the maximum dose of everything I could, and it didn't touch the pain,  Darrin texted our emergency prayer team, and then he prayed over me and read me stories.  The combination of lots of prayer and his very soothing voice finally lulled me to sleep.

I also have had no appetite at all since Friday.  Nothing sounds or tastes very good.  It's frustrating, because I know I need to eat.  Some of my meds have changed, and I can't take one of my anti-nausea drugs anymore because it reacts with the Cymbalta.  I didn't realize how much the reglan helped until I couldn't take it anymore.  I've been fighting nausea the last few days.  I thought we had eliminated that problem, but apparently not.

It was Homecoming this past weekend at Cedar Valley.  Andy went to the dance with a friend.  Actually, most of the sophomore class just went together as a big group.  I love that.  Cedar Valley does not have a dating culture.  The kids mostly just hang out with each other.  They all looked great and I think they had a good time.  We took the required photos in front of the fire place. :)

I'll end with a really funny story.  A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and needed a tissue.  I was sleeping on my stomach, and I always reach for tissues with my right hand.  I reached out, felt the slats on our headboard, and finally found the 'tissues'.  I pulled once, but the 'tissue' didn't come out.  I pulled again and then realized I was pulling Darrin's hair!! :)  I said, "Wrong way!" turned over, and grabbed an actual tissue.  In the morning I asked if he felt me pull his hair, and we laughed and laughed.  It still makes me chuckle.  It's good to find humor wherever we can!

All good things must come to an end

My fabulous weekend turned into a not so fabulous week.  My feet and ankles got really swollen on Sunday night, and today I couldn't get my rings on my fingers.  The swelling in my feet and ankles is pretty painful.

I've also started having "pain attacks".  That's what I'm calling them.  On Monday night I woke up in horrible pain.  I had already taken my pain medication, so there was nothing I could do.  It lasted about 15 minutes and then I fell asleep.  Then on Tuesday I had the same thing happen in the middle of world history class.  It was all I could do to get through the period.

Tuesday morning I was talking to Jeff (My boss)  about some theatre stuff.  At the end of the conversation he asked how I was doing, and reiterated that I was free to not be there if I didn't feel good.   He said he knew I would rather be dead than not at school, and he was giving me permission to take time to take care of myself.  I really think God prompted him to tell me that.  After world history I went down to the office and asked to leave.  I went to my parents' house and took a long bath with epsom salts.  It didn't really help anything, but it felt very good and was relaxing.

I'm frustrated.  You would think that as I get further away from treatment, I would be feeling better and better, not worse and worse.  I started dropping things today.  I dropped my cereal bowl this morning.  It's just hard to feel things.  I've started walking like a 90 year old.  The chemo girls all have buttons that say "Cancer Sucks".  I don't really like the work 'sucks', but it is really true.  I keep telling Darrin that it is all just stupid.  The side effects are just stupid.

I led the staff prayer time this morning.  We get together every Wednesday, and one person shares a brief thought and then we pray specifically for the school- the students, teachers, administration, school board and elders. I shared from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  That's the passage about strength and weakness.   I have sure felt weak over the past several months.  The only way I've gotten this far is through His strength.

Yesterday, the devotion in my book talked about how He is already there, at the end of our circumstances.  It was such a great reinforcement.  Encouragement keeps coming at exactly the right time.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Women, be sure to do your exams!  Husbands, encourage your wives to do their exams. I found my lump because I was familiar with what it was supposed to feel like.  Early detection is key.

Happy October!  Take time to enjoy the beauty that is fall in Iowa!

A Fabulous Weekend

I had an amazing weekend.  I felt so good.  Other than my hands and feet, of course. :)  On Friday night Darrin and I went to Taj Mahal for wonderful Indian food.  Then we went to TCR to see Into the Woods, one of my favorite musicals.  It was fantastic.  Absolutely thrilling.  I loved it so much.  AND- I forgot, just for a little while, that I have cancer.  It was amazing.

On Saturday, Darrin did shadow puppets at the Lincoln Highway Arts Festival.  I joined him for part of the day.  It was beautiful out and I love watching him tell stories and interact with kids.  On Sunday, we went over to my parents to celebrate their birthdays.  Then I came home and cooked!  I made Darrin his favorite peanut butter rice krispie treats, baked oatmeal, and a couple of dishes to take to school for the 6th graders- they are studying ancient Israel and we were up to Passover.

It's wonderful to finally feel like me again.  I haven't felt like me since June.  The Ritalin is a gift from God.  I can finally function again.  The neuropathy isn't getting any better, though.  And now my feet and ankles are really swollen and painful.  I'm trying ice and elevation to see if that helps.  If not, I'll call the Dr. to make sure it's not anything serious.

My ability to recall words is getting worse and worse.  Today I couldn't come up with Cleopatra in world history.  There were actually several times in that class I had trouble saying what I wanted to.  And I'm saying the wrong word with more regularity.  Yesterday I told Darrin we needed to buy more tomato notes.  (Thank you notes).  Today I asked Luke to put something in the purple (papasan).  I said that one twice before I got it right.  I guess I just needed to say the word purple! :)  I seem to get the first letter correct, but then it becomes a different word.  I have the right word in my head, but the wrong one comes out.  It is actually quite funny.  Losing my words, not so much.  That's just frustrating.

I'm hoping for another couple days of feeling good before my treatment on Thursday.  I hope they'll be able to continue with everything.  Poor Sylvia.  She told us she thinks about me all the time- trying to figure out ways to get me through this.  She's been so amazing.

I'm looking forward to the run/walk on Sunday!!  GO TEAM ROBIN!

No chemo today

When we went in to see Sylvia today, she decided that my neuropathy is bad enough to delay treatment.  She is hoping that taking a week off will let it recede a little bit.  She was not sure if we will just skip this dose or if they will tack it on to the end of the regimen.  She also put me on Ritalin!  In adults, it does exactly the opposite as it does in kids.  It calms kids down, but hypes up adults.  She is trying to get my energy level back up.  All I do is teach and sleep.  I'd like to spend more time interacting with my family.  Though a couple days ago I was awake in the early evening and had an awesome time hanging out with Andy and Luke, just talking and laughing together.  I want more of those times.

Darrin is really good about telling the truth about how I feel.  I tend to downplay any pain or discomfort.  I think it stems from my desire to not inconvenience people.  Silly, I know.  Anyway- he does a good job of overriding me and telling Sylvia when I am really miserable.  Today, it was a good thing.  My stomach has been bugging me.  I thought it felt like a pulled muscle, or a band around my waist.  Apparently, that can be a sign of gall bladder issues.  I'm the perfect candidate for that- pushing 40 (I can't believe I just said that!), female, and "carrying a little extra weight" as Sylvia put it.  Darrin and I laughed and laughed at the prospect of yet another problem.  We're going to keep an eye on it and see what happens.  It could also be pain radiating from my back, which has been sore lately.  I'm praying for that option.

It is really wonderful to have a life partner who is such a wonderful care giver.  He is truly a blessing from the Lord every single day.   He is endlessly patient with my frequent bouts of tears, and always seems to know just what to say to comfort me or make me laugh.  It is amazing that we can find so much to laugh about through all this.  He is just so sunny and positive.  He helps me remember that even though this seems like it will never end, there is an end in sight.  I WILL feel better eventually and get my regular life back.  And that regular life will be so much sweeter for having gone through this suffering.

The first five years of our marriage has been full of major events.  Darrin quit his job and became a storyteller, he's been in 2 car accidents that totaled the vehicle he was driving, (one of which got Andy an ambulance ride with a broken collarbone). I've had ear surgery and two foot surgeries, we bought a new house and watched our old one be torn down, we've had to deal with some difficult people, and now we're fighting cancer.  It has certainly been eventful.  It's been great, though, too.  It has drawn us closer together, and closer to the Lord.  I just hope and pray the next five years will be quieter. :)

Worse than the A/C

So I think the Taxol might be worse than the A/C.  It just took me several tries to write that first sentence.  The neuropathy just keeps getting worse.  I can barely feel my fingers and my feet are alternately numb and painful.  I've upped my medication again, but it's not helping much.  Tomorrow is a chemo day, so I hope we'll be able to come up with a plan.  I'm not sure I can handle this for 2 more months.  It's hard to grade or even hand out papers.  My handwriting is getting almost illegible, and it's getting harder and harder to type.  GRRRR.

With the A/C I could have lots of fluids and anti-nausea drugs that helped a lot.  There isn't anything like that for the Taxol.  Just the gabipenten, which slows the progression but doesn't stop or reverse it.  I'm kind of nervous about what Sylvia will say tomorrow.  I obviously need to finish the regimen, but if it keeps proceeding like this, I won't be able to function.  This is just no fun at all.

On top of that, my muscles are getting weaker, even though I'm doing my exercises every day.  I'd really appreciate prayers so we can figure this out and get a good solution.  It's obviously very frustrating, and scary, too.  I feel like I'm 95 years old.

On the other hand, I know God has better things planned for me.  This is a stage I have to go through and there are lessons to be learned.  He knows how bad it is going to get and He has the strength to see me through it.  I've been thinking a lot about how through him, strength is perfected in weakness.  I'm feeling pretty weak, so hopefully the strength is coming!

School at least has been going quite well.  The kids are very understanding of my chemo brain. :)  It's really good to be teaching- it's a good distraction, even when the neuropathy makes it frustrating.  Tomorrow marks my 5th Taxol treatment, so only 7 more to go after that.  The end might actually sort of be coming into view.

The Especially for You race is coming up soon- I'm signed up to walk it, though I'm not sure I'll be able to.  But that's OK- it will be fun to be there.  GO TEAM ROBIN!!

My birthday

Yesterday (the 19th) was my 38th birthday.  It was a very nice day.  Usually I do not make a big deal out of my birthday.  I kind of feel that birthday parties and such are for kids, unless you're hitting an adult milestone.  I also don't like having a lot of attention paid to me, so I usually let my birthday pass quietly- I don't even have it listed on facebook. :)  But this year I realized that I am lucky to be having a birthday.  Actually, we all are, every year.  We have no idea what God has in store for us and we should celebrate every moment that we have.  So I took candy for the kids at school and talked with them about how we should be thankful for the time we have to do the Lord's work on this earth.  I'm starting to look at birthdays as something to praise God for- it's not about celebrating me, it's about celebrating Him and the work He is doing.  That was a pretty cool revelation.

We went out to dinner at Red Robin- everyone's favorite.  Unfortunately, food has started to taste funny again, so I didn't really enjoy it.  It's different from last time when heavier foods and meat usually tasted pretty good.  Now I'm craving fresh stuff- salads and apples and fruit smoothies.  They still don't always taste right, but at least it's healthier.  And I'm totally over ice cream, which is a great disappointment to my husband.  :)

The neuropathy is getting steadily worse, especially in my feet.  The best way to describe it is how your feet feel after walking several miles in uncomfortable shoes.  Or maybe even heels. ;)  We didn't increase any medications this week, but I think we'll have to next week.  Those meds just make me really tired, so school will probably get a little harder.  I'd appreciate prayers for wakefulness during the school day.

We enjoyed the last farmer's market of the summer this morning.  We bought some mulling spices to go in apple cider.  Then this afternoon we bought a huge pumpkin at Aldi and a gorgeous mum at Sam's.   It's starting to feel like fall and I LOVE it!  We picked the three apples off our apple tree today- they were quite yummy.  In a couple years hopefully we'll be able to have enough apples to make our own cider.  That would be awesome.

Here's to a wonderful fall season, even in the midst of this stupid thing called cancer. :)

Taxol round 4

Today was pretty uneventful, as far as chemo goes.  I needed extra fluids, which I think is just becoming standard with me.  I also need to get some Vitamin B6, so I can add to my 28-30 pills I take each day. ;)  

Sylvia is also ordering a thyroid test to make sure my fatigue is really all cancer related and not something else.   She is very thorough.

Today I didn't get in my second gabipentin pill until after 5, and I am really paying for it.  It's the drug that helps with the tingling and pain.  I'm actually hurting quite a bit, so I thought blogging would help get my mind off it, but it's turning out to be kind of hard to type.  So this might be a short entry! ;)

I've been falling asleep every day at school, sometimes while I have kids!  (Only if they are working quietly or watching a film- I haven't yet fallen asleep while actively teaching!)  I'm also really starting to feel the chemobrain.   I stared at Tyler Glenski (whom I've known forever) for a full 10 seconds before I could get his name today.  He was very gracious about it. ;) It's really frustrating.  I love to have conversations about current events and local happenings, and it's getting harder and harder to express myself well.  Maybe it's just God humbling me about my vocabulary. ;)

We have a beautiful Mexican sunflower growing outside our backdoor.  It has become a beacon for butterflies.  We've had several different kinds over the last few weeks, but now the monarchs are here.  They are so amazing.  How can these fragile, little winged creatures fly all that way?  It reminds me that God takes care of the least of His creatures, and He will certainly take care of all of us.  The butterflies also remind me to look for beauty in small things, not just big things.  A butterfly might be one of the most beautiful things on the planet, and it is tiny and delicate.  Of course, mountains are incredibly beautiful, too, and they are huge and solid.  There is some lesson in there, I'm sure. :)  But it's time for me to take some pain medication.  :)  To those who read this tonight, have a great evening!

Thank you

So many people have blessed us in so many ways.  I started out being really good about writing down each person and what they did.  As I got more exhausted, and then was in the hospital, I really lost track of everything, which really bothers me.  If you have blessed us with cards, gifts, flowers, or meals, THANK YOU SO MUCH.  We are really, truly grateful for everything.  It is so encouraging to get a card in the mail, and the meals have been amazing.  The support we feel is so humbling.  Thank you for loving us, and please forgive me for not sending individual notes to everyone.  I would if I could remember!!  Chemo brain is so annoying.  We love you all so much, and pray blessings on all of you who have blessed us so abundantly!

Third round of Taxol

I apologize for not being more consistent with my blogging.  On days I feel good I just want to go and do stuff, and then on days I don't feel good I don't want to do anything. :)

Taxol round three went ok.  I just needed some extra fluids, so no blood transfusion this time around.  That was nice.  I actually made it back to school to teach my last two classes.  We did add more drugs to try to deal with the neuropathy and to get the nausea under control.  This Sunday has been much better than the last two, though I did mostly sleep through church and Sunday school.  (Sorry Joel and Chuck!) ;)  However, the drugs we added, actually just upped the doses of, cause muscle wasting.  So now I have this regimen of exercises to do all the time so I don't lose all the muscle in my legs.  I've already noticed it some going up and down stairs.  If you ever need motivation to exercise, being told your muscles will waste away is a good one.

This whole weakening, exhaustion thing is so hard for me.  I used to be so strong and full of energy.  Now I can sometimes barely open a jar because my hands are numb or painful.  I feel like I'm 85.  There are so many things I want to be doing, but I just can't.  Darrin keeps telling me to just readjust my expectations.  That is really hard for me, though.  I want to be with people and do activities and not miss out on my fall like I missed out on summer.  We did go to the apple orchard yesterday, which was fun.  We picked a few apples and ate apple cider doughnuts and had an apple slushie.  It wiped me out completely, but it was worth it.  It was such a beautiful day.

I'm also really, really struggling with being bald.  It didn't bother me too much at first, but now I can't even look at myself in the mirror without a hat on.  I feel like a big alien egg head.  Darrin says he is going to decorate me for Easter. :)  I don't know why now it is bothering me so much.  Maybe it's seeing everyone at school with their hair and braids and ribbons and even just watching people run their hands through their hair.  It's amazing what we take for granted until it is gone.  I've lost my eyebrows now and most of my eyelashes.  It's just another physical reminder of this massive battle going on inside my body.

This morning we sang at church that God is good all the time.  I know that is absolutely true. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in the midst of all the pain and exhaustion.  I hope He is using this blog for good and it is encouraging you who are reading.  I have never questioned God's decision to give me this cancer, though I would be happy to give it back!  I hope it is helping people understand what it really means to go through cancer treatment.  I never had any idea before.  I knew people did chemo and radiation, but I had no idea what those things meant and how they actually affected people.  Of course, my experience is not typical, and most people's experiences are much less harsh.  I just cling to the fact that God is already there, he is walking with me every step and has a perfect plan.  :)

So much medication, so little sleep

Yesterday Sylvia prescribed two more medications to help with the tingling and pain associated with the taxol.  Today, I got a phone message that my blood work shows I'm still anemic, so now I have to start taking Folic Acid.  I'm also supposed to be taking vitamin C (though I think I'll just drink lots of orange juice).  These are all on top of the 4 anti-nausea drugs and 4 other drugs I regularly take for my colitis and arthritis.  Oh, and my probiotic. I think this makes the count 12 different drugs. That doesn't include the myriad of drugs I get every time I go in for chemo. That just seems crazy to me.  I'm hoping to wean off the anti-nausea stuff over the next few weeks as the A/C side effects continue to lessen.

Several of these drugs are supposed to help me sleep, but they don't seem to be working.  We were up watching tv until 1, trying to get tired.  Then I woke up again at 4.  I'm going to try taking the drugs earlier to see if maybe they just need awhile to kick in.  Needless to say, I was pretty tired today.

It was a pretty good day at school, though I realized that I am feeling very disconnected.  I realize I've only been back for 3 days.  But coming in 2 weeks late meant I just had to dive in to teaching and I didn't get a chance to get to know my kids yet.  Also, I really miss the juniors and seniors I had last year and don't have this year.  I'm sure it will get better the longer I am back, but today I was very sad about it all.  I'm hoping I'll have everyone all caught up by next Friday and then we can relax a little and connect better.

Back in May, I intellectually knew that this would be a long battle.  I had no idea how long and how difficult it would be.  It seems like it will never end.  Being in the trenches, battling everyday with some new or worsening side effect is really wearing.  Last night I was praying about it and really realized that there is NO WAY I can do this in my own strength.  God's strength is sufficient, though, and He will get me through it.  I'm continuing to learn to give up control to Him and to rely on His strength and grace and peace to get me through each day, and each sleepless night.  Though I must say, I hope I learn my lesson soon so I can get a good night of sleep!! :)

Second Taxol Treatment

This morning I went in for my second of 12 taxol treatments.  My blood work came back mixed.  My kidneys are improving slowly, which is very good news.  However, my hemoglobin is pretty low and has been dropping every week for the last 3 weeks.  So, Sylvia decided to order 2 units of blood for a blood transfusion.  They don't do blood at PCI, so I had chemo first and then, after a quick lunch at Subway, headed over to St. Luke's infusion center.  I am currently a little ways in to the first unit.  The whole thing will take about 5 hours, so no work for me today.  I was really glad I had planned a study hall for 6th grade and a work day for world history.  I'm fervently praying that my scripts will arrive in time for drama class at 2:45.  Darrin headed over to the school to take care of the drama kids and play games with them if the scripts don't arrive.  I'll be here until around 5 pm.  Another reason to be so very thankful for meals provided by wonderful friends and church family!

It was tough having to come back to the hospital, even knowing it's only for a few hours.  Having to get a wrist band again made me panic a little, and then when I heard an IV machine beep like mine did so many times I almost lost it.  I had to do some deep breathing to stay in control.  I find that so odd.  I talked with Sylvia about my panic and sadness a little and about the numbness in my fingers.  She thinks the transfusion will help me feel physically better and thus mentally better, and she prescribed a new med that will help with the tingling and will help me sleep better.  She also prescribed percoset to help with the joint pain. We decided to go with those options.  If things do not improve mentally, she can give me a drug that originally was used to treat seizures, but is now used as an anti-depressant for cancer patients (and others).  It's really nice to know that there are so many options.  It also amazes me how much time Sylvia spends with us and how well she listens to me and Darrin.  I really feel like I have choices and am in control of my health.  I appreciate that a lot.

Here's the best thing in the world!!  I was just visited by Sydney the therapy CAT!!  She came up with her handlers and just snuggled on my lap.  It was amazing!  The timing was perfect- God sent her at exactly the right time.  I was a little nervous about the blood transfusion, and it had just started when Sydney arrived.  It took my mind right off of it.  She sat with me for about 10 or 15 minutes, and it was awesome.  Why couldn't she have come around when I was an in patient??  We joked about trying to smuggle one of our cats onto the floor, but we didn't figure they would take it very well. ;)

According to Lynne, 30 people have signed up to join my team for the Especially for You race in Oct.  If you signed up, thanks!!  I can't wait to find out who you all are!  And thanks to all of you for your continued suppport!  GO TEAM ROBIN!

Chemo Part 2- Taxol, and going back to work!!

I started my second chemo drug last Thursday.  Dr. Buntinas and Sylvia decided I was healthy enough, which was a huge praise.  Going too much longer would have really messed things up, and the more you delay treatment the less effective it is.

So on Thursday last I went in and we started taxol.  Actually, we had to start with an hour of fluids because my kidney numbers had gone back up a little.  After a good flushing, though, they went back down and we went on to the actual chemo.

It starts with the steroid, dexamethazone, and zofran (anti-nausea).  Then I got a big dose of benedryl and zantac, I think.  The benedryl put me to sleep.  Then they started the taxol.  One of the nurses, Darcy, had to sit and literally stare at me for 15 minutes to make sure I didn't have an allergic reaction.  Everyone was SURE I would with all the problems I'd had.  Miraculously, I didn't!!  My body handled it just fine and we didn't have to do anything different. All the chemo girls and I were amazed. :)

The steroids gave me TONS of energy for Thursday and Friday.  It was great to feel so good again.  But Saturday it all ended.  I slept until 1 pm and then slept again from 1:30-5:30.  I don't know if that will happen again this week or if it was still just recovering from being sick.  I hope it was just recovering.  I also slept most of Sunday.  By Monday I was feeling better.

The side effects started kicking on Sunday, though.  The nausea hasn't been a problem, for which I am very thankful.  However, I did have really severe joint pain on Sunday night.  That has lessened, and hopefully the Dr. can give me something to take when it happens again.  I also have started getting the tingling in my fingertips and hands.  So far I can still type relatively well, but it is getting more and more pronounced each day.  I'll talk to the Dr. about that tomorrow, too.  It can take months after treatment is over for the effects to go away, and sometimes they never do.  That would really stink.

I went back to work on Tuesday.  I was really nervous about it.  The staff had planned a 'pink out' and told all the kids to wear pink to welcome me back. They had signs all over telling people to wear pink.  It was really awesome.  I felt very loved.

Both Darrin and Dawn Foote were there all day to help me out.  We got everything figured out for each class and Dawn helped me make a bunch of copies.  She did such a great job subbing with short notice and only my notes to go off of.  My notes of course make sense to me, but they don't necessarily translate well.  I'm so thankful all my classes moved forward and we're pretty much on track.

Today I was on my own.  I did talk to Jeff about not teaching Bible this semester, and he got that changed.  With Bible I would have kids 7 periods a day on M,W, and F.  This way I'll have a break every day during 3rd hour.  That will really help me not get too tired.  Julianne Wilson is taking it over.  It's great curriculum and I think she'll do a great job and the girls will enjoy her.

Going back to work was the best thing I could have done.  It has helped my fatigue lessen and given me purpose.  It's great to be around the kids again and teaching the things I love.  I have chemo again tomorrow, so prayers for that and no advancement of side effects.  Thanks!  GO TEAM ROBIN!!

Robin's Hospital Stay part 3

OK- I think I'm finally ready to write the end of the hospital adventure.  There isn't actually a lot more to tell.  Dr. Abu Alfoul couldn't figure out why I still had some fevers, so he ordered cultures off my port and from a peripheral location (my hand).  They had to draw them twice from my hand because he wanted them to be from the same time.  They first drew off my hand at 5 am, so they had to do it again around noon.  Then we just had to wait.  I kept feeling better and better, but we had to wait at least 24 hours.  Unfortunately, the culture off my port got contaminated with staph, so then we had to wait another 24 hours.  Dr. Frumpy came by and told me I should just have the port taken out if anything else came back positive.  Better that than have to wait longer to start chemo again.   I agreed- his logic seemed sound.  However, praise the Lord, the rest of the cultures came back negative.  I finally got to go home at 5:45 on Sunday evening.  12 days and 1 hour since I had gone in.  The nurses stood up and cheered as I left. :)

The whole experience was really traumatic.  I often didn't know what was going on and I was really, really sick for several of those days.  Every person I dealt with was absolutely wonderful and kind, but it was a very difficult experience.  I could shower, but we had to tape up my port so it didn't get wet, so I never really felt clean.  I was hooked up to an IV machine, so I couldn't do anything or go anywhere easily.  I was scared and lonely and confused much of the time.  I'm not sure what God's purpose was, though I know He has one.  I had a couple of good talks with one or two of the nurses, so that was positive.  I tried really hard to be a good patient and treat all my caregivers with respect and thankfulness.  Hopefully that will have an effect on them.  Susan Johnson made me wonderful signs with verses of encouragement on them, and many people commented on them.  I'm going to hope that seeds were planted and people were positively influenced.

I still have moments of freaking out about the whole thing, though they are fewer and farther between.  As I continue to feel better my fear is lessening.  The Lord has been very good to us and I am very thankful to be healthy-(ish) again.  In my next post I'll talk about the new round of chemo.  Thanks for your continued prayers!!

A short hiatus

I did get to go home on Sunday night about 5:30!  Taking an unencumbered shower and sleeping in my own bed were absolute bliss.  I'm going to take a couple days before I write the rest of the story.  I'm finding myself with just a touch of what might be called PTSD.  Every time I think about the hospital I panic a little. Last night I woke up alone on the couch and absolutely went nuts- I didn't know where I was.  I'm terrified I will have to go back to the hospital if I run a fever again.  Please pray that the panic will lessen and that I will be able to stay home.  I see my oncology team again tomorrow (I saw them yesterday, too).  If everything is good, I should be able to start my next round of chemo on Thursday- 2 weeks late.  If I can't start it, it could be bad for the rest of my treatment- I don't really understand it all.  Anyway- please keep the prayers coming, and I promise I'll finish the story!!

Robin's Hospital Story Part 2

I apologize for not writing yesterday- the computer battery was dead and the cord was at home.  But we're back up and running today!

After my pneumonia diagnosis, not much actually changed.  I was already getting huge doses of 2 broad spectrum antibiotics, so they just kept giving me those.  One of them, Vancomycin, made the IV machine alarm go off every so often, usually in the middle of the night.  The IV machine thought there were air bubbles in the lines, but there weren't really.  It was really annoying.  Also annoying was the fact that they had to draw blood every night at midnight to make sure I didn't have too much of the drug in my blood stream.  Why midnight?  No idea.  Probably just so I wouldn't get too much sleep. :)  They also have drawn blood every morning at 5 and even one day brought in an X-ray machine and did a chest X-ray at 5 am.  I'm starting to get a little grumpy about not getting much sleep.  :)

A pulmonologist, Dr. Wamba, came to see me several times.  She is an adorable, little tiny woman from Thailand.  She was incredibly sweet and just kept touching my bald head. :)   It was very cute.  I also got to see the same hospitalist for several days, Dr. Sharma.  She was also very kind and commented often about my good attitude and my great relationship with my husband.  My third consistent Dr.  is Dr. Abu Alfoul.  He is also really kind.  He's the infectious diseases doctor.  It always made me laugh when we referred to him as the infectious doctor. (NB- I just found out that Dr. Abu Alfoul is the one in charge of whether I get to leave today or not).  One other person I have to mention at this point is Andrew, the transport guy from the imaging department.  He came to get me for every test I had.  Finally, there was one where someone else had to take me back to my room.  That tech told me that Andrew always insisted on taking care of me and was upset when he was already on a call and couldn't take me back.  It was very cute.  He was a really nice guy and did a great job helping me stay comfortable amidst all the back and forth.

All this gets us to Friday, when I actually started to feel human again.  My parents were almost constant figures throughout Wednesday and Thursday.  They were so worried.  I hate causing them such stress- they should be beyond taking care of me.  (though I know we're never done caring for our children).  I'm just so blessed to have amazing parents, and amazing in-laws.  Colleen was here pretty much everyday, too.  She and I cried together a couple of times.  It's such a blessing to have family in town, and to be so close to them.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday things really kept improving.  We got to the point where they thought they would let me go on Monday or Tuesday.  Then my kidneys decided they needed some attention.  One of the CT scans required me to drink a contrast dye, which is hard on kidneys.  That, combined with all the illness, antibiotics, and ibuprofen for the fevers, pushed my creatin levels all the way to 2.49.  That's really high and meant my kidneys were functioning at about 25%.  Enter Dr. Cogdill, the nephrologist.  (Kidney doctor).

He recommended a kidney biopsy right away.  He said it could just be kidney injury due to all the stuff that had been going on, but it could be much more serious.  So- here comes the funniest story of the whole adventure.  He was explaining how the biopsy would work, and that it would be on the CT table.  He said, "You'll lay on your stomach on the table, and since you are frumpier than a skinny person. . . ."  I didn't laugh right then, but oh, I cracked up later!!!  "Frumpier than a skinny person!!"   I immediately dubbed him Dr. Frumpy. ;)   I am fully aware that I am no Twiggy, and I was not at all offended.  It still makes me laugh to think of it.  And there's more to come!!

But first- the biopsy.  I was scared to death.  I was sure it was really going to hurt.  Your kidneys move every time you breathe, so it's difficult to even do a biopsy and actually get kidney tissue.  What they didn't tell me was that they give you IV sedation, so I actually didn't feel anything other than the initial shot of lidocaine in my back.  I was awake because I had to breathe in and out and hold my breath when they told me to.  Apparently, it took 10 tries to get 3 samples, and they caused a renal hematoma (bruise on my kidney).  That wasn't actually a big deal.  It hasn't hurt too much, other than yesterday when it was hard to go for our second walk of the day.   It doesn't hurt at all when I'm sitting or laying down, but walking jostles the kidneys around more.

Here's the second Dr. Frumpy story.  He came in to talk to us about the biospy and said that the 7 misses just pulled out "some chubbiness."   I told him they were free to take as much of that as they wanted. :)  The biopsy ended up showing that I had acute tubular necrosis, which sounds way worse than it is.  Basically, it just means that my kidneys took way too much abuse, but that they would get better on their own.  I might not get back to 100%, but they should get close.  The creatin number has already started dropping, though very slowly.  We'll keep a really close eye on it.  Lord willing, the kidneys will fix themselves up and I won't have to worry about it again.  There is a possibility they won't heal as much as they should, and then I'll see Dr. Cogdill or another nephrologist and we'll figure out what to do.  So- you can pray the kidneys will improve enough on their own.

Alright, this is already a very long post, so I'll save the rest of the story for tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll know the end of it by then!!

Robin's Hospital Story part 1

I have several friends and relatives who have written wonderful, beautiful stories about the birth of their children.  They are always titled "Sally's birth story"  (obviously not always with the name Sally). :)  I won't ever get to write one of those since I got my kids premade, so I thought I'd just borrow the name for my epic journey through 11.5 days in the hospital.  At day 7, I was going to call it "My 7 day sojourn" but that got blown out of the water.  "11 day event" just doesn't have that ring. :)  Anyway- here is part one of my journey through very serious illness and back to health.

First, I realized my last post of things I am thankful for is woefully incomplete.  I wrote it while under the influence of lots of narcotics, and I got interrupted a lot.  The point, though, was that there was so much to be thankful for, even in the midst of all this.  For example, I got 2 new pair of wonderful pajamas out of the deal! :)  OK- story time.

On Tuesday, August 12th, I went to work.  We had our meetings in the morning and I spent the afternoon making copies for world history and doing basic prep work.  Darrin picked me up around 3.  The boys were out with my dad all day, golfing and bowling and eating pizza.  Around 4:15 I was at the computer and I started shivering.  Before chemo, I was cold often.  Then I realized that now I'm usually warm, and it was 85 degrees outside.  I went upstairs to take my temperature- it was 100.1.  I'm supposed to call if it hits 100.5, but I usually run a low temp, so I knew I needed to call then, before the clinic closed.   The boys got home just as I was calling.  Dr. Buntinas told me to go to the ER.  I got to see the boys for less than 10 minutes before we left.  I wouldn't see them again for over a week.  That has been the absolute worst of all this.

We headed to St. Luke's, where they got me in within about 5 minutes.  Everyone had to wear a mask since I'm a chemo patient.  The time in the ER is hard to describe.  They had to bring a nurse down from 5C (oncology) to access my port, because they thought maybe that's where the infection was coming from.  They also wanted to put in a peripheral IV because they really aren't supposed to use the port- there is a risk of infection, and the PCI people recommend against anyone but them accessing it.  Anyway- there was a nurse who insisted on trying to find a vein, rather than letting the lab guy (who was in the room the whole time).  She couldn't get the vein and dug and dug and dug for it.  I was sobbing by the time she was done and I have a HUGE bruise to show for it.  They never did get anything placed in the ER- they had to send the flight nurses to my room at 11:30, and they even had a hard time.  Interestingly, every time I've been poked since (somewhere around 15 times), the lab techs have never missed.  Even when I was still really sick, they always hit their mark the first time.

The Resident on duty was really flummoxed as to what was going on with me, and said that people like me can go down hill really fast, which was not at all comforting.  My parents came down around 7 or 7:30 and let Darrin go get some dinner.  Around 10 or 11 they finally sent me up to a room on 5C- oncology and neurology.  That's where I was several weeks ago when we couldn't get the vomiting under control.  I was starving, since I hadn't eaten since lunch, so Darrin went out and got me a Frosty and fries.  (potatoes and ice cream!)  I've always liked this combination, though he thinks it's weird.  He sat right at the edge of my bed and held my frosty while I lay curled up slowly dipping my fries and eating them.  I will never forget the look in his eyes as we shared that moment.  I tear up just thinking about it.  That is why a frosty and fries has come to epitomize love to me.  :)

Sometime late that night or early that morning I went into septic shock, so I was moved to the cardiac ICU.  Septic shock is when your blood pressure goes really low, your temp and pulse really high, and one other thing I can't remember.  I had all 4.  I remember asking what it meant and a nurse replied that if it wasn't controlled, people die from it.  That was scary.  They took my vitals every 15 minutes for several hours, and I know there were lots of drugs involved.   Tuesday night was the absolute worst night of my life.  I was in so much pain and I couldn't find the nurse call button.  I felt like all my joints were on fire.  It was truly excruciating.  I just cried and cried as loud as I could until someone finally heard me.  They brought me lots of painkillers.  It must have been mostly better by around 8 am, though, because I remember eating breakfast and then lunch.  That was the last meal I had until Saturday.

Sometime Wednesday they brought me back to 5C.  I slept through most of Wednesday, Thursday and part of Friday, all the while battling horrible headaches, nausea, vomiting and high fevers.  I think the highest it got was 104.2.  No one could figure out what was wrong, so I had a chest x-ray, a head CT, an abdominal CT, a whole lot of blood work, other tests I don't remember, and a nuclear medicine test on my lungs.  For that one, I had to breathe in radioactive gas for 3 minutes, and then they took pictures of my lungs.  Then they injected something radioactive (another praise- she hit the vein and didn't have to put in an IV), and took more pictures.  That is what finally clued them in to pneumonia.  They said it looked like I had ground glass in my lungs.  There were lots of little crystals throughout them.  So- there was answer #1.  With that, I will quit for tonight and give you part two of the story tomorrow. :)

Thankful

I am thankful:

I am alive
For my incredible husband
That we live in Cedar Rapids with excellent medical care
That we bought all our school supplies and got the boys' bags packed 2 weeks ago
That I gave Sarah all the Girls' Night Out supplies over a week ago so she didn't have to try to get them or buy new stuff
For Frosties and french fries which will forever more epitomize the essence of love to me (I'll explain in a later post)
For friends and family who have taken care of the boys and kept them busy and fed
That my lesson plans are super organized and should be really easy to follow
For Dawn Foote, who will be following them!  (Pray for her!)
For my parents who have spent so many hours up here
That I am still in the hospital
for an incredible medical team of hospitalists and nurses who have taken excellent care of me and been so very kind
for a sense of humor to endure many medical humiliations
for nurses who listen to me and try my suggestions
for Katelyn, Amanda, Tyler and BJ who cleaned up the drama room
that the internet connection in my room worked so I could LiveStream church and watch Andy share about his trip
for a great boss who is so supportive.
for friends who are praying
for a loving God who knows exactly what He is doing
for peace that passed understanding during some of the worst testing
for a myriad of little things that have worked out just as they needed to over the last 8 days.

A day at the clinic

I survived our first day back at work!  6 hours of Smart Board training.  I don't know how much I'll actually retain, but it was interesting.  I'm going to give myself grace and not worry about using too much new technology.  There will be plenty of time for that as I feel better.

I realized today that lots of people are curious about how my chemo treatments actually work, so I thought I'd give a little detail.  It really is quite a process.  We go in to the Hemotology and Oncology Clinic at PCI.  The visit starts with one of the nurses accessing my port and drawing blood for labs.  Then I go back to the waiting room while the labs are run.  Then they call me back again, get my weight, and then we go to a room to meet with my Nurse Practitioner, Sylvia.  Actually, we usually see Marcia, my scheduler, first.  She takes my blood pressure and temperature and pulse.  Then, often my nurse Candace will come in and ask a million questions about how I'm feeling.  Then Sylvia will come in once my lab results are in.   We'll discuss the labs and see what we need to do.  Then we'll go back to the chemo area.  By this time we've usually been there almost an hour.  I'll go pick out a comfy purple chair and settle in.  There are 4 chemo nurses, and one of them will come over and get a small bag of saline going while all my drugs are being mixed.  Then we'll start with anti-nausea drugs, steroids, and now also benedryl and other antihistimines.  Each drug has its own infusion time.  Some only take 15 minutes, others take an hour or more.  If my potassium is low, it takes 2 hours to infuse it.  The actual chemo drug comes last.  Once it's done, they make sure I'm feeling ok and don't need any extra anti-nausea drugs or lorazipam.  Then I'm free to go.  It usually takes around 3 hours for all the infusions.  They have snacks and drinks, so Darrin always has some pistachios, and I often have pretzels.  There are also some really good granola bars.  There is grape juice and cranberry juice, too.

If I'm there in the morning, I get a visit from Sue, who does wonderful foot massages.  The chemo area is kept pretty cool, so I always wrap up in my wonderful purple prayer shawl and my pink blanket.  Darrin and I have spent the weeks writing the melodrama for the 8th graders.  Actually- Darrin has written the melodrama and I have slept most of the time. Sometimes the chemo area is really quiet, and other times it's like party central.  There are 20+ chairs in the infusion area, so it can get pretty busy, and some of the patients and their families are kind of loud.  Some people talk on the phone or work, others sleep or read.  Most people have someone with them.   We counted up the days recently-  I was supposed to have 12 so far- 4 treatments, 4 shots, and 4 lab days. However, I've spent over 40 days this summer in a chemo chair. I had so much trouble with the first round of drugs that I ended up going in everyday for a week after each treatment to get shots and anti-nausea meds.  It's been a lot, but it ended up working- this last round of the Red Devil has been ok.  I haven't had any nausea to speak of- just lots of anxiety. Not quite what any one expected, but my team has been so wonderful and so encouraging. We're all really hoping that starting this Thursday things will go much more smoothly.  So- that's basically how my summer has been since I started chemo on June 19th.  It has been a fascinating learning experience about a whole new world.

Date night, sweet corn, potatoes, and ice cream

We actually got to go on a date last night!!  We got all dressed up and went to the Starlight and split a tenderloin and fries, and then we went over to Granger House in Marion and saw a Mark Twain performance.  I only fell asleep for a few minutes. :)  I think this was the first date we've had since my diagnosis.  It was very low key, and very fun.  It was nice to put on a pretty dress and some makeup and feel pretty and put together.

It's been neat to see how God has brought visitors on exactly the right days. I really enjoy seeing people, but there haven't been many days when I've been up to very much conversation.  This weekend was a good one for visits.  I got to chat with lots of people at church this morning, too, which was nice.  Though I am pretty tuckered out this afternoon.

The boys all went out to Chadima's and picked mountains of sweet corn this afternoon while I rested.  I'm so excited to freeze and can it and have sweet corn all winter.  We did up 4 quarts in just a little time this afternoon. It will be a several day project, but oh, so worth it!

So here's something weird on the food front- I have been craving potatoes like nothing else.  I just want to eat potatoes all day.  In any form.  We fried up a bunch for breakfast and I couldn't stop eating them.  They are full of potassium, so I'm wondering if my potassium levels are low again.  The other thing I've started really enjoying is ice cream.  I've never been a huge ice cream fan- I like it, but I never bought it for myself or thought of eating it as a treat.  Now I want ice cream every night.  This makes Darrin happy, as he is a HUGE ice cream fan. :)  I'm really enjoying the kinds that have lots of chunks of chocolate and caramel and all that good stuff.  I'm pretty sure there is no real nutritional value in my ice cream cravings, though. ;)  My nutritionist tells me to eat things that taste good, so I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Pretty much everything else tastes like nothing, so I'm going to enjoy what I can!

Our inservice days start tomorrow at 9.   We're doing SmartBoard training.  I'll be interested to see if I am currently smart enough to grasp it. :)

Sorry for the absence

I didn't realize that I haven't blogged since Tuesday!  It's been a long week, spending every morning at the clinic.  It was good, though- I've felt physically better this week than any of the previous weeks.  It has been a really hard week emotionally, though.

The last couple of days have been really encouraging, though.  Tristan and Robin Guthrie are here from Texas, and Amy and Dennis Fulkerson are here from Turkey.  It was wonderful to get most of our old Monday night football group back together for dinner out last night.  We just needed the VanDuzers.  :(

I start back to work on Monday.  My classroom is all ready to go, which is a huge relief.  I've been doing some prep work with my new Bible and Social Studies curriculum, so I think I'll be ok there.  I'm looking forward to seeing my kids again, too.  So there are lots of positives amidst all the nervousness.

Chemo brain is definitely settling in.  I've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to remember what I want to blog about today, and I have absolutely no idea.  :)

I am almost finished reading Bonhoeffer.  The plot against Hitler has failed and Dietrich has been moved to the Gestapo prison.  In one of his letters to his fiance, he wrote the following:

      "Stifter once said, "Pain is a holy angel, who shows treasures to men which otherwise remain forever hidden; through him(pain) men have become greater than through all joys of the world."

I find that to be very profound, and very true.  That is why, even though I hate this whole thing, I wouldn't trade it.  Not that I want to be great or anything- but I do want to continue drawing closer to the Lord and become more like Him.  I highly recommend the Bonhoeffer book.  It is fascinating history and full of great theology.  Metaxas is a great writer and infuses some wonderful bits of humor throughout his very readable narrative.

Poor Darrin had to deal with more toilet issues today- this time a broken wax ring.  Fortunately, it wasn't a hard fix and we didn't have to call in the cavalry. :)  He's such a trooper.  Hopefully the rest of the day will be quiet and relaxing!

Lots of tears

The past two days have been so hard.  I've cried my way through them.  I think I'm starting to worry about the school year and if I'll be able to handle it.  I'm just so tired.  And there is no joy in anything right now.  I'm clinging to the hope that it WILL get better- the Lord is already there.  He is sustaining me, but, boy, is it hard right now.

We've tried walking, which helps a little, but I'm not supposed to do too much of that while taking this antibiotic that can react with the steroids I'm taking.   It's kind of a catch 22.  The last thing I need is to rupture my Achilles. My team increased my anxiety med, but of course that just makes me more tired.

It's just so hard to look ahead and not see an end.   I'll be in treatment until the new year.  And then dealing with after effects for who knows how many months. And taking hormone pills for 10 years.  I miss myself, if that makes any sense at all.  This is such a hard fight and I am weary.

I have to go in the next few days and get fitted for a sleeve and glove to treat lymphedema.  Whenever lymph nodes are removed, you run the risk of swelling due to a broken lymphatic system. This swelling can be very hard on skin and can cause cellulitis.  I experienced swelling in my hand when we went camping, so now I need to have some compression to keep it from happening again.  At this point I'll only have to wear the sleeve if I fly, but I'm supposed to wear the glove when doing any strenuous activity, or even just walking.  This is a forever thing- lymphedema doesn't just stop happening.  Hopefully we've caught it early enough that it won't be much of a problem.  But it's just one more thing.  One more thing that I have to deal with forever on this side of Heaven.

I know the Lord is working through this and making me more of who He wants me to be, and I'm honored that He thinks me capable of dealing with all this.  I guess I really wouldn't trade it- there is nothing better than to be in the center of His will.  He never, ever promised that life would be easy- just that He would help bear the burden.  I know He is walking every step of this with me, and that is what gets me out of bed in the morning.  But I won't deny that this is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I've had plenty of tough stuff to deal with over the years- everyone has.  But this is taking every ounce of courage I've got, and sometimes I think it isn't quite enough.  But I have to believe that He is giving me exactly what I need when I need it.  I'm clinging to that hope that better things are coming, because I know He is already there.

A day of rest

Today I took a 2 + hour nap after lunch.  Then Darrin and I went over to say hi to his parents, and have Carl check out a vehicle we're thinking about getting.  It all looked pretty good to him, so we might be a two car family again soon!!  That will be nice once school starts.

I've been meaning to thank every one for their prayers and update that Shiloh DID get approved for the intellectual disabilities waiver!  There are still many steps to go through, but we're on the way to more services and help for him.  This is a huge relief to us.

This afternoon/evening Darrin and Andy have been experimenting with pizza on the grill and Chicago style in the oven.  I can't wait to try it when it's done.   The only drawback- our thin crust pizzas cook in 7 minutes- the Chicago style takes 30 minutes. We're all impatient to eat!  It smells so good.  I hope I'll be able to taste it!

Please keep praying.  If the other three cycles are an indication, the next several days are going to be pretty rough.  But better things are coming!!!  Also- you could pray that we'll be able to get a good schedule in place to work around in service days and the school year.  Thanks!!

A tired day

This morning we got up and Andy came with us to the Farmer's Market.  It's been so fun to actually be able to go to all of them this summer.  I had a shot at 10, so we hit the Market about 8:30.  We got home about 10:30, and I was just done.  I went up and took a several hour nap while Darrin and Andy and Luke finished the grocery shopping and Andy made some super decadent cheesecake bars we're going to have in a little while.

I did get up and help make our Italian country meal for tonight.  We made Devil's chicken (seemed appropriate with the end of the Red Devil)  and vegetable risotto.  They are recipes from the Calabria region of Italy.  We wanted to avoid the normal pasta/ pizza stuff.  It all turned out great.

Then we went and got the few things we needed to round out school supplies.  At the end of every school year, I tell kids if they are not going to keep perfectly good supplies, to pile them in my room.  I was able to outfit my boys with everything they needed except for 1 protractor/compass set and 7 folders.  Our school supplies cost us less than $10.  My boys are gracious to not mind having slightly used binders and notebooks that maybe are missing a page or two.  I just can't believe what kids get rid of.  It's appalling, actually.  I still have tons of notebooks, several binders and lots of tab dividers.  I keep it all in my room for kids who need stuff through out the year.

Anyway, I'm glad we have all that sorted before I start feeling yuckier.  I just need to get Luke a pair of shoes and everyone should be set for the start of the year.  They've even all ready had their hair cut!

I am just so tired.  I know it's because I'm back on full doses of the anti-nausea stuff, which wipes me out, and because the effects of the chemo are cumulative.  I'm hoping I'll be awake enough for church in the morning- I really want to be.  I have to get another shot at 11, so we'll have to leave right away again.  But this is the last weekend for shots.  The Taxol doesn't require one. I'm glad about that!  As the writer of Hebrews says:  "Better things are coming!"

The Last of the Red Devil

Sorry I didn't write yesterday- Chemo wiped me out.  I didn't feel very good when they were done, so I got an extra dose of lorazipam, which put me to sleep for an extra 2 hours.  I was the last one to leave at 4:30. :) It was a 6 hour treatment day.

It actually almost didn't happen.  I started running a fever on Wednesday night.  We're not sure where the infection is coming from, but the team put me on a broad spectrum antibiotic.  All my blood counts came back really good, so we decided to go ahead with treatment.  The one kicker is that the antibiotic they put me on doesn't mix well with the steriod I have to take.  It can cause the Achilles tendon to burst.  Talk about a weird side effect.  It is pretty rare and usually happens in old people, but I seem to get a lot of the rarer side effects.  I would appreciate lots of prayer for this one.  I'm supposed to avoid exercise while I'm taking it, which stinks, because our daily walks are really helpful and enjoyable.  I'm on the med for 5 more days.  The effects can happen up to a couple months later, so I'll really need to watch for it.  GRRR.  One more thing. :)


Getting out of bed yesterday was one of the hardest things I have done.  I didn't feel good as it was, and knowing that I was willingly going to put more poison in my body that will make me feel awful for the next two weeks took all my courage.  Then I have to remember that this poison is potentially saving my life.

Everyone reiterated again that the Taxol will be much better.  I'm clinging to that!!  We're due back in the clinic soon for a neupogen shot and an hour of fluids to help flush the AC out quicker.  Hopefully we'll be home by lunch, not supper!

Chemo Brain

Yesterday was another great day.  We actually accomplished stuff and really enjoyed our day.  Of course, I'm sitting here trying to remember what we did, and I have absolutely no idea.  But I know it was a good day. :)

Today I woke up with a massive headache I haven't really been able to shake.  I might have done too much on Monday and Tuesday.  And maybe my body just knows chemo is coming tomorrow and is already rebelling.

I went to school for a little bit today, met with Jeff, and looked at some calendar stuff to try to get my head around the fall.  I really think one of the Lord's main purposes is to get me to quit being a control freak.  It frustrates me to no end that I cannot make any solid plans about anything. Usually by this point I've already started making copies and writing out lesson plans.  I have to remember that school will still happen and my students will still get educated.  My co-workers are absolutely the best people in the world, and my students bring me no end of joy.  I couldn't ask for a better situation.

Did I mention that the other day one of the senior boys dropped by with flowers?  It was the sweetest thing ever, and they are really beautiful.  I definitely have the best job ever. :)

I'm starting to find it hard to track long conversations.  I think my writing is probably taking a hit, too.  It's getting harder and harder to be coherent and remember what I want to say.  Yesterday I was on the phone and couldn't come up with Darrin's name.  :)  So- if you talk to me and I seem really random or disengaged, I apologize.  It is quite an effort, and it leaves me exhausted.  And the fatigue is supposed to get worse as treatment goes on, especially with radiation.

I am still managing to enjoy a really great book.  I'm reading Bonhoeffer, by Eric Metaxas.  It is a biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  He was a German pastor who was involved in the big plot to assassinate Hitler.  The book focuses on the fact that Christians have to critically evaluate what we believe and why we believe it, and make sure that what we conclude matches with scripture.  It is as timely now as it was 70 years ago. We have a new curriculum for Bible class this year from Summit Ministries.  It argues pretty much the same thing.  We have to know what we believe and why.  I love it when separate things come together to make one unifying point. Of course, it's funny that I am reading and thinking so much about intellectual stuff when my intellect is stuck in jello. :)

Tomorrow is the last of the bad chemo.  Prayers are appreciated!  I don't have to be there until 10:30, so it will be a long day.  Go, Team!